dominic: the war journal

2010-06-19T03:57:00.000-04:00

Didn't go! Just wound up at g lounge. Which is pretty much all she wrote. You know how they tell kids that if they get lost or are separated from their parents to stay in one place? That's EXACTLY the philosophy I adopted. Nursed my drink and regardless to whatever I felt like I was at least in a safe space, know both the security team and Brandon. I didn't feel obligated to get wasted. And I just chilled, allowing people and situations to drift in and on and past. This lil guy who introduced himself as Frank was interested. I couldn't tell you if I was or I wasn't. I mean I was attracted enough but since I am not exactly of a mindset to hook up on the fly versus getting to know people I felt obligated to be polite, but had no desire to Mack on him like that.Brandon set it off with some vodka and seltzer. I was trying to at least not go overboard with fucking my voice up, and I think I did okay.Peter Afriye showed up with his on-the-way-out boyfriend "Corey" and we talked for a little while. Played catch up. I was ballsy enough to come out my face about something that I'd been curious about. I always want to know the dynamics of other people's relationships. The names were never important because I just wanted to know where I go wrong in MY relationships. I wanted insight on how I can be a better person in a relationship as well as if and when it ends. How does one comport oneself in the fallout?In the middle of our conversation I was feeling a lil sweaty under my cap and calculatedly, artfully, swept it off my head, not unlike how a woman blessed with long flowing hair unleashes it upon the world around her by releasing it from a ponytail. Minus the slow motion. Okay maybe a little slow motion, but like, you know, a DUDE, would do it, you know?Coyly I looked up and happened to make eye contact with some guy across the bar who bore the full brunt of my siren song. I grinned, a mélange of innocence and insolence, aware but like a child still delighted at its effect. Dumbstruck he grinned back. The next move should have been an introduction but I punked out. It was a white boy after all! What would I do with that???8:41amSo I'm in a Malibu driving into Long Island for the beach. With Manny Lopez, of all people! How random is that?Right now we're by the shore laid out listening to some of my Jazz playlist... Perfect for what I needed. Last night I rewarded myself with a little outing to g and had a coupla drinks but I really shouldn't have. I REALLY need to do laundry when I get back. This feels amazing though. The breeze and the sun are doing a number on my ego... I thought I wouldn't last so long with the heat being oppressive but it's a great combo. The sound of the waves crashing. Sigh.

2010-06-17T12:38:00.000-04:00

So it's official. I didn't get the position. I'm okay with it and I'm not. The trap is in letting your ego convince you that you deserve the position more than anybody else. Certainly not some punk kid. Gotta quiet those thoughts down though. Focus on the good. Yesterday Christian bailed on our breakfast date. The checkout lady at Whole Foods and Robert at the Chemist Shop must have caught the memo and felt sorry for me because they didn't charge me for the sprouted wheat hot dog buns and Gold Bond medicated powder, respectively. I still continue to do well at work, promotion notwithstanding. Great interactions with customers, consistent attachment rates. I like what I do. I need to stop letting these motherfuckers lull me into comparing myself to other people. Hell yeah, I'm better, but fuck it. At the end of the day I ain't got it and the bottom line is I gotta GET it, not complain about someone getting something over me.Gotta shave my head. Jovanni came by last night to trade in his case and invited me to come through the following morning and work out with him. The interaction satisfied my need for company and conversation. I even got a free protein shake out of it. Was supposed to meet with Jeff for the beach but it was his turn to be manic, I guess. I have my first rehearsal tonight which I'm unprepared for so I gotta print out the lyrics and download the songs.Then sleep.Maybe Jeff will agree to meet then. I dunno. Jovanni invited me to go to chill with him while he bartends at P3LIGRO at Element. Maybe I'll take Troy and Jason with me. Yeah that's the plan.6:20pmEn route to Fort Green, listening to the disco playlist i was supposed to have been listening to and memorizing "my" songs.I woke up feeling drained. Barely two hours of rest and I am freaking out about the rash spreading. My dumb ass don't know how to stop scratching, much less jerk off. What I really want to do is rest/sleep some more, do my laundry, and administer my past due shots. I don't know how much the changes in my body's chemistry is fucking shit up.Instead I downed an energy shot and threw on some shorts and a t-shirt. Hopefully they'll look at me and agree that I look like shit and I'll get a free pass to not have my shit together. Maybe I can pull a few strings so that I'm off Sunday, but realistically that won't happen. Especially now that I have officially made friends with Jovanni and agreed to keep him company while he works Saturday night. Like THAT's such a strain, but in light of my current health issues, yeah, it really is.I ran out of underwear coz i'm way past due on laundry. It was either the gauze hospital underwear I kept for sentimental value from that one time I got a biopsy done in 2008 just before I started working at Apple, or my Calvin Klein jock strap. Or commando (Aww, hell to the naw!).Either way i'm still feeling kinda exposed. I just need to suck it up and get some muthafuckin underwear. CHEAP ones, ya vain bastard! No one need see them coz you've effectively been slapped with a chastity belt by God.I tried sleeping sans pharmaceuticals and slept restlessly, having crazy kinky dreams incorporating random people. Like Tim Wright from the Genius Bar, of all people!!!Anyway finally around 5am I gave in and got up doing nothing in particular, downing my Xanax and ambien by 9:30. Dumbass George couldn't figure the gate out so he didn't come in, supposedly. Blah. Whatever. I am so hatin' on people flaking out on me. Aargh.Woke up around 8pm. Too late for much of anything, and I was committed to showin love to Ariel's send off. I just found it incredibly tacky for Tarynn to turn it into a big fucking apple event like it was really that serious. I want to slap her sometimes. The word obnoxious comes to mind. But I guess she's trying to be inclusive as befits the Apple way.So I am on the F train on my way to Le Lupanar, camera in tow. Party should be in full swing by now so I'll have some propranolol to control the shakes and "perform" on a whole different level altogether. Stay for a half hour and snap up as much footage as possible. Then bounce out to wherever Erskine is. I seriously need to wash my clothes though. Down to a jock strap for cryin out loud!!!! Must it always take THAT for me to come to my senses? Getting sleepy. I pulled together some jeans, Richie's Marc Jacobs tee, and my cap. Simple works but I was just grateful to have THAT. Over the JOCK STRAP. Sheesh.The F Word moved to Splash. That means my card will get me entry.

2010-06-13T06:40:00.000-04:00

Complete 180 degree shift. Once we were settled in I just let it go. We had dinner Friday night. Drinks, then some weed. Totally unnecessary. Troy is such a cutie. He needs to lose that damn weight though. But I appreciate spending the weekend with him.Woke up around 5:30am Saturday morning and walked around. Chilled in the hot tub. Walked along the shore oceanside. Saw the sun come up. Soaked in the solitude.Came back and had breakfast with Jay and Troy. Tea, oatmeal, toast. Then we got some groceries for lunch. Amazing hot dogs! Damn. And chips and stuff.I am not helping my voice being here. I really need to take a real break and not do anything. No parties no talking no drinking. Just rest and the gym and maybe hopefully some face time with Christian.Then me and Troy walked around some more on the beach. Chilled in the hot tub. Snapped CRAZY photos and video, then chilled some more before going to the various "Tea" parties that I gather Fire Island is known for.There was some dork that played himself in the middle of my convo with Troy and I kinda just dissed him. But he really pissed me off when he tried "fixing" my cap for me so that the bill would be straight forward. I put it back to the side and told him rather snarkily that he needn't worry himself over it because my appearance wasn't designed to target his particular demographic.He then did the whole "what do you do and how do you know Jay" line of conversation that I hate.The guy goes "So we know he's a banker, and I'm a lawyer, and you are..?"So I respond: "I... am someone that finds it tacky to ask what people do when they first meet them."The guy dismissed himself, finally.That was just the first party. When we moved on to the other parties I gradually started to relax more and settle into my buzz. So by the time we got to the venue where DJ Lina was spinning I was ready to do some hardcore dancing and wildin' out. And pretty much act stoopid. Troy pretty much finishes our battle with the booty shake since I am totally incapable, but we put on a good show. I think we may very well get another invite LOL.Which begs the question: what are my priorities, here? Why HAVEN'T I paid better care for my vocal chords?And work. Can they please just tell me that they'll pass me up already so I can get it out of my system???Last night I got to release a lot of that tension into the atmosphere. I got to act up because I didn't care who was watching. I was happy to entertain my hosts and just feel good.The other house guests were Will and Stuart, another older couple that have been together for 10 years.I don't know what they do but apparently they got clout in the (white) gay community. I'd really rather be schmoozing through Troy, I think, and just be his wingman. I need to otherwise just take this trip for what it is. This morning I woke up at 5:30 AGAIN and am nursing some seltzer water in the hopes of offsetting the damage I've wrought upon my poor throat. What do I do? I'm barely making money at work. I feel so lame compared to all these other people. I need to step my game up, seriously.Finally home! Hungry and need to take my ass to bed.8:55PMDownshift. Feeling kinda sad. Back to this graveyard shift, I don't know what to do...I need to distract myself from thinking about Christian.

2010-06-11T04:42:00.000-04:00

How many bullets can I dodge, I wonder, before one finds it's mark. A shot to the ego, a shot to the heart.Jeff got me another free pass tonight to be late. I just gotta stay till about 10AM, which is fine, if Christian is amenable to a quick lunch. I want to see him, kind of like I did with Tarek. I'm feeling kind of sad. Melancholy. How many crushes can a heart hold in a year?Troy invited me to go to Fire Island for the weekend. I wonder how many guys are goin' with. It is as good an excuse as any to go somewhere and not have free time on my hands that I would otherwise waste wondering when I can see Christian again.Hence the quickie date. 2 hours max and I'm out the door to head home and pack. As much as I'd love to show off my culinary skills I'd like to focus on talking and getting to know him better. Stop trying to sell yourself on him, focus on learning his story. His likes and dislikes.I called after I got off work to follow up. Unfortunately, he was going to be busy taking his little brother shopping. It will be a full weekend for him. I need to not think about it anymore or my insecurities will kick in and fall prey to doubt. He owes you nothing, Dominic.So shorts, flip flops, I dunno. My meds. I hope they don't mind if I mostly sleep and tan. I don't want to meet anybody new. Maybe I can watch the game and drink my tea...5:41PMOkay, SERIOUSLY?? I am on the LIRR right now. Met with Troy and I had a feeling I was Plan B because you don't text somebody out of nowhere that STOPPED speaking to you coz of your flaky ways and ask them to go with you to the middle of nowhere at the last minute.Delicious irony? His Plan A that he decided to dead was JULIO! We only found out just now and it's not something that I care to rehash. Woooosaaah.But I am angry at myself that I walked into that particular bit of awkwardness. There is bad blood between us. And I want it out of my system. If I knew this going in I would have stayed my ass home.Why am I here? I didn't want to be here but I hate coming off flaky. I always stick to the plan. I also needed a distraction from Christian. Trying not to fixate.And you know what? I foolishly trusted that everything would transpire smoothly. Instead he wanted to act like he knew what the fuck he was doing and where he was going and he clearly didn't. I hate calling attention to myself and looking like two lost colored people on this island of white people. I resent being at the mercy of another. I need to feel my independence. I'll take the next boat out, or at least document the actual directions. So far to my knowledge we are on "Sky Walk" door #318 and for the life of me can't remember my hosts name(It's Jay & Mark) Complete 180 degree shift. Once we were settled in I just let it go. We had dinner Friday night. Drinks, then some weed. Totally unnecessary. Troy is such a cutie. He needs to lose that damn weight though. But I appreciate spending the weekend with him.Woke up around 5:30am Saturday morning and walked around. Chilled in the hot tub. Walked along the shore oceanside. Saw the sun come up. Soaked in the solitude.Came back and had breakfast with Jay and Troy. Tea, oatmeal, toast. Then we got some groceries for lunch. Amazing hot dogs! Damn. And chips and stuff.I am not helping my voice being here. I really need to take a real break and not do anything. No parties no talking no drinking. Just rest and the gym and maybe hopefully some face time with Christian.Then me and Troy walked around some more on the beach. Chilled in the hot tub. Snapped CRAZY photos and video, then chilled some more before going to the various "Tea" parties that I gather Fire Island is known for.There was some dork that played himself in the middle of my convo with Troy and I kinda just dissed him. But he really pissed me off when he tried "fixing" my cap for me so that the bill would be straight forward. I put it back to the side and told him rather snarkily that he needn't worry himself over it because my appearance wasn't designed to target his particular demographic.He then did the whole "what do you do and how do you know Jay" line of conversation that I hate.The guy goes "So we know he's a banker, and I'm a lawyer, and you are..?"So I respond: "I... am someone that finds it tacky to ask what people do when they first meet them."The guy dismissed himself, finally.That was just the first party. When we moved on to the other parties I gradually started to relax more and settle into my buzz. So by the time we got to the venue where DJ Lina was spinning I was ready to do some hardcore dancing and wildin' out. And pretty much act stoopid. Troy pretty much finishes our battle with the booty shake since I am totally incapable, but we put on a good show. I think we may very well get another invite LOL.Which begs the question: what are my priorities, here? Why HAVEN'T I paid better care for my vocal chords?And work. Can they please just tell me that they'll pass me up already so I can get it out of my system???Last night I got to release a lot of that tension into the atmosphere. I got to act up because I didn't care who was watching. I was happy to entertain my hosts and just feel good.The other house guests were Will and Stuart, another older couple that have been together for 10 years.I don't know what they do but apparently they got clout in the (white) gay community. I'd really rather be schmoozing through Troy, I think, and just be his wingman. I need to otherwise just take this trip for what it is. This morning I woke up at 5:30 AGAIN and am nursing some seltzer water in the hopes of offsetting the damage I've wrought upon my poor throat. What do I do? I'm barely making money at work. I feel so lame compared to all these other people. I need to step my game up, seriously.Finally home! Hungry and need to take my ass to bed.8:55PMDownshift. Feeling kinda sad. Back to this graveyard shift, I don't know what to do...I need to distract myself from thinking about Christian.

2010-06-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

So It's not like some big epiphany or anything, but I suppose these really are coversations with myself. Why would you lie to yourself? Well, for any number of reasons, yes, we lie to ourselves all the time. But I have questions and I want to look at these questions from as honest a perspective as possible.I am not on a philosophical journey of self-discovery. That's what your entire life is. I just am about staying vigilant about that honesty. I don't want to be a hypocrite about it. If I'm going to be human then I need to be disgustingly so.I am very late for work. Again. No Jeff to back me up tonight. I have been feeling anxious lately. Suddenly I want to stab Sheba in the face. Fuckin' stupid cunt. I don't know who she thinks in her team would be more qualified than me but if she thinks she can cockblock she's got another thing coming.Okay I kinda take it back. She gave me food earlier and now I feel stupid. What can I say, I'm easy.I have to print out this song list for rehearsal. Thankfully I got a free pass for Saturday and have more time to learn the repertoire.-print song list-print lyrics-download songs if I don't have them-why disco? Next thing I know i'ma get suckered into listening to house music.Today's short term goal is to get at least 5 business intros. Focus on selling AppleCare and MobileMe. Keep the yelling overprojecting to a minimum, and smile like it can cure cancer.Today I thought of various French terms of endearment that I might be able to incorporate into my daily correspondences with Christian, but damn they mostly suck. Stupid animal references. Why would I call someone that?"Baby" sounds so ugly in any other language. I gotta delve more into the slang. Take notes from actual French speakers.I want to see him again. I'd like to know more about him. What non-generic conversations, text or verbal, could I ask to get him to talk? Unfortunately I am more the type to gather information about people based on their behaviorisms, their way of speaking, their fashion aesthetic, and body language towards me. Brainstorm time!Let's start, since it's a brainstorm, with the things I know, and the questions I can ask based on that knowledge. And yes, we shall inquire after the more generic topics as well:What is your type? Has there been a particular informal list of features that you are attracted to?So your birthday is December 21st,1981. Had your family celebrated Christmas and your birthday together or separated? Parents' names? One younger brother, right? How, if at all, do they respond to your sexuality?

2010-06-07T20:35:00.000-04:00

On my way to work. Not sure how I'm feeling. I think I'm rested enough. Just not in the right space. Yesterday was fun, but I think I damaged my voice some more. Saturday night all I did was spend the night with Julian and talk in his apartment. Getting to know each other. It was nice, but he is the kind of person I'd have to get to know better as a person before I decide that the physical shit isn't that important. I ordered pizza, we talked some more. Slept. Woke up around 6:30 or so and headed home. On impulse got off at the stop where my gym in Sunnyside was to get a quick workout in.Then spent most of the morning at home coordinating and seeing who I was going to the festival with. It worked out well. Wound up going with Justin and Gail. Anthony tagged along at some point, and to my surprise Giles showed up. Interesting mix. While it was just us three though we walked through the festival all of us rockin shades. Me originally coz I was rockin a mutilated apple t-shirt from work.For good measure I had on my plaid fedora which "happened" to match my shorts.I was generally playin cool. But I suppose that's coz the alcohol didn't come into play yet. Then I started gettin a Lil bolder. At some point in the night Phillip texted me with "DAMN BOI HOW MANY NUMBERS YOU GETTIN?!". I dunno. Initially it was nice to flirt, but at one point I realized that Julio was standing right in front of me with some people, and I felt torn. I wanted to say hi, but what if he shut me down in front of everybody like last time?So I played it cool and resumed my conversation with my friends. It also gave me this sudden impetus to start turnin on the charm and sayin hi to anyone I thought was cute. Like, the uber aggressive way that I always want to be like, coz lawd knows nobody ever approaches me. Catcalls from a distance are flies buzzing around my ear. At that point it was almost spite that drove me to kick it to however many dudes caught my eye.I don't remember half their faces/names. Took a couple. Then went back to my place to brew up some more drinks and head out one last time to Atlantis, kinda making Giles spot me for admission fee. I really just wanted to see Isaac, but he was having a good time. I let him be and dragged Giles around the venue. Strangely enough, Isaac followed, and I was confused. I just wanted to be layin in bed with him, talking...

2010-06-05T07:41:00.000-04:00

Last night was a bit of a hiccup. I wanted to say "disaster" because things didn't go as planned, and I allowed myself into feeling obligated to take my friend Justin out. It was stupid because going out is the furthest thing from my mind. Sure, I get lonely, and sure I want the company of other human beings, but in a more intimate fashion. I'm lonely, and I don't want to put myself in situations where I have to feel I have to put up a brave front.I have two more nights left. How can I salvage this? I don't really want to be out and about. I just want to stay productive and recuperate.10:19 PMFinally woke up from my drug haze. Starting to sweat waiting for the train headed to Julian's place. Yes, we are finally meeting. I just remembered why I hate summer: heat rash. I really DO have sensitive ethnic skin. He responded first. And someone I'd been flaking out on for the longest. Why? Because I figured he'd be too skinny for me. Sigh. I am shallow.I also need to stop, finally, and leave Tarek and Isaac alone. I harrass them because I know that they're not for me. Whether it's because THEY aren't interested in ME there's nothing I can do about it. So why waste more time?I front about wanting someone more masculine. I refuse to feel bad for wanting to be in a relationship, but I recognize that I need to come first and get my shit together.

new rituals

2008-09-27T17:59:00.003-04:00

here's one thing new that i find myself doing:

i scrub the tub down before every bath/shower. lately it's been the only way i feel completely clean after.

used to be that i'd just sleep in bed all funky from the gym, or work, and not really give a fuck. mentally i just can't seem to bear the idea that i'm cultivating bacteria and other organisms (and the bad DIRTY kind!) in my sleeping life. i'm more inclined to shower at night and wash away all the grime and sweat i'd accumulated versus showering in the morning. fuck a fresh start, here's to ending the day with added peace of mind!

the same seems to go with my diet. as i'm getting older, the motivations for adopting a healthier lifestyle have become more immediate, and i am more inclined to follow through. not because i love healthy shit, or that i feel that i should, but i seem to reap the rewards or suffer the consequences within a shorter window period. eat poorly and my stomach will retaliate. go to the gym or the usual creaking will ensue.

getting old? or my body is smacking my soul upside the head to get it together so it can live longer...

i'm not a rapper but i'll rap if it gets me in the door

2008-09-04T01:41:00.000-04:00

I MUST gotta be doin' somethin' right! woohoo!

some people might say i look "gay as fuck" in my video, but i say THANK YOU FOR ACTUALLY TAKING PRECIOUS SECONDS/MINUTES away from YOUR life even THINKING about me.

yeah okay the shirt IS pretty gay, but why you still lookin?! LMAO

find out what the haters are talking about! take time out and show love or leave your own hateful comments PLEASE! LMAO

BIG LOVE AND APPRECIATION FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT AS WELL!

you know i'm a singer/songwriter, but here for your (hopefully) listening pleasure is my first time rapping like, EVER! i wrote, arranged, performed, sang, rapped, harmonized, filmed, styled, and EDITED everything all on my own for the BET Hot 16 contest! please go to youtube and my myspace video page and give it the highest rating! i know you're gonna get a kick out of this!

and if you enjoyed it you can download it to your iTunes/iPod and take it to go! Just click on the graphic!

on the sly.

2008-08-20T05:06:00.003-04:00

who am i kidding. i be hopin' sometimes that you somehow know where this blog be at. lawd knows ain't nobody else reading it anyway.

it depresses me that all these people be wantin' to kick it to me, tryin, whatever. whatever. WHATever... yes, i still maintain that you're an asshole. suddenly i have some insight tho, that i am applying for myself.

i won't pretend to know the battles you fought. the battles you fight. that you never communicated to me. i won't act like i articulated my fight, nor were you at all obligated to make it your own. i get it. because i want to be a complete person too. without anybody else. i GET it. insofar as it applies to ME, of course. i hope you forgive me for not bein' so quick on the uptake.

so in my own way to these new cats i be the one that be the "asshole"... or even just straight up asshole minus the quotation marks. i don't want none of them touchin me though. gettin near. i push them away one way or the other. i won't presume to be evolved tho. i just aspire. i want. i WANT. but i don't WANT to want anymore. i aspire to transcend. and so i at least once in a while try to act the part. not because i'm playing along or frontin', but because i don't want to presume. and because i will most certainly have my lapses.

i miss JXXXX so much tho. just because i done gave him the benefit of the doubt. was more inclined to hear him out. read through the things that he wrote down. knowledge doesn't necessarily make you better than the next guy, tho, it just makes you more accountable for the actions of the same...

..doesn't it?

so handsome...

i don't want to let anybody else in... meantime, the ego be havin' a field day, while the dreamer stay dreamin'.

grateful lest the Lawd taketh away.

2008-08-05T01:24:00.006-04:00

i'm in bed now and my head is pounding from the salty fried chicken leftovers that my greedy ass scarfed down when i got home. but i had a great afternoon and evening. i am overwhelmed because i want to write everything down and my brain is trying to go in so many different directions the only thing i can safely commit to is stating my proclivity for tangents.

so i will list the various thoughts without trying to make them coherent.

went to the hospital this morning (Monday) to follow up on some financial assistance for some upcoming procedures. now i gotta be up bright and early (Tuesday) to go back with the documents i didn't know i failed to bring. i do what i gotta do to get better. pain has come to be an unwanted companion since april. physical pain. strange coincidences that aren't coincidences at all but a bigger picture that i need to step back and see, and appreciate. stress and anxiety only cause the snowballs to become avalanches, and unfortunately it ain't staying in my head.

then i went to the gym and did legs and shoulders. during my workout joshua called to see what time we were meeting up. i told him 2:30pm. i wasn't paying attention coz i told diego i'd meet HIM at 3pm, which logistically didn't make sense. so i backtracked and told joshua 3:30.

went home and got ready.

it should be noted that i have been picking up momentum in finishing "A New Earth" in the last two weeks, and am excited to read through it again without trying to digest it so much as live it more.

this has, ironically, been catalyzed by the theft of my ipod those few weeks ago, which i had been dependent on for helping me pass the time. music, video, whatever. so since losing it i have bee desperate to occupy my damn time lest it wander unchecked into less desirable mental territory.

anyway, at 2pm diego tried to bail and i pulled a hitler maneuver. whatever that means. hey, no denying results! both joshua and diego were cranky but they were on line early with me at Wingate Field by 5pm. we'dve been earlier but we were running around the vicinity of the train stop getting foodstuffs and other potentially necessary sundry items. like antibacterial lotion. i hate grass and parks or anything with SOIL in it because that means crawly stuff that i freak on. i'm a functional phobe tho because i do appreciate context and association, and damned if i can't keep appearances.

i scream on the inside.

so we took the 2 train to Winthrop Street and went to the Kennedy Fried Chicken, and they were ALL OUT OF CHICKEN! can you believe it? well, who cares coz that was the case. so we went to the Crown Fried Chicken a coupla blocks away. we also went to CVS for a jug of water & cheese puffs, and the Key Food for some Lemonade, crackers, cheddar, grapes, hummus, and some baby wipes. or adult wipes. just in case.

chillin on a blanket. i keep learning from the previous park experiences. "i'll do better for next time. lesson learned."

why so the fuck much food?! because i was overcompensating for the last coupla times i went to a free concert in the park, most recently John Legend and Estelle at the same venue two weeks prior, where we were sitting behind an elderly couple that had a three course setup in their cooler, and all my crew had was water, 2 small bags of sun chips, and some pepperidge farm goldfish. WTF?!?!?! so yeah, me and Diego were trying to avoid that.

John Legend was a GREAT concert experience. i think FREE, open air, PARK concerts with BEAUTIFUL breezes on a summer night are just fucking magic. and he made you fall in love, want to be in love, or just swear he was in love with you.

Erykah Badu? all by her lonesome, or at least her and her band, no opening act, or co-headliner, she reminded me that there is a bigger picture, that we are part of a global community, and that we are all struggling. she was beautiful tonight and eccentric but unabashedly human. she forgot a coupla lines in one song, but we were in accord with her, and felt spirit and message she was trying to convey. the underlying message as well, is that people DO forget things, we are imperfect, and changing, and alive.

with Toni and Diego

Even before it began it was foretold that the night would be the beginning of the rest of my life. Set it off, Cleo! Toni showed up and without fishing (coz, ironically, i didn't know there WAS any fish to FISH for... discuss amongst yourselves) she commanded me to rest my head on her lap, at which point she proceeded to give me a legit honest-to-goodness massage! as in she did that shit for a living! my day was complete. i was fed, massaged (my head was pounding and just tryin keep on truckin), and i was gonna get a free concert in a few--?! praise Him, y'all.

erykah up on the split screen behind us!

As if to obviate the alignment of the world, and my agreement with it, Erykah began her set with "The Healer". The contingent of Amerykahns in my vicinity knew the words to her catalogue and I was feeling PRESENT. After a few more songs and expositions she went into "I Want You" and i wanted to pour my heart out into the atmosphere. scream the lyrics till i got hoarse, because it echoed my sentiments. and i didn't want to start bawling...

so many moments...

"Hold on... my people..."

Tuesday I started my liquid diet so I could prep for Wednesday.

This is basically what Wednesday felt like:

it wasn't so bad tho. i showed up to the Edoscopy Suite, showered, but disheveled. my eyes were red from playin video games all night, and having the back of my gown flappin' in the processed "breeze" didn't do anything for my ego. Eckhart Tolle would have been proud of me, but then the two young nurses prepping me in the admitting room gassed it up again by complimenting me out of the blue. they kept making me laugh which helped set me at ease, but apparently they were really feelin' me:

"Brandy": You have REALLY beautiful eyes...! I don't know why I said that--!

I was kinda taken aback, and for a second thought i had on my "play contacts", but responded by laughing self-deprecatingly.

"Theresa" chimed in with: don't take this the wrong way, but you are REALLY good looking!

Just before i was about to get it from both ends, no less. You'll have to forgive me if my head ain't get THAT big. They were hilarious though, and if they were flustered, I could only tell when they kept stabbing me with the primary IV, while looking for my vein. At one point the auxiliary "placeholder" tube even snapped off and blood started spraying all over the sink my right arm was resting on. i was trying to stifle my laughter (as were they) coz i thought that would make the blood pump out faster. maybe some people would have not found it funny, but it's all in how you look at it. i am in a perpetual state of trying to make that shift in perspective, and the bigger picture was pretty darn funny.

the changing room.

sometimes the concept human dignity is misinterpreted, and other times, when you give it up to the powers that be, you get a tradeoff of a greater sense of dignity that has nothing to do with appearances. and dammit, it was good to know that i was gon' be alright.

in other news, the jill scott concert at summerstage that i bought tix for got cancelled, but i was planning on going to the free one the night before in BK as well. so it's all good to me. unlike a lot of my peers, i have zero problem waiting hours in line, because again, it's perspective. i see it as an opportunity to chill with, and be in the presence of those friends i came with, and hang out with them. unfortunately a lot of people don't quite seeing it that way. it's ALL a journey though, ain't it? my friend Ramon missed Erykah because he didn't want to deal with the supposed inconvenience, and he wasn't the only one. Other people would talk about how, "oh, they've done that already and went to such and such concert and hated bein' out in the heat," and come off all jaded and dismissive, but sure i'll see yo' punk ass out at the gay-ass beach oglin' the exposed flesh walking around, right? but check it, i've been to the other ones as well, and your "bad" experience, wasn't mine. i done BEEN stayed havin' a great time. plus i'ma bring food again, and drink, and other stuffs. i'll start my picnicking in the queue, coz that's how i roll.

holding out.

2008-08-04T00:27:00.003-04:00

it's a beautiful night. i got the window open and the occasional breeze, and the rustling of leaves, yes, even on 65th Street with its intermittent late night cars driving by, and drunk loud dudes, manage to soothe me. It even makes me think of a number of guys i wouldn't mind sharing it with... in bed, of course. cuddling, or maybe just laying there, not touching, just in case the heat rears it's ugly head again. just being quiet together.

i worry that they'd end up liking me even more. these little moments of urban magic can sometimes fool one into thinking they've stumbled upon the romantic lottery, but i just happened to be a warm body at the right place and time.

XXXXX really likes me. no not THAT XXXXX, a different XXXXX. i like him. i like him a lot, actually, as a person. but i don't have THOSE kinds of feelings for him. i feel kinda bad, because he'd totally deserve the best of me

if i had it in me to give.

as does XXXXXX. again. no sparks. i have affection for them, and want them to succeed, but i don't want to let anybody in. not for a while. i deserve to do better by myself.

XXXX is TOTALLY feeling me. and i hate that i sound so distracted when i'm around him. i've just been going through a hell of a lot lately. having a lot of pain, anxieties about what i'm going to do with my life...

the leaves rustle a little bit louder, to remind me to be in the moment.

i can't help but feel sad. no i don't have to be alone tonight, but the urban charms are woven into the night, the perfect setup for someone to fall in love. luckily it won't be me.

meantime, my libido screams: "well i WOULD come right over if my ADHD ain't cockblocked me."

i don't mean to hold out on you, but i only got enough time, consideration, affection, and intimacy for the one that i want the same from. i don't want you to fall for me XXXXX, because when you realize that I can't reciprocate, you'll just throw me away.

going to see Erykah Badu in the afternoon. still exhilarated from the John Legend concert. I want this experience to be even better. so i'm packing some popeye's chicken, and some of my pasta, and a coupla gallons of water to stay hydrated.

this weekend was more limbo. my hands are tied while i get my health problems taken care of. i need my medicaid to come through which is dependent upon me being unemployed.

in the morning i'm off to Beth Israel to speak to a financial advisor, as well as the proctologist, and also drop off those samples on the 3rd floor FINALLY.

all these things that i am too mortified to talk about to anybody. who could i possibly tell?

i had to turn down 3 job prospects because i gotta wait for my insurance.

JXXXX didn't respond back to my out-of-the-blue text. clearly the (lack of) response reads: LEAVE ME ALONE.

ambien finally making me lose even more cohesion. only wish HE was next to me, so we can enjoy the breeze together. i love you so much, dude.

documentation.

2008-06-27T21:03:00.002-04:00

hungry but i'm too afraid to eat
tired but my nerves got me shakin' like a leaf
my brain won't quiet down all these ideas of lyrics keepin' comin outta me.

different songs but there's similarities.

then i came to a realization that got nothing to do with it, but ties to my fatigue.

and i remembered some advice.

just because i avoid you doesn't mean i can't take anything good from you.

i flashbacked to an apartment in washington heights and i just couldn't sleep. i was working overnight and the sunlight kept breakin' thru the venetian blinds. too broke, or i "wouldn't afford" to buy premium blackout curtains, you said to use garbage bags.

they gon' come in handy again. i need to catch up on some sleep.

and peace.

peace.

hard on myself

2008-06-07T00:06:00.001-04:00

Gary kept sayin’ it to me. It’s not that I’m not, nor is it the first time that the observation has been made by others. I was pretty sure I was properly behaved though.

I thought I was playin’ it cool.

The date on Thursday went alright. It’s after midnight on the 7th as I write this, having just come back from my sister’s place for her and Chris’ birthday barbeque. I feel bad because I invited him to come along while we were having dinner the night before, and realized at the last minute that it was just a family thing.

i wasn’t ashamed or anything. I just would have ended up being too inconspicuous altogether since everybody was just close family. sort of. there were two people, a couple, that i didn’t quite recognize, but the number was low enough that it still under the “intimate” category, and I ain’t no damn “Ugly Betty” bringin’ my “Henry”.

we ate, were entertained by Nina, and then I went upstairs to lay down... i felt tired... i think i’m still drained from last Sunday. i got cajoled into comin’ down after a while to sing karaoke. normally i’dve been more emphatic about my “no” but the old man i didn’t know was KILLIN’ everybody with his old man song choices, and because my older sister asked me to. It WAS her birthday, and i didn’t get her a present. It was the least I could do to honor her request. it felt good to do something i loved for someone I loved. I don’t usually expect them to be any kinda supportive about my passion. maybe i was just the monkey dancing to the accordion, but did i mention it was her birthday?

I’d really rather have spent the evening with Gary. About 2 hours into the shindig i was ready to make my getaway, but apparently Gary improvised and went to dinner with his friends. I was disappointed, but more worried, because his text message saying as much ended with an exclamation point. you don’t put in an exclamation point unless you are trying to express something emphatically, right? was he mad? it would be understandable. originally i was gonna book dinner reservations but thought it would have been a good opportunity to see me in a different context. just so he would have a more rounded understanding of what he’d be getting himself into if he wanted to continue kickin’ it to me.

Yeah, i guess AM pretty hard on myself.

Today I’m expected to go to Rasul’s thing at 11am. He calls it “worship” but to the average layman it looks like singing. well, it IS singing. or rather, he’s worshipping through song. good news, indeed, but i will probably try to cut out around 12:30-1pm.

I had hoped to bring somebody along, and I thought of Gary first. not because i’m tryin to lock him down or anything, nor am I moving too fast. although from his perspective it can look REALLY suspect:

First encounter was a the club and we start makin’ out
2nd encounter we go for dinner and walk around
for the hypothetical 3rd that ended up NOT happening meet the family--?!
for the hypothetical 4th that ain’t happening either we go to CHURCH?!

yeah, that does look crazy. *sigh* if i was him i’d run too.

then again, he may not be thinking anything of it. but i’ll leave it alone. thankfully, i HAVE learned one lesson and am taking it easy, not to mention keeping my options open.

Jeffery doesn’t seem scared off yet. Jimmy seems to be crushin’ hard.

Who will I end up disclosing to? It’s not like I’ll need to since sex won’t be introduced anytime soon for either. I got fuckin flare up problems, not to mention my tummy is wylin’ da fuck OUT!

that depresses me. the prospect of NOT having sex because of health issues, AND scaring someone off with a DIFFERENT set of health issues. i know that the right person won’t care about that, but I can’t help but see that as a very REAL possibility.

soapboxes (xfer post)

2008-04-26T20:22:00.000-04:00

since apparently we're not above talking about past "situations"

i was waiting for you to get back on your soapbox. stop playin' yourself. accuse me of only having attractive friends?! you may as well point out to your own friends and tell the ones you think are ugly to their face that they are. maybe YOU find my friends attractive, but i don't look at the people i talk to in those terms.

in case you ain't noticed, i'm selective all around about who i let into my circle. there are a disproportionate number of attractive people who have zero personality and are all about the scene. and i don't want to have anything to do with them. you don't know who or what i find attractive and ugly in that regard. shit, i picked YOU didn't i?

i end up meeting a good amount of people and becoming friends with them BECAUSE I NEVER HAD DESIGNS ON THEM BEYOND THE PLATONIC. your sleazy muhfuckin' ass ends up with the alleged "uglies" as friends because you burned through all the "attractive" ones; either one party or the other IF NOT BOTH couldn't look beyond the corporeal long enough to REFRAIN from making any sexual advances.

and you're going to try to put me on blast like you are trying to improve MY situation?! what the fuck have YOU done?! seriously? you gon' try to tell my that i throw temper tantrums? BITCH you ain't seen a temper tantrum. and to use a public forum to do it? who the fuck do you think you are? don't presume to point out character flaws and not even explain the context. this "ninja" was trying to say I planned to see an ex the weekend after HE was supposed to come up, and in the same breath said "ninja" says that I didn't GET that he didn't want a relationship with me. If I thought it mattered to you who I was seein' and not seeing, MAYBE i'd entertain a response. As it were you're just being a hypocrite and a gossip for no reason. You can't act like you care but presume to be impervious to petty matters of the heart.

and you forgot to mention that you're self-righteous. self-deprecation is merely a vehicle for you to passive aggressively pass judgment on other people. don't presume to know everything there is about me, because you never even tried. this asshole fronted like he liked my music but never even listened through any of my songs until way after the fact. tried to tell me when we broke it off that we couldn't have a conversation about it because it was done and there was nothing to talk about.

NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT? Is that what your blog postings are, then? Nothing to talk about? But then you want to come around like all the fucked up shit never happened. That you can come and go as you please and I'm supposed to be content with the scraps under the table. One can only take as much abuse from others, that they inflict upon themselves, right? I WAS foolish. I HAVE foolish tendencies. I will act the fool AGAIN, I'm sure. But on those occasions when I recognize it for what it is, I do what I have to do to make sure I stop putting up with what does NOT feel right for me.

When we stopped talking I was extremely hurt. After a while I kept it moving. I was actually doing pretty well. I started making things happen for myself. Then I hear from you again, and suddenly things start going awry around me. Do I blame you? No. Certainly I am furious at myself for even entertaining the idea of letting you in, but I hold myself accountable.

you NEVER appreciated me beyond some source of entertainment, and while i should have taken it for what it was and left it at that, i couldn't help but have feelings. what, i'm not allowed? of COURSE I am. knowing that it wouldn't go anywhere, well, i don't want to be in a situation like that. it's not in me to be in any kind of situation with someone i couldn't see the POSSIBILITY of something with. not because I'm trying to get married right away. I'm hardly that ignorant (but people on soapboxes omit information that doesn't support their diatribes, don't they?), but at the end of the day it boils down to me WANTING what I want. If I'm not getting what I want, then why stay? It was only a matter of time before "not wanting to be in a relationship" with me translates into wanting to kick it to someone else. Obviously you're welcome to do what you want, but I'll be damned if you do it on my time.

Warning signs, indeed. You came with a helluva lot more warning labels than what you put out, and I didn't pay them any heed either. silly of me.

but here's a thought. if you don't want to be in a relationship with me, then WHY the fuck are you WORRIED about what I'M doing? up til now i ain't wrote a DAMN about you, and even still ain't tryin' to check up on you like that. i just DON'T want to know. have the decency to do the same. keep my name out your mouth.

surrogate

2008-02-07T23:33:00.000-05:00

setting up.

people have been buggin' me for details, asking me how the show went, etc., obviously because they didn't attend. while i have ambivalent feelings about the whole situation, objectively i have to admit that it went very well. despite all the downs that i have been going through there's no denying that too many events are in full swing for me to be in any semblance of a slump.

a few days before the night of my performance i was already starting to get the last minute cancellations, and text messages where i was regretfully informed of changes in plans. by the tenth cancellation i had reached my threshold and snapped at number eleven, who i probably lost as a friend, but i'm not terribly sorry since they probably only wanted to get in my pants anyway. after that one instance, however, my responses were decidedly leaning more towards stony silence.

friday morning I met my workout partner and focused on back and triceps. that whole afternoon, i let my anxieties get the best of me and instead on working on my music was stressin' over who was showing up and who wasn't. thankfully i had enough material for my set, but i KNOW it could have been better, were i not so worried about the body count. all told, about 40 of my people showed up, out of the promised 70 or so, and i should have been happy on multiple counts.

with my boy Diaz.

with Amanda, Ameerah, Tatiana, Catherina, and Erica

Cat and Dom

No I didn't drink before my show. Dammit. I wanted to so badly tho!

Me and Miles

re-channeling all the bullshit into my art.

once again, first time listeners would ask me if anyone's ever told me i sound a lot like John Legend. that's why when i do covers, i avoid John Legend's songs, as much as I love his music.

the people that show are the ones that matter most, and they're the ones meant to be there, right? didn't stop me from re-evaluating certain friendships tho.

after my performance, a bunch of us ended up going to a club and chillin... i promised Andres I would show up at 2pm for the gym despite the potential hangover.

woke up saturday with my sinuses all dried out and managed to guzzle some water before napping some more. but getting up just in time to meet Andres at the gym. naturally we worked on legs while i was hungover, because it was the most hated muscle group. i felt better after tho, and went home with a clearer head.

later on i met up with miles, originally to go to a friend's birthday party in Brooklyn, but decided i didn't want to be there. except for christiaan, none of those people could be bothered to come to my first real performance. instead we chilled at a lounge for a chunk of the evening before heading home and crashing.

sunday i was late for work, after which i watched "Untraceable" with Aries (who's actually a Taurus, but hey, i'm partial to Ariens coz i'm one!) and then went home.

monday morning i woke up to meet with Andres at the gym, and then met up with Garrad for lunch at Food Bar. We talked about a bunch of things, including his book shop. It occurred to me that being an entrepreneur is a lot like being an artist. It takes so much heart and initiative, and there's a great deal of uncertainty involved. Maybe i was projecting, but i really want to see Garrad's business succeed. I want to see his community, geographic and demographic, get behind him, and support him. To that end i suggested starting a once-a-month book club that would be held out there. Nothing pretentious, and a whole lot of fun. No baking, cooking, or hosting. just keep it simple. order pizza, or buffalo wings and read fun escapist books. poke fun at each other. have a good time. and maybe just happen to support a black owned business in the bargain.

after lunch i went straight home to shower and change, and pick up my guitar for class. i was cutting it kinda close but managed to get there in time. the second week of class we learned a few chords and ran through some exercises. the more i do it the more excited i get. i am anxious to start writing more organically and often, not being limited to premade tracks. and it really helps my self esteem to have this new skill, not to mention havin' a guitar strapped to my back while walking around draws attention that is validating to me as a musician, and i feel more confident telling people as much. yeah i suck right now, but i'm learning, and that's the best part.

so i'm still truckin', keepin' busy. i have structures in place to keep me from slipping. a workout partner to get me out the house in the morning, music to write, guitar lessons, friends to snap me out of it. i don't have time for manic downswings... right?

overwhelmed.

2008-01-16T07:35:00.001-05:00

i am overwhelming myself. too much stimuli, maybe. i just keep loading pressure after pressure on myself. what are the things i need to get done? how can i move forward?

i am starting to get together a circle of friends that are fellow artists, but who are actually DOING something with their art. i need that kind of nurturing environment, and it is a great way to start this year out. that doesn't mean i will neglect the friends that i have known over the years, but i need to be around people that are interested in that aspect of my life and are happy to support it, as i would them.

something about me seems to attract emotionally unavailable people. or maybe i just have the generic "want what you can't have" syndrome. i need to cut that shit out. cut my losses the very MINUTE the dude starts showing signs of bein' a wack ass boyfriend. just because they're good looking or even a straight up great guy doesn't mean they're going to be great to YOU.

i have a major gig coming up on February 1st. i am freaking myself out because it is my first time doing an extended set. Forty five minutes!!!! i can create 45 minutes of material, but i need to take it step by step. i can do that, can't i? i will take it slowly. starting tonight at work, i am going to ONLY set the goal of working on ONE song, converting what i have into performance tracks.

my guitar classes start next week. i really need to be focused about that. it is only an introductory class to get me motivated, but after that i know i will need to step it up, especially if i want to start performing more. it's like getting a driver's license. i'll definitely have more options available to me once i get that off and popping. certainly i'll be freer to write any song i please.

jakgeem's friend looks promising for post production work on my songs, but i can't afford him right now with everything else that's going on. i can't be trippin' and pressuring myself to do everything RIGHT now... i can at least save the money and try to get him to do it a few weeks AFTER this gig, but for now all my time, energy, and money will be devoted to making that work the way i need it to. speaking of which, i need to find a friend with a digital camcorder so i can get proper footage of the performance.

the dating game is also overwhelming. i think i choose emotionally unavailable people because i already know where it's going to go. whenever someone who is actually about it comes along i suddenly get tired, and don't want to deal. because i have to start all over again. doin' the whole "get to know" thing... and to what end? so i will make more of an effort to just meet people on a platonic level and stay focused on making my career happen for me. that way i can still get to know these people without the added pressure of thinking something's going to come out of it other than a good friend.

i sent back julio's "package". so funny. he might as well have called it another "situation." he went out of his way to call it something besides a "gift" or "present". heaven forbid it came from his "heart". but what the fuck?! UNDERWEAR?! was i supposed to take that to mean something? don't get me wrong they were nice and all, and i'll probably want to get myself a pair with my own damn money, but shit, where was the thought it THAT? and for what? i wish that asshole would get off his soapbox. nobody reads my blogs so i can say whatever the fuck i want. if i really wanted to put him on blast like that i would have put a blog out on my page where a shitload of people can read it. pretentious faggot.

ugh. i just need to re-focus.

fading out.

2008-01-06T07:55:00.000-05:00

this is my first entry since changing my blog url so that no one, not even julio, can find my blog. he swears i'm lying about getting some stupid package from him, and i was tempted to respond back, but it doesn't matter anyway. i didn't get it, therefore it's impossible to send back. no, instead, he'll just believe that i kept it.

obviously someone will find this blog... just nobody that actually knows me. so right now i'm just going to put out there what's in my heart to say.

i'm tired. and depressed. and i feel like giving up on life. i don't have faith in anybody. i don't feel like doing anything. i just feel alone, and lonely. i can't even bring myself to talk to anybody. what's the point? the end result will be the same anyway. just give up, dominic. let it all go...

daredevil

2007-12-31T08:30:00.000-05:00

december 30th 2007.

i had been anxious about it for days. my very small cameo appearance on harmonica's show doin' 2 songs. i keep looking over the video that i recorded on my digital camera and all i can think is, yuck. i looked kinda awkward. the sunglasses may have helped my confidence, but they didn't really look good on me. i hate how i looked. there i said it. and i heard later that the first words out the haters' mouths were whisperings of "John Legend". ugh.

i did "so unfair" and "why did you call". the last song i channeled as much of the shit i've been going through as i could into. hopefully my sincerity came through, coz lawd knows i looked kinda crappy.

what's funny was that finishing the set and walking around was worse than the before or the during. i had gotten that part out of the way and all i wanted to do was cry. none of it felt real. there was no great love to enfold me at the finish line. yes friends and family were there, and i was grateful. but i had to keep going with the performance, going from person to person trying to get people to join up in the mailing list or talk about my music or passing out my business card. i had to keep going. i didn't want to talk to any of these new people. more people to in some way shape or form try to please. i was soooooo tired.

maybe that was it too, because i had worked the night before and hadn't slept very well. but the exhaustion was mental and spiritual, and i could feel myself wanting to break down in the middle of the club. i don't know what was more maddening. why i was feeling the way i was, or that i had to bottle it all up until i was in the privacy of my own home, 3 hours later...

for the record

2007-12-30T05:41:00.000-05:00

nothing came in the mail. i'll send it back, unopened, if it ever comes.

sadism

2007-12-28T03:50:00.000-05:00

3:51AM

down time at work. idleness is indeed the devil's playground.

my head's pounding and i want to scream. nothing to do and no one to talk to. i tossed and turned all day. i thought we agreed not to have anything to do with each other?! why the fuck are you texting me? why, when you know it HURTS. it fucking hurts so bad and i was already having trouble sleeping and seeing your number come up made my mind race and my anxiety elevate to new heights. what the fuck are you DOING?! are you really that insensitive? that inconsiderate?

there is no good time to call. there is no gift to send. just stay away from me. if you think to call or send one of your stupid texts one day... DON'T. i may actually be in a good mood and hearing from you fucks it all up.

and keep your gifts. there was only one thing i ever wanted from you, and it's not something that can come in the mail.

just stay away from me. lose my number. delete me as surely as you have from your life. your friends are pieces of shit for tellin' you to stay away from me, why would i want to count myself among them?

mastery of me

2007-12-26T06:35:00.000-05:00

i found out that ledisi is performing february 15th at the Highline Ballroom. i want to go, but the idea of not taking Julio feels wrong. meantime, he would have no compunction about doing the same thing, in all likelihood. shit, if we're bein' real about it, i'm sure he has no problem, no pang of regret, no sentiments about rocking ANYthing that i have gotten or made for him.

so why can't i throw out these books? i can't stand to even look at them, but they're only thing i have from him. it'd be a good symbolic step towards letting go, right? if i were more evolved perhaps i would be able to separate the sentiments/symbolisms i've weighted upon it, and take it for what it is. but hell, i made the effort to read them, painful though it was, and tried to glean what knowledge and wisdom i could. now i must do myself another favor and let these go too.

i'll find people to go with, i guess. i have to. that's what people who move on do, right? i should at least go through the motions...

on death and lying

2007-12-24T09:36:00.000-05:00

i'm scared. i'm home in bed wearing a hoodie sweater and sweatpants, buried under a mountain of blankets. i don't think i have any choice but to tell SOMEbody in my family. i've isolated myself so long about my status that i seem to only be able to run to or confide in past partners that i've disclosed to about any concerns i may have about my condition. the friends that know can only do but so much. the only one that knows that drives is Blandon, and he has proven that he is no friend at all.

but i lied this time. julio had apparently been checking in on me via myspace and my blogs, and expressed concern about the latest entry. what the hell for?! in vain i tried to keep from doing the same, and only allowed myself to read his blog page on occasion, only to have the message ring loud and clear: he thinks me detrimental to his life, at least in the capacity of a date/boyfriend/situation. i get that human concern is universal, but damned if he ain't cut me off. why does he get to call the shots? why do i let him? certainly not in my life...

he called, after all this time of not accepting MY phone calls, and ignoring MY text messages, "just wanted to see if you were alright." to what end? would he have jumped on the next bus to see me? doubtful, but even if that were the case, it was not how i envisioned seeing him again. it's not like he wanted to get back together anyway. so, despite myself, i told him i was fine. i also told him to stop checking on my blogs. i don't feel like coming up with yet ANOTHER blog site name. i bet he doesn't care to change his either.

i am feverish. my head is pounding. i feel fatigued. the smallest actions drain me. i don't feel like i'm getting enough air in my lungs, and it hurts to breathe deeper. i am sweating but still shivering uncontrollably. i can't sleep as a result, and have been awake for the last 36 hours because i'm trying to keep from taking any more ambien. but my doctor is on vacation, and after telling him that i thought it may have just been a panic attack, calling him on his cellphone feels like i'm just crying wolf.

my family is at my sister's house, and i am home alone. and i am scared. i don't know who to tell or talk to. there is no one to comfort me.

this morning i crawled out of bed long enough to grab my laptop on a hunch. my heart sank as i listed the symptoms i was feeling over at WebMD. reading through the various potentials i swallowed painfully, and decided i was going to at least tell my little sister. i didn't want to die alone.

please let it just be a flu, and not pneumonia.

a sad commentary on the state of our country's healthcare?

2007-12-20T01:31:00.000-05:00

was it a sad commentary on the state of our country's healthcare system?

maybe, but my country was the last thing on my mind around 9:50PM. i was taking my weekly prescribed shot intramuscularly in the privacy of my bathroom where there were mirrors aplenty. i've never gotten used to the needles. i always gotta do something to "fool" myself, or distract myself before injecting, but it's been over a year now that i've been doing it. nothing out of the ordinary, you could almost say... for me anyway...

10 seconds later my vision started to darken a little bit, and my chest constrict. my throat tightened and i coughed involuntarily. what the fuck?! before my thought could complete the f-word i coughed again. and again. i couldn't breath because my throat kept spasming. i had no clue what was going on and i was scared. the coughs came more violently and my chest and throat were hurting, but stupid me i was almost more concerned about what the ambulatory bill would cost should i call emergency (this has happened before when i had my jaw fractured and cringed at the bill) than my own survival.

in my state of panic, my brain scrambled for who the fuck to call. it kept shying away from the obvious: family. no one was home, but it didn't matter because i didn't want them to know anything was wrong. i've fooled myself into believing that i had kept them in the dark for the past 3 years, and i wasn't about to let this change my M.O. how stupid is that, right? so i started thinking about who knew about my situation that drove...

why did i start calling javier? the guy that broke my jaw straight down middle? thankfully i came to my senses and hung up, then proceeded to call Blandon, someone who, despite our random conflicts, i considered a good friend. Of course he told me to call 911. am i the only one that charges blindly onto the scene to save the day? why everybody else gotta make sense?

of course my logic went along a different path. i'm already shit deep in debt. i really didn't want to end up having to shell out more money that i didn't have, or have to ask anybody else to help me out with it after the fact, either. hastily i put on my clothes, hurt that blandon didn't offer to be right over. i'll just take a cab, then. my second thought was that i hope i ain't passed out while in a state of half-dress...

my third phone call, finally was to my doctor. i struggled to explain my condition. naturally, he, too, insisted i call 911. reluctantly i agreed, then hung up the phone and continued dressing. lord, please let me at least have SOME dignity, i prayed. the phone rang again and i glanced quickly at the caller id (julio? i thought wildly, before i could pull the thought back into the dark recesses of my brain from which it came) and mentally snorted in disgust when i saw it was just blandon (*smacks forehead*). i ignored it, resentful. a few seconds later it rang again and this time it was my doctor:

"What is your address?"

Huh? Dumbly i recited it between coughs, only to realize that he was calling the ambulance on my behalf. so much for fatalism! i nodded my assent to nobody in particular, and resignedly continued to dress, making sure i packed my iPod and phone, along with their respective chargers, bracing myself for a long night. i also called work to tell them there was a good chance i was not coming in.

sirens blared in the distance. hurriedly i threw on sweat pants and sneakers. a hooded sweater pulled over my head and a buttoned up bubble vest completed the outfit. good thing it wasn't as cold as the night before because i wouldn't have been prepared, but all i could think about was keeping whatever attention i was drawing (or going to draw) to a minumum. i ran outside the co-op building hoping to intercept the ambulance and circumvent the possibility of uniformed civil servants stomping up to the front door and ringing the bell, asking for ME.

the ambulance pulled up to the apartment building, and i waved them down as the first EMT exited the vehicle from the driver's side. after i identified myself, the EMTs ushered me in, taking my blood pressure and checking my lungs. by that time i was starting to calm down, and started apologizing profusely, embarrassed. questions concerning my health ensued, and thankfully they were satisfied with my answers, because they let me off after i signed a form waiving transport to the nearest hospital.

i then went back inside and called work to tell them that i would indeed be coming in to work. my chest was still sore, as was one side of my jaw from all the coughing and heaving, and any heavy breaths would bring on a fresh onslaught of the same. still, what did it matter? whether i stayed home and called out sick to recover, or lick my wounds at work in the dead of night, i would still be all alone.

in the morning, i will go to the doctor's office after to make sure everything is okay.

----------------------------------------------------------------

i don't want to be the new face
but it's too late
i'm my only representation
these days

ain't tryin to spark no debate
or rehash the things that others say
i just want to be myself
and it be okay.

the new face by dominic * san juan

you only think about yourself.

2007-12-06T21:42:00.000-05:00

there was a point in the last month where i would be driven by my anger, but all i have in the last few days is lethargy. i don't want to do anything. i'm hella depressed, but i don't want to drink, i don't want to go on anti-depressants. how i feel is how i feel, and i don't ever want it to be less than genuine.

i'd be bored at work, with just the internet for company, and would start to type "adam..." only to remember that i had taken the account down, along with all the others. what's the point? what's the point of any of it? right now it's 10pm... i can't find the will to go to the gym before work tonight...

it's so debilitating...

all i feel like doing is writing more music, more songs, trying to articulate everything i'm feeling and condensing it into a format under five minutes to share with the general public. why? why now when i'm at a low? because anything outside of that would sound pathetic, and "too much information." the one i really want to share it with has turned a deaf ear to me.

come to think of it though, he never really expressed any interest in that facet of me. how could i have let that slide? my music is a very important part of me, and i was happy to gloss it over because it didn't matter when i had HIM on the brain. his excuse was that he wasn't sure if i'd be sensitive about my shit, given the M.O. of his OTHER exes, as if to say THEY did anything with their art except talk about it. what, THEY got a myspace page with their own written music on it? they go out to open mics and tell you they would like for you to be there? no, i'm pretty sure i'm the only one actively doin' anything about it. but yet again, it was one more thing you needed to be hit over the head with. like i had to get on a bullhorn for you to be considerate.

somehow *i* became the one with the problems though. *i* was the one you had to remove from the equation. the one that your gut (and your wack ass SINGLE gurlfriends-- i ain't gotta tell YOU that misery loves company...) "screamed" at you that i was detrimental to your well-being. that i was the one at fault.

and perhaps the greatest fault--the most heinous crime-- that *i* committed, was to myself. i forgot my own worth. i forgot that there are things that i deserve. that i am worth the effort it takes to maintain a long distance relationship. worth spending time with. worth the thoughtful phone call. worth being in a REAL relationship with. why the fuck are you trying to call it a relationship now? even your language reflects your distaste for it. you referred to it, when you finally admitted to it BEING a relationship, as "that" relationship, not "our" relationship. i deserved better. i still do.

doesn't change the fact that i really did love you. or that i still do. but i DO know what i'm worth.

i am a truly warm, thoughtful, considerate, disgustingly talented, incredibly intelligent, funny, attractive, and sincere man, admittedly with some shit to work through. i have been hurt, invalidated, dismissed, passed over, broken, stabbed in the back, and been dumped. and it's happened again.

hard to move, but i got to.

2007-12-05T19:05:00.000-05:00

in vain

2007-11-27T15:41:00.000-05:00

wrote a new song, put it up on my myspace page:

"In Vain"

VERSE 1
I ain't tryna front like i'm so evolved and above all the petty disputes
it ain't easy for me to love freely like i got nothin' else to lose
you can't come around here as you please brotha you still gotta pay your dues
i'm not tryna jaded but i can't help havin' attitude

HOOK
they say you gotta learn to stop to start
and while i know we both played our parts
on my end it won't be in vain

i took a chance and it messed up my heart
but i'ma channel it into my art
no i won't let it all be in vain

VERSE 2
yeah i'm hurt this here's a cry for help but you can take it any way you please
i gotta get it out my system, the only thing i'm thinkin' bout is release
i'm tryin not to give in to my urges and beg baby baby please
it ain't an issue of pride but more an exercise in futility

HOOK 2X
VAMP
FADE

-----------------------------------------------------
i'm tempted to read his blog, check on his myspace page, facebook, anything for any kind of contact, but i'm also afraid of what i may find. i don't want to stumble across a blog where he's talking about how much better off he is, or whatever lesson he learned from that experience, or him suddenly forswearing men, or at least men with drama, or any other baggage, like that was all i was. *sigh*

2 more songs to go.

more exercises in futility

2007-11-23T09:56:00.000-05:00

i want him back so badly. why do i keep wanting someone who doesn't want me? how can i stop it from continuing? i'm so lost without Julio. there's this part of me that just KNOWS that no one else would want me, certainly not anyone that i wanted the same way.

i feel isolated. but i have to make myself get out there. there's so many things i wanted to share with him, and now i can't do that.

low point.

2007-11-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

so hard to keep it together...

it's a terrible horrible feeling, knowing that the other person isn't thinking about you. at most they're relieved that they never have to deal with you again. meantime, you can barely function without choking down a sob, your face (at least you think) a mask of composure for the world outside.

it's a terrible feeling, having someone else put their arms around you, or trying to kiss you, knowing in your heart that only one person ever really had the right to do those things... wanting to throw up when you realize that whoever it is holding you now can never take the place of the one that went away. becoming even more nauseous realizing that the one that went away surely has no such reservations of holding somebody else, kissing them...

everything hurts so bad.

congratulations, i hate you.

2007-11-10T00:36:00.000-05:00

you self righteous son of a bitch. i hate you. i hope i never see you again. i ain't gon' pretend like i have any charitable thoughts, but how fucking dare you pretend like you did nothing wrong in the relationship.

and then to presume to say that we CAN be friends someday?! how fucking noble of you. come up off the soapbox asshole! you are selfish, insensitive and inconsiderate, and it was stupid of me to have tried to blame myself when i was nothing but good to you. i hope to god you get played so fucking fiercely that you learn never to fuck with anybody else's heart again. i hate you.

weblog 11092007-1

2007-11-09T02:49:00.000-05:00

last week i tried checking out an AA meeting. some of it was like what i saw on TV. the main difference was that it was me walking in. it was good that i went, if only because it was brought to my attention that i am not an alcoholic. i am no more abusive with alcohol than with anything else that would be deemed potentially self-destructive. yes, there were many things i needed to change about myself, but AA, apparently, was not the answer... i got the impression that some of the people there kinda were rollin' their eyes at me.

i started therapy today. nothing really got done. the first time is usually a whole lotta nothing, mainly decompressing and bring the therapist up to speed on where you are, and what you hope to get out of it. i didn't know where to start.

i talked about how lost i felt. how terrible i've been feeling. how isolated. expressed concern over goin' crazy, becoming somebody's sob story. no longer being "Dominic" but dismissed as drama.

was i so bad? did i treat you poorly?

work ended on a stressful note. i was exhausted by the time i got to therapy at 9am at Callen Lord, after which i went down one flight to where joshua's office was. we chatted for a bit, and while going through my check-in sheet for therapy realized that my emergency contact was still javier. crazy. although at this point irrelevant. feeling the way i did i had to force myself to care, and had joshua change it to my mom's information.

wearily i headed back home and promptly crashed, minus the ambien. woke up around 5:30pm, only because Diana texted me to remind me about dinner. i was drained and tired still but was up for it, since i haven't seen her in a while. i didn't want to go to whatever workshop she wanted me to go to with her tho, and asked if i could just meet her later for dinner. she sounded put off by that, and just said we'd chill some other time. good job, Dominic.

i could've gone back to sleep since i was so tired, but was also afraid of lethargy taking over... it would be so easy to just let it all go, but i reminded myself i would be the only one that cared if anything bad happened, and why should i let myself down like that? yes, i feel like shit, yes i'm depressed, yes i am disgustingly still in love with Julio, but i needed to keep myself occupied.

so again i went to the gym. after i went home and made myself some dinner. tito was home so i went upstairs to have a talk with him. i decided i was too volatile to make any decision about moving to his place and subleasing, and confided all of my anxieties. feeling like a second class citizen because of my status. not feeling i had a right to complain or want anything from anybody.

i may very well be moving back home to Queens by the time Thanksgiving rolls around... i really don't want to have the dinner anymore... not without him...

what am i doing? i know he ain't thinking about me. he has basically shut me out. why am i in denial about it???

please... work it out with me...

goin outta my head

2007-11-06T17:32:00.000-05:00

not a pretty place to be right now, so i have been trying to distract myself, and as a result have been making sure all my free time is booked up, even going so far as OVERbooking my time. i can't bear to chance it that people will flake, leaving me hanging, and quickening my anxieties.

to that effect i have actually gone to the gym more often. i'm loving the new location on 145th Street in Harlem.

by the time my overnight shift ends at 8am i've tried setting up breakfasts with various friends, acquaintances, potential rebounds...

(i don't really want to see ANYbody but Julio tho... all i ever wanted was to be able to spend time with him... i never asked for anything else...)

obsessing over my goddaughter and pouring all the love i have left into her tiny frame, and pathetically grateful for any attention she gives me.

haunting hookup sites for basically no damn reason at all... i entertain the idea of meeting new people only to flake out my damn self. despite knowing it ain't what i want i can't help but travel the same paths... feeding my own version of insanity... but i don't know that i expect a different result.

just distracting myself, as usual... there were instances during various parts of the day where no distractions would present themselves i'd start sobbing uncontrollably for all of 15 seconds before i could pull it back together...

also on the productive tip i went to open mic, in no small part thanks to the urging and encouragement of Jason. I am indeed very grateful, because even if i don't feel especially good about it, much less motivated, i am aware that i'd look back at these times and regret not having done SOME-thing...

finally i got some footage of me performing "Why Did You Call", as well as a remix of "So Unfair." also there to support and hopefully be entertained was Mal. long-time myspace friend Morgan ALMOST made it on time, but i appreciated the sentiment at least...

why did u call (live)

Add to My Profile | More Videos

so unfair remix (live)

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Jason also managed to get me to go with him to the "Pig N' Whistle" where his coworkers were engaging in drunken karaoke... i tried to be a good sport and signed up to sing, making sure to pick something easily recognizable. the first attempt, Lou Rawls' "You'll Never Find" wasn't well received, but then again the mic levels weren't that great and they could barely hear my lower register, but my second attempt i knew would get em wylin. I figured I may as well please the natives, in this case straight up WHITE FOLK in an IRISH PUB, and launched into New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle."

During the bad times i wish you were there to hold me close, or speak words of encouragement, but it's when things are going really well that i get saddest, because i want so badly to share them with you...

the fallout...

2007-10-31T18:59:00.000-04:00

why was i so upset? what prompted me to blow up at Julio?

i felt pushed off to the side. after all the things we were going through, and sgreeing to try to work shit out, he only gave more signs of disinterest, and lack of consideration.

the weekend before, he came down on a saturday, telling me he would be leaving monday morning. i understand how plans change, but why didn't he tell me as soon as he found out that he was leaving earlier? i would have understood. and even more, i would have changed the plans so i could have made the most of the time that we had together. i was hurt, and feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

but i tried. even though i was even more disappointed that he didn't even make an effort to spend ANY of the following weekend with me for his birthday:

i understood that you were with your friends and don't begrudge you that, but you didn't even express interest in making ANY time for me. how is that "working things out"? i'm SO hurt, because all i wanted was to see you.

you know what i was doing all week? i was arranging for you to get your bday present, looking EVERYWHERE i could for SOMEthing that showed how much i thought about it. Friday i chose to forego sleep so i could get my facial hair trimmed, and even went to get a pedicure, JUST so i could look good for you. imagine how taken aback i was when you couldn't even make time to correspond with me.

we were in the middle of a serious conversation, and NO i don't mean about the stupid myspace account, but how you were approaching this "situation" when you just DROPPED out of it. i thought i'd said something wrong. only an hour or so later do i receive another text from you saying you JUST came out of seeing a movie. Why couldn't you have been considerate enough to at least TELL me you were going into that movie and that you would not be able to correspond? why leave me hanging?

in light of all the preparation and thought that i had been giving to you, for you to not EVEN be sensitive enough to tell me that WE SHOULD TALK LATER, instead of ignoring me when things are inconvenient, how should i not have gotten upset? why don't you think about me????

and to top it all off you decide that i'm not worth it?! and use the lame excuse that i walked past you in the bar? i DIDN'T EVEN SEE YOU! that's not fair! you KNOW all i want to do is see YOU. hold you, and you hold me too... why don't you want to work it out?! i am hurting. i want to believe so badly that you care, but you aren't giving me ANYthing to work with... please... TRY to make it work... don't shut me out...

i keep...

2007-10-31T09:07:00.000-04:00

i keep going on these stupid hookup sites. but everytime somebody hits me up, especially anyone that might be deemed "attractive" i just get nauseous... i don't want any of it, much less actually meet people, but i can't help myself... feeling so empty inside...

i could've gone out last night. i could still go out before work tonight. but for what? it would be the same effect, saving that i would actually have to expend energy to leave the house, and the likelihood of my well-being deteriorating would increase.

i don't know how i can deal with this, especially while at work. monday i was in a daze trying to keep it together. i put in my bid for shifting to the day shift and was more or less shot down. is it worth it to even try anymore? should i look for something else?

my leg won't stop shaking. i'm freaking out. i have no desire to drink it away. i don't especially feel like hurting myself... i don't even want an escape... i feel lost, and alone and running in circles... the sites are so stupid, but i keep checking in on them anyway. isn't that the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result?

i am going to see my goddaughter today... by midnight i will delete my accounts, yes, AGAIN, but with the understanding that i don't want to be insane.

you know what's funny?

2007-10-30T20:47:00.000-04:00

for the first time, i ain't shittin' on my looks... i don't blame bein' bad lookin' (or rather, somebody else being BETTER looking). i don't feel especially like a loser. friends and acquaintances are tryin' to get ahold of me to hang out, reconnect. i don't lack for attention. i don't feel especially stupid, or untalented...

i am just straight up... sad. why is it so bad that i want to share everything going on with me, mostly the good things, with him?

and still... i can't shake the feeling that he's relieved that i'm out of the picture... now he can live his life according to his plans... no more wrenches... no sidetracking... he's got his whole life ahead of him. i actually want to be happy for him. but i miss him dearly... right now i have to admit it's debilitating... i know he'd not think well of someone who couldn't function optimally because of some guy, even if the guy is him...

but damn i just wish i could take it all back. just shut up and front like i'm happy with whatever i get from him. i won't even have him come up here anymore. it'll be just a once a week, overnight arrangement... no interaction necessary in between, over the week.... i'll just take it for what it is... a chance to get away from all my home drama... lord knows i could really use it.

how could i have let my guard down?????

and now what? what the hell would i say anyway? "can we get back together?" we weren't even together in the first place! is it any less a relationship? no. but ANYTHING can be called a relationship. a FRIENDSHIP is a relationship. a FUCK BUDDY is a relationship. WHAT are--i mean, WERE we? and can i ever get it back?

wonder woman bracelets--?!

2007-10-29T11:57:00.000-04:00

i remember wanting to give you something i made, and wanting to see the look on your face. and like a kid i'd be hard-pressed to keep it to myself and had to at LEAST tell you that it was on it's way. you were like a kid too, and demanded to know what it was:

"Is it Wonder Woman bracelets?!" you would joke.

Every time since, when i'd find something new or that i could work on because it was something i wanted you to have my excitement would overtake me. i just liked making you happy. still i was a big kid about it, grinning slyly, coyly, letting u know something was coming in the mail. again you'd joke:

"Is it Wonder Woman bracelets?!"

everything's rocky between us now. largely because i don't feel that you're anywhere as considerate or thoughtful, nor do you put in any outward sign showing me that it really matters whether it works out between us or not. i wonder sometimes that i'm too demanding, or maybe I'M the one that's too available... am i wrong for wanting more?

...but it's your birthday, and this was something i wanted you to have. like a sullen kid, i couldn't very well tell you that i was going to get you anything... but i sent it over to you...

A Wonder Woman bracelet.

i miss you baby... i'm so lost...

Dominic San Juan

losing my mind...

2007-10-28T12:29:00.001-04:00

tryin' to be strong... not buckle... give in to the urge to see, hear, speak, contact him... accept the possibility that he will choose not to be with me...

i'm trying to distract myself...

half hoped he'd be at the bar, but left just in case he was... didn't feel like being fake. i know i'd stop enjoying myself the minute i'd see him.

went to another venue with Andre. it was wack, but the music was on point, and there was a dance floor, so i got to work out some of my aggression and frustration there. safely... it was therapeutic, to say the least.

what do i do now..?

all i can think about is him touching me...

i deserve better...

2007-10-27T03:52:00.001-04:00

... so why is it that all i can think about right now is hurting myself?

Because i can't afford to hope that he would actually come around. that he would actually care. i had originally given Julio an ultimatum: You have until the end of November to decide that you want to be in a real relationship with me. If at that time you are still not ready, then I'm cutting my losses.

why wait a whole month? because i never really thought he would choose me, and i needed that time to let go...

and now i don't even have that.

it hurts so bad...

Dominic San Juan

weblog 10252007

2007-10-25T01:28:00.000-04:00

i woke up this morning around 5:30am, tried going back to sleep, then woke up an hour later. hungry i made some pancakes then went back to sleep. my only main goal of the day was to replace my lost social security card, which i did around noon, then went home, fixed some lunch, then went to sleep. took a few hours before i was actually unconscious, so i wasn't surprised that i was late for work.

over the course of the last couple of weeks, and as the weather called for it, i had been wearing julio's jacket. if people left psychic imprints on personal items, his blue nike track jacket was probably the only thing i had of his that bore any significant trace of him, and i was desperate for any kind of contact, real or imagined.

as i laid in bed, awake, i conjured up a scenario of the potentially last day with him. a dull ache resurfaced somewhere under my rib cage. what was i supposed to say?

i practice different things to say, trying not to come off needy, angry, passive aggressive. trying to sound dignified, but still honest. i will try not to say out loud how much i will miss him, or how sad i am. wishful thinking that he would at the last minute change his mind and decide i'm worth it, and grab for me, holding me close. sometimes nothing is more eloquent than saying nothing at all. So that's it then, a smile, an embrace

________________________________________________________________

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS cont'd: Don't Take Anything Personally

I glance at the back cover where the author, don Miguel Ruiz, has a photograph of himself, and i want to black it out. I almost, and irrationally i know, resent him for being so damn happy. For being able to touch something in Julio that i never will. So what am i doing? Why am I reading this damn thing? Just because Julio asked me to? Admittedly, Ramon had gifted it to me earlier in the year for my birthday, but had never gotten around to reading it. I had always been looking to improve my lot, but i really hate being preached to.

So i have to make a conscious effort not to shoot the messenger.

This is bullshit. I am angry and trying not to be. Reading this book is pissing me off and I'm trying my damnedest to accept what truths may come from it. Mostly because I'm trying to apply it to my situation with Julio and I'm not hopeful about the end result.

So far what I'm getting from the Four Agreements is what I knew all along: I have no control over anybody else's actions or thoughts. My problem is that I keep trying to modify my own thoughts and actions to make the situation work because I have convinced myself that the situation is what i want for myself. But isn't what I really want to be happy? Not being true to myself clearly diverges from that desire. I must find the strength to go for what I truly want for myself. In the case of a relationship, someone that actually looks out for me, cares about me, and relishes showing it. Someone who takes time out to check in with me, and makes a conscious effort to spend time with me, and gladly.

in the meantime, and until that happens, i will try not to plan my days, weekends, free time around when Julio is available. i will do things because i want to do them. fuck it, if i want to see him i will go see him and carry on with the understanding that there are no outward ripples or repercussions. nothing i say or do will amount to it ever going anywhere.

Don't Make Assumptions

What I'm coming away with from this chapter is that it's basically okay to ask for what I want. I must try to be stronger and not get offended when i am turned down for asking for the things that i want. it certainly takes trust out of the equation, doesn't it?

You can't always get what you want. I can't always get what I want. Or maybe, what I want isn't going to be found where I thought it would. Refocus, in the meantime. I have been neglecting myself. Why do I do that?

My passions tend to go hand in hand though. My life feeds my art. My passion. This is one of those many moments i wished i had easier aspirations. Like be a fireman. Not to mention I'd be in better shape.

weblog 10222007-2

2007-10-22T18:49:00.000-04:00

okay. so it turns out you have to register with that temp agency via the internet, try to apply for the job that you're interested in, and THEN they'll see if you might be a match. So i registered. filled out ALL the crap, and some more crap to go. i got as far as the "references" section, but i didn't have an updated reference sheet. i did a search through my old yahoo account that i used looking for references, and would up walkin' down memory lane at some correspondences i had with the last person that broke my heart.

i miss being made to feel special.

i need to stick to my guns and take my ass to the gym after this, don't i? not to mention all the other things i said i would do.

____________________________________________________
Things goin' through my head as i'm reading "The Four Agreements"

Chapter One

-Domestication and the Dream of the Planet. I wasn't feelin' this chapter. Too many metaphors.
-interestingly enough, my image of perfection doesn't exactly please very many people in my world. the conflict comes because i covet approval, but want it on my terms, all the while believing it to be unrealistic.
-what agreements within myself are fear-based? how can i overcome them?

Chapter Two: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

-i am always going on about accountability and responsibility for my actions. but i admit to placing a lot of judgment and blame on myself when i do those things...

-there are so many things that i know/want/know to be true about myself, but FEAR that if i speak them that they will be ridiculed by others, mostly because that has been my experience. i KNOW i am talented. i KNOW i am beautiful. i KNOW i deserve love. i KNOW i am intelligent. i have trouble trusting that people are willing or able to see those things in me, though. can i be strong enough to make them see? sometimes i fear that people will perceive me as being arrogant if i were to say those things aloud. it calls to mind that Mandela speech... it's so hard to claim personal power, indeed.

-what can i do, what practices or exercises, to grow to be impeccable with my word? i remember these daily affirmations that they tell you to do in "The Artist's Way" (yet one more self help book that i never finished).
_____________________________________________________

i'm not going to the gym tonight. i feel so drained.

tomorrow i will be free after i babysit nina. i entertained the idea of jumping on a bus down to be with julio. he has plans though, and i refuse to be an imposition.

sadly everybody bailed on my side of the six flags excursion. i really wanted to go though. *sigh*

i already told him that i'm giving him until the end of november to decide if he wants to take the "situation" to the next level, whatever that is, after that i give up. again, i just don't trust that he would choose me. if i did, i would have given him shorter notice. this extra time... is more for me... guess i'm just giving myself time to let go... i'll be cryin' like a bitch for months after. damn christmas is gonna suck.

weblog 10222007-1

2007-10-22T17:03:00.000-04:00

Panic attack. Again. I need to do something with this ay besides work. It's 2:24pm and i'm en route to midtown. What am I doing to improve my situation? The wage garnishing has crippled me mentally more than financially. Lord knows it IS possible to manage. To do without.

There are things I can do as the situation permits, but what can I do RIGHT now? I have an hour before work starts. Why don't I make this a cardio day? I can go before or after work. What else can I do BEFORE going into work?

Barnes and noble? I would really be playin myself if I get that damn abds diet book again, wouldn't I?

Comic book store? Only brought it up because it's a thought that popped into my head.

All i've done so far is channel surf and watch porn. Not a good start to the day.

I hate my job. Change it! At least call ONE temp agency and set up an appointment. *sigh*

Check into starbucks and set up shop. Make some phone calls. Aquent is a good place to start.

Game plan:
Starbucks job quest. Realistic jobs to gun for given my established skillset include temping and admin, even personal assistant. Anything support staff oriented.

During work I will work on staying relaxed and focused. Continue reading through the Four Agreements and blogging my take on it. For the last couple of hours I will get my energy and outlook up so that I am mentally prepped for the gym.

At the gym I will focus on abs and cardio. I'll try to get my ass home as soon as possible and sleep so I can take nina to that "class" at 10am.

i know i should be more grateful but...

2007-10-15T14:25:00.000-04:00

i'm lonely...

just random quirky things about me:

#37) at least 75% of the songs i play at any given time are reflective of the state i'm in; the last ten songs can usually be seen up on this last fm widget i have on my myspace pages.

#12) it comforts me, especially when i'm depressed, to sit down crosslegged in the bathtub, and let the hot water beat down against my scalp and back.

#278) i have an innate fear of being scolded, even for the smallest inconsequential things. its taken me a long time to train myself not to flinch at a stern voice.

#202) sex stopped being JUST sex to me when my health became an issue, and i finally chose to be more discerning about who'd i'd have it with. it has to mean something or else i don't get aroused.

#40) i haven't made any improvements to my room because i'm afraid to commit to it. what if i have to relocate in a few months?

#18) my parents divorced when i was 8. i fronted like was the "in" thing to do at the time. one of the worst feelings in the world is being made to choose between your parents.

#115) my dad disowned me in 2005. not because i'm gay, but because i didn't agree with his way of thinking. even before that tho, i have never had a strong male presence in my life.

56#) i joke about being molested. but i was abused when i was around 10 years old by my uncle. yeah, i did think it was my fault for a while...

#99) i never felt like i fit in anywhere, and to this day front like i like it that way. truth is i just want to feel like i belong somewhere.
__________________________________________________________________________

today i woke up at 5am. then 6am. then 7am. that's what i get for being in bed for the bulk of yesterday.

it's 51 degrees outside. i got up for a few minutes to make myself a PBJ sandwich, then went back to tossing and turning until 7AM. there was no need for me to even be up this early, but since i did pretty much absolutely nothing with my requested days off i'm pretty angry. and frustrated. and perhaps it IS my fault. dude made it perfectly clear he was not coming up to see me. i just kept hoping anyway though. now after the fact i'm angry that i wasted my time moping, while he no doubt stayed on the productive tip.

i can feel myself trying to be more removed from the situation. not to care so much. but i'm scared that one day i will cross that line and become altogether indifferent to our situation. what am i doing?

it's monday morning. still stinging from the feelings of abandonment. just play it cool, dominic. no more gushing, no more L word, no more missing him. matter of fact, keep it all short and sweet. overnight visits, don't want to be in the way. this is as good as it gets, right? at least i know he's a good person. and i trust him, in my own way.

around 10:30am my sister calls to tell me that nina is there, and would i like to come play with her? i latch onto the idea like a drowning man to a lifesaver. and that's where i find myself by noon. eating mom's food and then laying next to my sleeping goddaughter. occasionally, she grasps for me. it's nice to feel wanted.

this morning there's this whole episodic texting wherein i am accused of having liasons with numerous guys from adam4adam. in a twisted kind of way i'm flattered that he went into my account. that, despite how wrong it actually is, that he's actually human, and maybe even a little bit jealous, of ME of all people. it didn't hurt that hooking up was never on the agenda for me, so i had no guilt about him going into it. admittedly i WAS looking for some kind of validation, that i had started to miss with him.

i know, i know, i shouldn't be looking outside myself for validation, but i'm hardly that evolved. i wish it were so, but i've had a fucked up childhood, and even more fucked up previous relationships.

with this "reboot" in our status quo, at least i know where he stands. if he wants to see me, i'll make myself available. but i will try more to NOT allow myself to ask for anything anymore.

in 24 hours i'll be changing the URL of this blog. i'm worried that this will become a passive aggressive way of expressing things, whether he responds or not will just make me that much more distressed. i really don't want him reading all my sentimental crap, either feeling obligated to comply, or resenting me for the same and not doing a damn thing about it, when this is just a means for me to vent.

sarah vaughn

2007-10-14T16:58:00.001-04:00

the sum of all zahirs...

2007-10-13T05:50:00.000-04:00

ramon sent me a text in the middle of the day yesterday and it read:

"Zahir in Arabic means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It's someone or something which once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered a state of holiness or of madness." -18th century Middle Eastern concept.

i slept all day yesterday after work. but not before fixing myself some corned beef hash and eggs. i know, exciting, right? i even made brown rice properly. the only thing i really wanted to be awake for was the new episode for avatar at 8:30, but as i watched the minutes tick away on the clock i could feel lethargy overtake me again. by 8:15pm i had both remotes in hand, but my eyelids got heavier, and i just curled up into a ball, burying my face into a too-firm pillow.

finally i woke up again at 10:30, and scrambled for the shower. i made it to work with 3 minutes to spare.

i'm pretty rested, to say the least. but what does today bring? i don't mean to be a loser. ugh. i know i'd SO be playin' myself if i just sit around and do nothing today, but i keep hoping something... will magically happen. i KNOW it ain't gonna happen. he's not very big on surprises... i guess i just keep projecting... but he ain't me. there's no reason why he'd do what i would do. hell, he'd consider it crazy even.

andre invited me to have brunch this morning. at 11AM! i don't know if i can stay awake that long, but i told him i'd give him a call when my shift ended and let him know the verdict then. i WOULD like to go, no more than when any of my other friends invite me, but i'm trying not to succumb to lethargy. the best way would be to head it off before it gets to that point, meaning i'd have to head straight to his place and maybe sleep for the 2 hours before brunch hits.

i texted CJ to see if he wants to come with. He, too, lives in Brooklyn, and we've been meaning to reconnect. Besides, i don't know andre's friends like that. and i'm notorious for being selective about the company i keep. maybe that's why some people think i'm a snob. but i just like to feel safe. yes, i'm a control freak.

after brunch, which will also be in Brooklyn, andre says, i'll head over to ramon's barber shop and get my mustache lined up properly... and treat myself to a pedicure. i'll see if andre wants to come with, but i had miles in mind to accompany me originally. he has yet to get back to me though.

after that i guess i'll clean up at home, pass out, then take my ass to the gym. both miles and andre will be busy in the evening, martin ain't in a hang-out kinda mood like THAT, and CJ always wants to do something BIG, and my social anxiety can't really handle being seen out like that anymore. but i need to be out. lawd knows HE's out there not thinking about me, fully functional, and having fun, why the fuck can't i get him out MY head? no, i need to take myself out of my home. distract myself. exhaust myself. then i can just go to sleep...

getting better...

2007-10-12T05:33:00.000-04:00

what the hell does that mean? it doesn't just mean giving up drinking, but just being better all around. achieving actualization... what would an actualized Dominic look like?

out there performing more often
making as many copies of his remade demo and soliciting them
going to the gym at least 4 times a week
eating consistently and healthy
staying on top of my meds...
working a normal day job
maintaining a strong support system and circle of friends
and yes, not relying on alcohol to drown out my problems.

it's terrifying, knowing there's no one that has my back. no one i can run to every once in a while and be held by, kissed, reassured. i don't need to be walked through things, hand held, but julio was my safespace... what am i gonna do now?

i guess this is day one?

day one finds me already awake, at work. woodenly i get through my audit, then try to kill time by watching the netflix rental of the day, Running With Scissors. i didn't love it, but i managed to fidget through it without fast forwarding.

hungry i picked up some noodles from across the street, doctoring it up with some hard-boiled eggs from the pantry. right now i'm listening to my new heavy rotation playlist, and reading a fantasy novel i purchased from amazon a few weeks ago.

funny, all the things i was trying to do to make the distances shorter... i tried getting us to read books together, sent music files, gave my self little gift projects to make for him... made plans for weekends that may or may not happen, and to what end? he says i should have been thankful that he even showed up. but i was there too. and i still went the extra mile. but the extra mile was necessary for it to work. availability isn't enough, but of course i was being needy, and petty, and childish. he told me to grow up. get better. that i was an alcoholic. always telling me what i need to do, but he resents me whenever i ask for anything.

ugh. i need to stop talking about it. what are my plans for the day? i haven't a clue. i know i'll be going to sleep at some point, but dread the tossing and turning that's sure to come for many weeks... half asleep with the crazy hope that the phone would ring, only to be disappointed that it's someone else. and of course i'm a loser for being this way. good thing i have sleeping pills. thinking is for the conscious, and i don't want to think about it.

i worry for the weekend. what am i gonna do with these days off? another reminder of my loss. and me trying not to drink... will it be for nothing?

lawd, but i'm weak.

2007-10-11T23:39:00.000-04:00

i called my old therapist, Peter Williamson, and i have an appointment for next week. there's also supposed to be an AA meeting up around my way on Friday at 8pm, but i don't know how that works... maybe i'll find out.

but who's to say when i'm "better"? is he supposed to determine that? am i supposed to furnish a certificate to him validating my sobriety? so yeah great i'm sober, then what? i would still have nothing. except that then i won't even have anything to numb my pain.

i'm cynical that he'd still want me, or feel anything for me, but i don't want anybody else.

no, i won't ever tell him. i pretty much told him to leave me be anyway. not really what i want, but all he does is text. i'm not even worth a phone call... i feel so lost...

countdown to oblivion

2007-10-11T19:39:00.000-04:00

so that's it then.

i am alone. martin says i should get used to it. accept it. sheesh. i will try. i'll also go back to therapy. i kinda liked my old therapist anyway, so i'll see what he's up to. it would have been nice to have belonged somewhere, but it's not meant for me.

and the worst part is, i'm the only one losing sleep over it.

crap. i have to delete everything now. all the photos, messages, call histories. i can no longer read his blogs, coz no doubt he'll have written me off as one more lesson to learn about himself. heaven forbid i be a real living breathing person. i have to cut ties completely because anything reminding me of him... well, it just hurts.

it hurts that someone i've put in all this time and effort for, that i've made every endeavor to get to know better, just swears they have me pegged. that they KNOW i'm some kind of alcoholic.

have a blacked out and drank in excess? yes, but few and far between, and only when something or someone has hurt me, so much so that i want to numb the pain. but more often than not i've been told i'm charming and funny when i'm tipsy. i've gone out three times this past week drinking and not once did i black out, and i had a good time. i even went straight to work after.

you are so fucked up. you claim that you would have changed, would have shown up on time if i told you, for example, but i DID. I fucking TOLD you countless times, directly and indirectly, how much it meant to me, and yet you STILL show up LATE.

but fuck it. i'm just not worth the trouble, am i? and maybe you're right...

Sometimes I forget I'm not like everybody else... that i have no right to ask for more than the little that's given to me... who would possibly love me and want to go above and beyond, knowing the truth about me? All my faults, and shortcomings. My deficiencies and diseases. It should be enough that they find me even remotely desireable, right? Keep me around...

I promise that next time I'll just keep my mouth shut, and be content with the scraps. If there's a next time.

I must not hope.

i miss him so much tho, and THAT hurts too, especially when he can make it better and he won't.

now THAT makes me want to drink. it's gotta wait tho, till saturday, and sunday... and monday... when i will be off.

i feel so lost. and scared. and i can't talk about it to anybody.

just in time for winter.

"You have managed to turned me from a (wo)man of substance, into a brick flying, crying too damn much, crying and crying, way down low, low, with flats on, from the opposite side of the bar, easy off loading on top of your car... chick..."

"Insomnia" - Jill Scott

i don't want anybody else. the idea of anybody else touching me that way makes me sick, nauseous. there's so much i wanted to do and share with him that i'll never get a chance to. i'm going to have to cancel six flags, and my dinner party. it all feels empty without him there with me.

i am not in a relationship.

2007-10-09T05:02:00.001-04:00

i am not in a relationship.

i feel like i need to say it at least 5 billion times a day. To remind myself so that there's no chance of me forgetting, and ultimately set myself up for disappointment. but it's a little too late for that i suppose. i'm disappointed. i feel insignificant, where this guy is concerned. unimportant. like some kind of secret to be hidden away. it doesn't feel good, not to be acknowledged, grayed out by someone who professed to loving you.

i am not in a relationship.

I can't do this anymore. I'm not happy with the way things are, and I haven't been for a few weeks now; not since he told me that he only tells people that he's "in a situation." how can he do that after telling me that he wanted me to call him my boyfriend?

too many mixed messages, signals. whatever.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT I WOULD TELL HIM IF I WERE STRONG ENOUGH TO RISK LOSING AND ALIENATING HIM:

I need more than what you're willing to give. I need someone who cares enough to remember the little things, and not so little things. I want to be in a relationship with someone that loves and cares for me as much as I do them. For crying out loud it's only been three months! It's supposed to at least be the "honeymoon" phase for at least SIX, but you're not doing anything to make this long-distance situation any easier. There's no indication that I mean anything to you beyond someone to occasionally warm your bed at night. I feel like i'm pulling teeth sometimes when we're together and I have to tell you to do things that someone more considerate would have already done. You didn't make it a point to remember to watch a particular movie with me, you left me locked out of my apartment while you were inside sleeping, you're ALWAYS late picking me up from the bus station, you forget what questions you've already asked me, you see your main contribution to this "situation" as "knocking it out of the park" and the sex itself doesn't mean anything to you outside of "feeling good." and for the record, none of these things involve spending a single penny, and only a minimal amount of effort.

Don't you get it?! All I ever wanted was to be with you, and around you. I would have done anything to make you happy, but I don't even get the smallest consideration. You have no idea how much it would mean to me to step off the bus in Maryland and have YOU be the first thing I see, but it's always been an "i'll be right there" only for you to show up a half hour later. It tells someone that you care and think about them more than actual words. Even on your myspace page it says you are "single." I guess they didn't have an "in a situation" category, huh?

Not having you in my life would devastate me for a long time, but I wonder if it's worth it while just settling for the scraps i'm getting. I tried to tell myself that i'm being too demanding, that i'm moving too fast maybe, or that i'd never find any person, relationships and romance notwithstanding, as good, smart, unpretentious, simple, endearing, beautiful, sane, accepting, or even normal, in one package. But I don't feel my heart, soul, whatever it is, being nurtured or fed. The way things are going everything feels stagnant, no matter how many times you say that you have feelings for me.

I don't want it to be over, but I ain't nobody to be telling you what to do. You don't make me feel like i'm anybody significant to you. I don't feel appreciated. I want to have thicker skin, I want to not care so much, so that I can be content with the moments few and far between when I can lay in your arms and kiss you and give of myself. I wish so badly, because I truly love you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

i want him to be my boyfriend, and i want him to want to view me the same way as well, and make me his. i want him to acknowledge that we're more than a "situation."

and if i can't have any of those things i want to stop loving him. i don't want to feel anything for him anymore. that way i can just let go...

__________________________________________________________________________
PRACTICE RUN

this coming weekend Julio will be coming up to New York. I am going to treat it like it's my last time we are ever together. what am i going to do differently this time around?

answer: try to enjoy every minute and every second that i have left. savor the last moments i have left with him... make it memorable...

SATURDAY...

he'll probably come in around 4pm. he claims he'll just sleep on the bus, and try to catch the early one, but his track record shows that he doesn't care enough to inconvenience himself by getting up earlier. The weather promises to be shitty so what can we do, where can we go to spend some time together?

i could take him to Queens. see where i grew up. walk around the neighborhood.

-take him to the thai restaurant near my house.
-go see a movie.
-filipino restaurant?
-sleep together, of course. literally and euphemistically. i need to load up. i'll
no doubt have another year long dry spell after that...
-play video games. i will probably offer to give it away to him. it'd be a good
excuse to get the Playstation 3, anyway. somehow... as if i can afford it.
-go to village underground. what are the odds of putting together a song just for him by then? not very good, but worth a try.
-hopefully nina will be home and he'll get to meet her...

...god i'm depressed.

weblog 10082007

2007-10-09T02:03:00.001-04:00

i need to get out more, i told myself. and that ain't hit home any more than when i actually did, and was promptly reminded that there's a whole world out there that ain't on myspace.
I went out Saturday with my friend Miles, who I know from Myspace. He went with me to my friend Wade's "Welcome Back From Your 3 month Sabbatical in Australia" party. Wade was late though, and I didn't feel like being around people I didn't know, so Miles and I went drinking at the nearby lounge. Regardless it was good to be out, and I resolved to get out more, even for a little while, before I went to work at midnight. It definitely helps keep me from willing the phone to ring, or ding (in the case of a text message), waiting to hear from that special someone who ain't thinkin' about you coz they're out drinkin' they DAMN selves. *sucks teef*
Sunday I had no real plans, but after doing my mass text greeting to a bunch of people on my phone book, decided to go to old college buddy Shannon's get together at the the VIP section of Chelsea Piers' Bowling Alley.
Shannon does not have myspace. No wonder I ain't stayed in touch with him. My friend Andre who I met up with to go to Shannon's shindig also did not have myspace. *sigh* I know this because they both looked at me with such disdain when I asked them if they were on myspace. I just wanted them to see my music page, but apparently in any number of circles it ain't caught on like THAT.
This was driven home as I started getting more comfortable. The Long Island Iced Tea helped, as did my initial lucky streak bowling. I started to socialize more and ran into a few old acquaintances. They also did not have myspace. Not James, not Melvin, not Joshua, and lastly not Wayne. I felt like such a loser asking if they had an account, only to get shot down.
Finally, after a bajillion gutterballs, a random partygoer approaches me offering pointers on how to play, which I no doubt needed, but who's to say when next I'd find myself in a dark (bowling) alley? I thanked him, and he seemed to want to get better acquainted. Alas, it was time for me to leave for work, but he seemed like a decent guy that I could network/politic with, but there wasn't enough lead-up to an exchange of numbers. So again, I asked:
Are you on myspace?
NOPE!
Feeling like a tool, I humbly took down his email and phone number and gave him mine. I hope he ain't tryin' to kick it to me. Usually people stop wanting to be friends when they realize that I'm not on the market.

weblog 10072007-1

2007-10-07T06:36:00.000-04:00

it's 6:37AM at work as I start writing this... what did i do last night? well... my day started around 4pm, i guess, when Andre texted me asking if i wanted to chill. i was still groggy, however, having slept poorly for most of the day, and deemed it too early to rise out of bed. Then Martin calls me. I know it's him because "Give It Up Turn It Loose" starts playing on my phone. I dread the phone call, feeling guilty over not making time to hang out with him, CJ, or even Blandon, arguably 3 of my closest friends, not including the rest of them whom I've been ducking. Who am i kidding, I was ducking all of them, for one reason or another, but ultimately because I didn't feel I was feeling stagnant, and halfway embarrassed for my lack of professional growth.

This time I steeled myself and picked up the phone. Naturally, my anxiety was unwarranted, and we slipped back into our usual conversation dynamic. I knew I was going to Wade's "Welcome Back" from Australia party, and so invited him to come along, since he also knew Wade, if only in passing. Originally, I had asked only Miles to accompany me, since he was a new friend and was more inclined to listen to me angst about this guy I'm in a "situation" with. I don't mean to minimalize it, but I daresay I'd be mis-speaking if I presumed to refer to Julio as my boyfriend, howevermuch I may feel for him.

In any case, I can only imagine my other friends are tired of hearing me using them as a sounding board. Mid-conversation with Martin, Miles texts me asking for the meeting time, which I answer after I get of the phone. I tell him to meet me at 7pm in Chelsea, where the get-together is. By that time it's 4:30 and still I am laying around in bed, hoping to hear from the object of my affections, but not wanting to be the bother that I was suspecting I was being.

Finally, I drag myself to the bathroom for a shower and grooming, having settled on a black v neck t-shirt and jeans. The whole time there's a disquiet in my heart, but still I fight the urge to pick up the phone, whether it's to text or call Julio.

I'm going to try something. From now on, and at least for the next week, whenever I have the urge to call him, text him, or WHAT-ever, just to spout sentimentalities, I will instead put it down in this blog, documenting and describing the very feelings that overtake me. I don't want it to be one-sided anymore. At least, I don't want him to know how I feel when I'm feeling it when I haven't gotten any indication that he loves or misses me back. I can't make myself pull back and become TRULY distant. I don't want to get in the habit of becoming disconnected, for fear that the practice of it will make it a reality. I love him. I don't want to stop loving him, even if it hurts me. Therefore I will only speak it out into the universe, via this blog. As much as I want him to know, I don't want to drive him away. At least not until and if I have decided to cut my losses.

Anyway where was I? Ah, yes. I met up with Miles at 7pm, and we went and had pizza, chillin', and killing time til 9 when Wade's shindig started. Still time was ticking away too slowly and we decided to go chill at g lounge. Despite myself we had Stoli Raspberry and Red Bulls, and I actually enjoyed my buzz, as well as my conversation with Miles.

Admittedly I couldn't stop talking about Julio, concluding that despite whatever grievances I had, I am so in love with the boy. I don't know what to do. I'm going to start occupying my time a lil bit more... just... need to keep myself from wondering if he's thinking about me. I don't want to fish for it. Everything I do for him I do because I want to; because I want to make him happy, and that makes me happy. I wish he thought of me in the same way but he seems to mistake romance for corniness. Miles joked that I should get him a "Romance for Dummies" book. I chuckled, but for some reason I couldn't get the idea out of my head. Would it work? It was so ridiculous that I thought it just might, but only if he was willing to try. Was he willing to try? I fear not, but I must try to trust him more and give him the opportunity to answer.

I left for work around 12:30AM, since Chris agreed to stay an hour later in exchange for a favor I did for him earlier in the week, and was still a little bit lightheaded from having had a total of four drinks, although I was otherwise none the worse for wear. No blackouts, no black mood. It felt validating, to say the least. Doesn't mean I'm going to drink more often, but that I should only drink when I'm in a good mood, not to drown my sorrows.

part fiction, part real.

2007-10-04T07:47:00.000-04:00

PART ONE: Sweet Kentucky Ham

Rosemary Clooney covered a song written by David Frishberg on her album "Girl Singer" called "Sweet Kentucky Ham."

Personally, I hate ham. I can tolerate the real stuff i suppose, but just the same, gimme some roast beef. Pastrami even. Still, the first time I heard this song, it really touched me. While the message was simple enough, it was articulated so well that i could really feel her on the song: certainly i have felt that kind of longing for something, and yes, some-ONE, not in my reach.

please take a moment to download it and listen before going back to the rest of this blog...

PART TWO: Cooler Than the Other Side of the Pillow

i grew up looking up to my older sister, Dolores. she was two years older than me, and i would follow her around everywhere, even when she would try to shoo me away so she could hang out with her cool friends. even when we fought and did shady shit to each other i still thought she was the cooler than the other side of the pillow. even as we grew apart i still admired and respected her.

well, 90% of the time i did. there was one thing that i wholeheartedly disagreed with and wanted so badly to distance myself from, tho, that she did, and it pertained to her romantic life. when it came to her boyfriend/s, Dolores was a real bitch. at least, from where i was standing she was. i would hear her on the phone, not knowing the whole story maybe, but enough to know that she was chewing out the person on the other end, pointing out all the things that they were doing wrong in the relationship.

and the ghost of a memory would come back. echoes of my mom's shrill alto berating my father (who i have finally come to realize deserved it, but that's another story) for his shortcomings. so maybe it does go further back, but nothing hits home like repetition.

i dreaded ever being like that. i still do. and it was hard not to see growing up. i was the only boy in the household most of the time. i lived in a studio apartment with my mom and two sisters. there was very little privacy. sometimes not even the bathroom was private. and so i resolved at a young age never to be that way with the one i'm with. i didn't want to complain, bitch, or berate. i knew i didn't like it when other people tried to change me, so i was loathe to do it to anybody else.

so where does that leave me when I'M unhappy with the one i'm with? especially when i am still disgustingly in love with him? and yes, for all the right reasons. i even love the things that frustrate me about him.

PART THREE: Strike Three..?

sunday night, we lay in bed together, after having sex. you ain't came. again. and i felt guilty. like, maybe i wasn't doing the right things to please you, or maybe not doing it enough. i thought maybe i could get inside your head about what you think about during sex, speculating on what aspects of it came into play for you leading up to.... just before... and during... that moment when you would achieve orgasm. i wanted to know because i wanted to figure out if there was anything i could do to help facilitate it... in short: please you. still i was frontin', tryin' to play it cool and maybe a little too casually asked you what it was about sex that got you off... if it was the intimacy, the closeness, being with somebody that you have feelings for... or was it the power? the interplay and dynamic between two physical beings--

"it's just SEX!"

you cut me off...

"it ain't about power or intimacy. i ain't about no head games," you said. "I enjoy the sensation... it's JUST SEX!" you repeated emphatically, then brusquely got up to shower.

emphatically. brusquely.

the SENSATION? the FEELING of it? JUST the sex? anybody with any cognitive ability would have come to the same conclusion: if it was JUST sex, then it could have been with just ANY body. i may as well have not been in the room. i was stunned. i couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. it really hurt. but i lied about it because i didn't want confirmation. i still wanted to believe that it meant something. that it still did.

mutely i lay in the dark, staring at some fixed point just outside the window, trying to breathe quietly, calmly, doin' everything to suppress the shuddering sighs that herald tears slowly welling up, over and down... i front like i'm just droolin on the pillow, as usual. *shakes head*

i should have gone home the next morning, but Miscommunication reared her ugly head again, and just because i wanted to , i let myself become a latchkey kid for the day, so i could spend one more night with you. all the while conflicted. angsting all day monday till we met up. i was trying to distance myself. trying not to care so much. i couldn't make eye contact, coz i knew i'd give it all away. i wished i was colder. wished i didn't care. i had all this time on my hands while you were at work, still stinging from last nights dismissal coupled with all the other things you said before, but in the same vein. that it wasn't anything, but at the same time that it was. but how can it be both? how do you manage to be so affectionate and inconsiderate at the same time? how can you hold my hand in public, but callously call whatever it is that we have "a situation" should friends inquire?

i couldn't tell you if it was my heart that was hurting, because it felt lower... in my gut, but off to the side... occasionally spreading to the nerve endings in alternating waves of tingly discomfort and emptiness... i just wanted to numb it a little bit... so i swung by the liquor store on the way to meeting you... i don't remember what happened after you started watching the Heroes episodes upstairs. courtesy of my signature Blackouts. but if my state of mind up to that point was any indication, not to mention your behavior the next day, it couldn't have been any good.

it would be a conceit to say that i would do anything for you, because surely taking a bullet for you, walking through fire, working 3 jobs to get you that hypothetical-maybe-metaphorical "ring," all those things are so much easier than just BEING A BETTER PERSON.

changing my way of thinking so that maybe i stop taking the YARD after the INCH.

thinking that maybe all my stupid human tricks will charm you into becoming more for me than you are willing to be.

why can't i take you for YOU? but no, i do, i really do. it's why i'd rather beat MYSELF up. short-change myself and saying that i'm the one that's not good enough. better than thinking that YOU aren't good enough for me, because then there'd be nothing i could do about it to make it better. it would mean acknowledging that i can't control something, and leave it in your hands to fix if you want to. i dread that you don't want to.

i can't decide if i would be stronger for leaving or staying.

EPILOGUE:

Dolores is married now, with a daughter i adore, with and by the same man she bullied and badgered all those years ago. and he seems happy too.

so maybe i SHOULD be more demanding..?

weblog 09102007

2007-09-10T02:40:00.000-04:00

i ain't mad at the weekend...

friday came and went. i had work at midnight, and julio was on his way up via chinatown bus. i had arranged for ramon to "babysit" him for me and otherwise keep him occupied for at least a coupla hours so he wouldn't get too antsy at my job. he came back to the hotel only a LITTLE bit tipsy, having managed to evade ramon's questions regarding our status quo. the rest of the night while i finished up my shift he dutifully chilled in one of the back offices and watched smallville episodes on his iPhone. i ordered breakfast for us: french toast and a bunch of other stuff.

saturday morning we trudged back to my place in washington heights and got ready to pass out. first tho, we hit the shower, then hit the bed, then hit the skins, and THEN we passed out. i had the nerve to try to capture the foreplay on my camera but finally guilt won over, i 'fessed up, and ended up having to delete the whole kit and kaboodle. ah well. no biggie. *grin*

when we woke up i made some turkey chili dogs and nachos, and we played Mortal Kombat Armageddon all day and night into the next day...

sunday morning we laid up in the bed some more, then went to get ready and met up with ramon for brunch at the pink tea cup, where i gorged on a beautifully season pork chop, with some apple fritters, as well as a side of mac and cheese and ramon spared me acoupla pieces of his bacon...lol... i was literally high on the hog in that moment. julio wanted pinkberry so i made some room for that too.

afterwards i dropped julio off at the bus station then went home to expel all the crap i devoured over the day, then napped til it was time for work. at work i bullshitted and the netflix feature was Quineanera, which only further validated my anger towards white people, and more specifically, to exploitative, elitist, asshole gay white men. i hope they all die.

weblog 09062007-2

2007-09-06T05:43:00.000-04:00

2 more nights until JL gets here. i'm bored at work, and to keep from going crazy i like to conjure up scenarios of how things will be for the NEXT time we get together, mapping out tentative itineraries and booking temporary occasions... so in that spirit i am trying to maximize the time that we have together...

in all likelihood his bus gets in around midnight. unfortunately, as usual, i will have work at midnight so i doubt that i'll be able to meet him at the station, much less arrange dinner, but perhaps i can rock out my gift certificate with Bice and get us something that we can have when he gets here. he seems happy to come to my job and wait out the 8 hours of my shift with me, something that i would be ecstatic over, myself, but worry that he may be bored, or at least too tired...

to preempt that, i'm thinking have some popcorn ready, and some dvds from netflix handy. unfortunately i hadn't been keeping an eye on my Queue and one of the dvds on its way is the Clark Sisters: Live In Concert. Somehow I very much doubt that he'd find that entertaining enough to keep him up in the dead of night. Certainly i'd feel wrong fondling him through his jeans as gospel music filters through the lobby. *sigh*

he's also an avid movie goer, so i am pretty sure he will have already seen the other movie on its way: Ghost Rider. I know, i'm lame, but they can't all be deep cerebral flicks, and i had been meaning to check out the movie adaptation of yet another one of my comic books.

in an attempt to redeem myself, and because it was already in my queue, just not at the top of the list, i bumped up Quinceniera, and some sci-fi fantasy made-for-tv mini-series.

if he manages to last through the night i hope to steal as many kisses and hugs and cuddles as possible, capping it off around 7:30AM or so, at which point i'll send him upstairs to the breakfast room to wait for me.

Plan B, of course, is just to give the poor boy the damn keys and tell him to wait for me at home.

We'll sleep when i get in, of course, among other things, and pretty much laze about in my room playing video games, in the middle of which i will start a small simple dinner of coconut gingered chicken with broccoli, followed by some roasted peaches in a wine sauce with some vanilla ice cream on the side. i'm seriously thinking of cheating and picking up some fried chicken somewhere and making a honey-garlic glaze to put over it.

then again, i DO have a gift certificate for this other restaurant called Zoe that i could use, but that would entail leaving the confines of my apartment, and take away from a lot of face-sucking time. and i've been goin' through withdrawal, dammit.

i'll be off saturday night and so it'll be more of the same, so i don't know if we'll manage to make it out of the apartment sunday for brunch with whomever.. coz i'd really like to get laid as often as possible before he hops back on the bus to MD. *sigh* but damn i'm frustrated.

weblog 09062007

2007-09-06T00:38:00.000-04:00

woke up at about 8am coz my bladder needed emptying. the damn bafroom was occupied tho, so i pissed in the kitchen sink. after waffling for a bit, i finally decided to do my laundry before going to Queens and playing with Nina. somewhere in between, i managed to fit in some late breakfast at the coffee shop down the block with my newfound neighbor Tito.

on the way to my mom's house, i stopped by the fish market to pick up some grub for everybody. took Nina to the park, and watched the Top Chef marathon. god, i love that show.

around the early evening i get a text message from JL saying that he's on his way to UPS to pick up the package i sent him. I had preordered Ledisi's latest album and had it shipped to him, but he had flown out to Chicago. i miss his phone call, and check the message he left. it's a long ass message wherein he is gushing his gratitude... meantime, i'm listening for the one thing he never says. and i'm instantly crushed. feeling stupid. questioning why i even bother. he couldn't possibly REALLY love me, could he? why is it so hard to say? i've never HEARD it... only seen it in text... don't know why i thought this would be any different.

so before my shift i try and catch some rest, but end up tossing and turning, conjuring up scenarios of what to say or not to say, fishing and trying not to be passive aggressive all because i dread the answer. finally, i text him, "why do you love me?"

"because it feels good being emotionally attached to you... and you are worthy of that from me. i love who you are and what you do."

and just like that, i feel better. *sigh*

i'm so easy.

weblog 09042007

2007-09-04T16:40:00.000-04:00

i spent a good chunk of last night lazing about on my air mattress and marinating in my dirty laundry, feeling a bit lackluster, and insecure about what i was doing with myself. my extended game of twenty questions with Julio had me feeling a bit cynical about the future of our relationship, having forgotten that i don't have control over everything, if anything at all, saving my own actions and responses.

so i need to control 'em, awready. take the bloody bull by the horns and MAKE it work.

let's see... what else did i do today...

ooh, i went to the gym for the first time in WEEKS, but not before collecting all my laundry and sorting it. i also got a roll of quarters so i can actually do the damn thing, but never quite got around to actually DOING it. still, it's amazing what a little picking up can do, and for good measure I Swiffer'd the floor, and took out the garbage. that done, the next thing i need to tackle is burning some CDs for my demo... but before that, at the very least making an attempt to re-record the songs that i have (and have had the opportunity to rehearse and perform in public). i just wish i were better at mixing down everything... *sigh*

now i am work. still playing twenty questions. and running outta questions...

weblog 08312007

2007-08-31T09:03:00.000-04:00

today i must remember to cancel my NYSC gym membership. maybe i'll go to the gym for the last time (not really, since i still have gym passes that i can take from my job) but just the same, i will be checking out the local gym and seeing about working out there.

i was denied a schedule request for the weekend of September 15th. i'm really burned because too many experience people have quit and they ain't tryin' to cut anybody else any slack. and i want so badly to make things work with this guy i'm dating.

this is the first time in a while that there has been genuine mutual chemistry, and i don't want to be the reason why it doesn't work out. how can i make a long-distance relationship, my job, and my music aspirations not conflict? can i cultivate all three AND enjoy a social life? it doesn't really seem that way at the moment. but i want it so bad that i need some kind of action plan to make it come together.

the most direct answer is to find another job with more NORMAL hours, so that we can at least have mutual time together. what's the point in bussing it down/up only to wait for the person you're seeing to be off from work? not to mention i work overnights, period.

but is it worth it to go through all the trouble? while i hate the hours i can suffer through them while i'm still "single," as it were... what if i go through all the trouble of finding something else in the way of work, only for him to decide that he doesn't want to be with me after all?

weblog 072507

2007-07-25T12:59:00.000-04:00

i can't drink anymore. they conflict with the anit-depressants that my doctor prescribed me on monday. yeah i'm depressed, and what? i just don't see a lot of hope for anything.

friends are acting stupid too. not behaving like friends at all. inconsiderate. if you can't make time be up front about it. if you're running late let me know! if you're busy flirting with some stupid boy while i'm waiting for you at the designated meeting spot then don't say "i'll be right there." that's bullshit, and i have nothing but contempt for you. my time is short, keep up or get left behind.

it took all i had not to punch Erskine in his fuckin' mouth last night. i specifically asked him to record my performance for me because i needed it for my music page. so the fuck if it happens to not be the song you want to hear? it ain't fucking about you you stupid hick piece of shit! if you were going to be that flighty about it then maybe you shouldn't have agreed to do it. i would have immediately found somebody else. this is pretty much the icing on the cake, and the boy is officially cut off from my circle.

just like that wannabe knowitall stephen. how the fuck dare you come out your face and start feelin' yourself? it was kinda like in the scene from Clueless when Brittany Murphy's character really swore her shit was startin' smell like roses. but like outkast says, roses really do smell like shit!

on June 30th, NYC gay pride the plan was to hang out with Ramon. it was basically supposed to be the two of us and we were gonna wyle out all over pride. we did NOT want a big crowd rollin around with us because we wanted to make sure we were free agents more or less, with the exception of having each other's back, as needed. Erskine bugged me for the umpteenth time about doin stuff together and my guilt complex kicked in so i let him tag along as well. Ramon prudently invited Wilda along so there'd be somewhat of an equalizer, and that was basically it. there were others that would call or see what either of us (me and Ramon) were up to but we stayed true to the plan.

then Stephen just kept buggin' me about meeting, but was also feelin' himself at the same time coz he wanted to hang out. it would have been fine, but he also brought two more losers with him, thereby making the group that much bigger. STOOPID! i had no time for hangers on, certainly ones that were for all intents and purposes wallflowers tryna rock our shine like it was any of that to begin with.

it was all well and good until we decided to take a break and head back to Ramon's place and chill. he was gracious enough to suffer the presence of Stephen (coz he was my friend) but also permitted the two other friends to come as well. WHY did Stephen push the envelope and call some additional trick over to come through as well, who WASN'T even hanging out with us throughout the day, back to Ramon's place, someone he hardly knew, but PRESUMED to call a friend? no, and Ramon doesn't call you friend, you were MY friend and represented yourself very poorly which was embarrassing to me. that's not how it works you stupid FETUS! aargh.

at the apartment the dumb fuck THEN proceeds to try to sneak said trick into the bathroom so he can get bent over the muthafuckin' sink like it was goin' out of style. i banged on the door demanding that they get the fuck out, this ain't your house and you are being disrespectful to the host. this ain't no goddamn sex party asshole! you're disrespecting my friend's home. and he retorts with "well he's my friend too" which is really presumptious on his part. when the fuck do y'all hang out? have real conversation? last i check y'alls LAST exchange was at a dinner party i had last year, where you were so drunk you were making out with multiple people including Ramon. Ramon took it for what it was, some mess gettin' hot in the pants, but that's it. the cash is on the dresser, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. so NO, boo, you ain't muthafuckin' friends. that's my BROTHER, and i know him better than you ever will.

these are the same kids who swear they're so fucking mature for their age but just trip and show their asses, most times by virtue of simply stating as much.

here's a clue for you. most people who have to SAY they're really mature, probably aren't. if you're loathe to say you're age because you feel that it's not reflective of your personality, then clearly are the kind of person that needs to just walk around with a disclaimer stamped to your god damn forehead.

let it be known. i have a very low threshold. if you ain't with me, you're against me. i have no time for your apathy. or dumb people that just want to be around other people just coz you think they're cute.

fuck!

2007-02-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

i can't shake off this lethargy. i know what i need to do for today but i just have no desire for it, or anything. it HURTS, and i have nobody i can really turn to.

pissed.

2007-02-09T18:45:00.000-05:00

yes, i'm pissed. and hurt. and sad. i knew he wanted to break it off, and lawd knows he tried before, but he just wanted to get over me on his own terms. everything hurts and i hate that i got to keep moving. i don't even have time to get blasted. that's gonna have to wait till monday or tuesday i guess, when i have the night off. fuck it, i'm gonna venture out on my own sunday night.

don't trust my little sister either. and so i'm gonna try to move on up outta here sooner than later. martin might be willing to put me up for a coupla weeks, at least until i find a share up there, or maybe down in BK. i need a change of scene so bad. i just want to start over and not think about how bad everything is.

maybe he is right, and nobody cares. but that shit HURT when i called to see if he was home and he didn't want me to come over, indicating that he already had company. how quickly we change up, no? now i can't risk having ANYthing to do with him. and hate isn't so hard to fall into after all...

boring diary. don't read this pt 2

2007-01-02T02:16:00.000-05:00

this shit's harder than i thought! especially when you're broke down and hella bored and everybody else is asleep! lol. why i got such fucked up hours? well, today wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't been such a fuckin' wino a coupla hours past midnight the night before and had to power through a nasty hangover for the rest of the day into the night. what the hell am i going to do at 2am in the morning? nothing.

not even go on myspace. *smacks forehead*

in other news, i have managed to make a complete and utter mess of my apartment not 3 days after my mom and sister have left. it has gotten so bad that i saw a COCKROACH! i'm horrible. i guess THAT is what i'll do with the rest of my waking hours. i have been in bed pretty much all day, with the exception of that impromptu pasta i made. it was aiight, by the way. i prolly wouldn't enjoyed it so much if i weren't hungover, with dry mouth from the sleeping pills, and otherwise with an empty stomach. strangely all i could think about was pizza hut. go figure. the chicken supreme, at that, with EXTRA cheese. *sigh*

so here's my action plan:

hang up coats
stow laundry
make bed
clear out desk
stow bags
wash dishes
mop floors
do laundry... wednesday. ugh.

exciting stuff, no? well i'll prolly throw in some video game time, even though i'm pretty much sick of the games i currently have. anybody know the name of the gaming version of the netflix site? maybe i'll switch over to that.

boring diary. don't read this. pt1

2007-01-01T15:53:00.000-05:00

3:53PM

i woke up some time after 1pm. after getting off from work at midnight, New Year's Eve I took my ass home and proceeded to do absolutely nothing. i was tired, yes, but i was a tad restless, and some punk kid at work essentially ruined my day and evening. which i then subsequently took out on my boyfriend. i was wrong, and i had no business yelling at him. of course it spiraled out into him concluding that i didn't love him, and that i was a horrible boyfriend. after we hung up i drank the last half of some cheesy arbor mist bottle, a lil 50mL bottle of Johnny Walker Black, 2 bottles of Chardonnay i found in the fridge (i had to push the cork DOWNWARDS because I couldn't find a corkscrew) and 2 ambien pills.

at some point afterwards i decided to take a shower, after which i remember waking up in my NYU sweatshirt and nothing else. ah, yes. another one of my patented, world-famous blackouts. what happened? nothing i hope. i do an inventory of the apartment. there are huge red wine stains all over the kitchen floor. the fish food is knocked onto the floor. other than that, i did no damage to the apartment. what did i get from this? nothing.

i'm glad to have this excuse not to be on myspace. i won't waste a good chunk of time checking and returning messages. maybe the week will be more productive. unless my lethargy is extended into the rest of the week. in which case it wouldn't matter if i were on or not.

i feel pretty crappy though. i don't think much else is going to happen today. i'm lazy and starving, so i'm gonna huff and puff till i can't take it anymore, and then i'll stumble into the kitchen (which i've since wiped down) and try to find something to eat. i think there's some cold chicken that i can turn into a chicken salad. lots of cheese... some tomato sauce. do i have pasta? maybe i'll just make something in a pink sauce... i dunno.... whatever it is, i'll prolly binge on it, feel even more horrible, and go back to sleep. new year's day is definitely a wash.

catalogue

2006-12-31T14:49:00.000-05:00

or so i've heard. glad that caught you're attention tho!

if you cared enough to notice, i didn't make it past day 6 of being without myspace, and logged in sometime around 5:30AM this morning. If i'dve held out for another 19 hours i'dve been in the clear, but today i work a double shift with only the internet to entertain me. and with only 20 bucks in my account till tuesday i couldn't very well go shopping online.

here's a quick update of what happened in the last 7 days:

NYE: went home after work and chased down 2 ambien with 2 bottles of Chardonnay. I subsequently blacked out, but not before taking a shower. i woke up wearin' my NYU sweatshirt and nothing else. Jennifer Beals I am NOT. The rest of the day I spent trying to eliminate any and all toxic waste from my system, alternating between sleep and the bathroom.

tuesday i'm pretty sure i did nothing as well. oh, except played with my goddaughter while my sister tried to get some work done from home.

my goddaughter

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wednesday i had a fire safety director's course that i had to take for work. i woke up and armed myself with some red bull and this thing that was like Mountain Dew on steroids, called Amp. I also made sure that i sat in the front row hoping being under the teacher's direct scrutiny would keep me alert. it worked for the most part. i just get irked when people ask stoopid questions! rgrr...

Thursday i had booked some studio time to re-record "Can't Undo" and "Hustlin" but by the time 6pm hit and i was slated to be there, my energy level just plummeted into the negative and it was all i could do to pull off the simplest riff. After two hours i called it a loss, and re-scheduled for a time when i'd be better prepared, rested, and dammit, when my entourage will be there to come support my insecure ass! Here's all i could salvage from it:

first take

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Friday I basically slept the whole day, thanks to my newly refilled ambien prescription, and zero interruption. I also watched the movie netflix shipped me at work, John Tucker Must Die. I didn't hate it. I didn't love it. Although i can be a real sucker for chick flicks. *shrugs*

And finally. I admit that i lost the bet to Kevin. I couldn't hang beyond day 6. as his prize i am required to sing any song of his choice and post it up on myspace. of COURSE he picks something that i have a great deal of difficulty with, and i HATE criticism on this that i normally would have avoided singing altogether. so i decided to ham it up a bit and have a little fun. but for the record, it is NOT me singing, it is my evil French twin Bruno singing Moody's Mood For Love.

wacky mood with a wig

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if you want to hear me tryin to be a lil more serious, you'll have to check out Kevin's blog HERE. since i did the song at his request in the first place. don't thank ME for the sonic assault to your poor ears, thank HIM!

..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O />

MY RETURN TO VIDEO GAME LOSER STATUS i am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my XBOX 360. i ordered Gears of War from Amazon using standard shipping and it STILL got here before my XBOX...aargh. i got my subscription with Gamefly.com and the first 2 games coming in are "Bully" for my PS2 and "Dreamfall: The Longest Journey" for my XBOX, although i hear tell i can play it on the 360 as well!

So I done bought me a camera and went a little crazy. if you ain't seen the "tasteful" nudie bathtub shot, you ain't missin much. the good stuff was exclusively for the bf. and can i say thank GOD for reciprocity?!

anywho. my job done made me shave finally, and i'm HATIN' on it! so here's a proper sendoff/eulogy to my beard. at least until the damn music thing can pay the bills.

goodbye for now, beard (pt. 1)

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goodbye for now, beard (pt. 2)

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and then i realized. you know, for a singer/songwriter, i should prolly be puttin out a singing sample or something. not because i actually wanted to, but coz it seemed like one of those things you're SUPPOSED to do. so here was my VERY first attempt. and i was RUDELY interrrupted. i promise i will sing for you on my next blog for REAL, but this was way too funny to NOT post:

mortifyingly funny dominic

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BONUS VIDEO!!!!!!
okay i lied. i actually had a first "outtake" to the third video but thought i sounded flat but my boy Kevin liked it so much I decided to give it to my faithful blog readers as a reward for putting up with my crap! woohoo!

okay i lied. here's the FIRST take.

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so. you know how i always be TALKIN a whole lotta mess about goin' to the great big mythical studio in the sky and re-recording my vocals? the last time i STARTED to say it i just cut myself off midway, and told whoever i was talking to, to "hold up a second," at which point i called the recording studio i used to intern at and booked three hours on Monday evening.

i've decided not to overwhelm myself, so my short term goal that i've just said it this: i will have a finished and mastered version of "Are We Even Yet" by the end of the year.

aiding me in this endeavor is my very talented and very good friend Monroe, who will act as secondary producer, because engineers essential don't give a fuck about you but at the same time will front like they know better, unless there's someone there to tell them exactly what to do. artists can't function as producers within the same span of time, at least not without like-minded people. so Monroe knows what i want done and will basically help me from getting derailed.

also there to provide emotional support so far are Mondo, Diegoand CJ, my brothers in spirit, and um, *sigh* even karaoke. (i'm still kinda HOARSE, actually, so i gotta watch that--which reminds me... lemme go get some tea. brb!) but i know they will help me pull my head out my hairy ass whenever i get all insecure and whatnot. some artists can be SOOOO stoopid. anybody else in my lil circle who happens to be in town is also welcome to come blow my head up ... or just point out when i'm flat . i know Kevin will be there in spirit, at least, which is not a small thing at all. Lydia groggily agreed to roll through, but she hurriedly clicked off the phone and no doubt went back to sleep, so who knows if she'll remember?

my main focus will be on the verses and the bridge, both of which could really use an overhaul. i will only be RECORDING the vocals there, though, and will take the tracks and mix them from home. i been hatin' on my own production skills too long, and ain't tryin to depend on some retard engineer to presume to know how i'm supposed to sound on my own song.

this blog's artist spotlight is a little accidental discovery i made while on my neverending quest to add all of myspace to my friends list and pimp myself out as much as possible. his name is David Walker and I really love his song "Almost Heaven." Plus you just KNOW that anybody down with Melonie Daniels sings their FACE off! Check out his page, add him as a friend, and listen to his song. Still waitin on him to put up another tho, dammit.

in the real world, as you all know, i have been a over a month into my new job without any incident, and heaven forbid, people actually like me, but i haven't gotten caught up in any drama and, while being friendly, am not trying to make any friends. i know my limits, and in order for me to remember that i'm just here for work, and it's not a dead end but a means to an end, i can't be too invested in the people here, either.

the fancy restaurant down the block, Bice, that we recommend our guests to gave everybody at the front desk a bottle of Moet & Chandon, a Cuisinart food processor, and a $100 gift certificate. that's probably the first real christmas present i've ever gotten in a long time. what does that say about my po' underprivileged ass? (besides that i'm po' and underprivileged, that is.)

on the home front, my goddaughter's been at the apartment a lot, because my mom can't get enough of her, but is killing my sleep patterns. love her to death, but it kinda brings home how frustrated, and even restless i am. it's time for me to move out again, and PERMANENTLY. i guess it's because of that that i've been hedging. partially, guilt is making me stay, and a dash of laziness, but i'm still contributing to the rent. i sense a lotta upheaval coming up for me in the near future, and damned if i ain't a lil bit terrified.

and why the hell ain't you left a comment on my voice messages yet?! (not YOU mondo. LMAO.) don't you know you'd be contributing greatly to helping make people think i'm "somebody" and thereby cause them to loiter just a LITTLE bit longer on my page, and maybe even listen to a song or two? don't you care about me?! sheesh. fine. i promise to reciprocate, and even SING a personalized message on your page. now go. make that call. it ain't like i'm asking you to donate money. (hmm........................ NAH! y'all are too cheap anyway. still love you tho!)

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recent random things:

i had the weirdest dream tho. kevin and i went to the supermarket to get some drinks, including one of them HUGE water containers with their own spout (i remember really random things!) and i ran into Shannon Elizabeth. except she was like, 7 feet tall, and struggling to separate the plastic bags from each other so she could put some veggies in one or something. but when i offered to help, she got all stank with me, so i took the whole roll of plastic bags and smacked her over the head with it. i then ran coz she was a BIG girl and woulda easily kicked my ass. i ended up ambushing her in the produce aisle and knocking her out with a coconut! somehow it turned out she and Lydia's friend RAMON of all people were BFFs and when HE showed up wondering what the hell happened to his girl i fronted like i had no clue. just NOW i'm remembering how nina said Lydia kinda look like her. hmm.....

because commercials can sometimes sucker me into buyin' stuff i went out and got Crest: Pro Health. I'm sure it works as advertised. I confess to being disappointed that it doesn't "foam up" as much as my previous toothpastes tho, so i can't pretend to my reflection ("aka Jessica Sanders") that i got rabies.

how excited am i about Avatar the Last Airbender? i used to be an anime snob, but this is some really good stuff! the last episode had me yellin' "oh, snap!" every 10 seconds like it was 1992. download it bootleg or buy it off of iTunes, i want to discuss predictions and speculation dammit!

how bad ass is it that Toph mastered metal, and Katara, well, is just plain ol' bad ass?!?!?

slang term of the week: "a capella"

definition: to have sex without any lubricant. ouch. my coworker came up with that one. we were just having a conversation and i guess in a fit of inspiration asked me if i'd ever tried doin' it "a capella." i died laughing and just HAD to share it. but of course, it's prolly just one of those "had to be there" moments. sigh.

multi-tasking

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yes i've angsted about it for almost two weeks now. and i knew it would all work out, but i also needed the anxiety to galvanize me. i don't really feel like writing this out in detail, so i'll give you a timeline, and random thoughts about it.

sent the evite about 2 months ago, titled "Post Thanksgiving Dinner" with a tentative menu. The actual menu looked like this:

Pumpkin Bisque with Jumbo Shrimp
Salmon egg rolls w/ Avocado-Mint dipping sauce

Bajan Fried Chicken w/ Curried Honey Dipping Sauce
Chile Verde*

Coconut-Gingered Collared Greens
Traditional Baked Macaroni & Cheese****
Traditional Garlic-Smashed Potatoes*

Pumpkin Bread***
Homemade Oatmeal Raisin Cookies**

Asterisks aside, I had to make everything myself. Very stressful considering I was prepping all this for what was supposed to be 30 people and climbing. One week beforehand it threatened to be almost 50, and my anxiety grew exponentially. So I started food prepping on Tuesday (brought all my kitchenware--Martin had NONE-- from Queens to Harlem. Thank you Blandon for providing transportation), then Thursday, and then all day Friday.

Friday came. I hadn't slept for the last two days between work and stressing over the dinner, and I kept on truckin', afraid that if i even allowed myself one hour of rest my body might try to take way more and give me no more time to prep. At 8am I ended my shift and headed up to Fairway Market in Harlem to get the remaining ingredients. I could've been there all day because I was so in awe of the choices. Thank you Joshua for being available by phone to help calm me down and also assuring me of the number of bunches of collared greens to purchase to properly serve 30 plus people.

Blandon, CJ & Martin

Cabbed it to my friend Martin's apartment where I was holding the party and continued food prep. I kept shelling, chopping, puree-ing, stirring, boiling and droning on like a lil worker zom-BEE till the sun went down, at which point Martin had to flick the lights on for me, because i was too apathetic to do anything but trudge on with my task. Thank you Martin for being so supportive and providing a larger venue. At the last minute we also found out his building lent its tenants long tables and chairs for various parties, and we were able to secure some.

Finally by 6pm there were two finished products, which i set up in their respective chafing dishes. I had decided to give up on the third appetizer I was going to make, the fish cakes. Ah, well. And so I kept on. Thank you Dominic for having enough will power to only throw up a LITTLE bit IN your mouth, when you really just wanted to HURL chunks OUT of your mouth every time you'd snap off the various raw chicken parts with your bare hands. Thank you Lydia for showing up on time and helping me focus and cook the remaining dishes, while managing to prep your WON-derful Chile Verde, and bringing Ramon with you so I could formally apologizing to him for being such a drunken mess the last time I saw him, and so he could also provide his exemplary bartending skills once more and more people trickled through the doorway.

Lydia, Ramon, Yami & Wade

Next Doug showed up and gave me my FOURTH much needed hug for the night (I demand warm hugs from ALL of them!), and then offered to help bake the macaroni and cheese. Thank you Doug for rolling up the sleeves of that lovely navy cashmere sweater and getting your hands dirty for me! Funny that my sister was the only one that came up to me and was like, "He looks JUST like that guy from that show you watch!" I just shrugged. She figured it out later.

The ones that didn't bring food weren't empty-handed, though, bringing the arbitrary bottle of liquor. Thank you Diego (and accessory Danny...lol) for setting the night off proper with their bottle, and for being punctual!

Clockwise from left: Diego, Orlando, CJ, Dominic and Brandon

Thank you Brandon for also being early and helping out. I recruited all the first people that walked through the door. I couldn't think of what to make him do though, since he's so darn petite and dressed UP and i didn't want to ruin his outfit! *grin* I passive aggressively offered to lend him a shirt, which prolly woulda hung on him, makin' him lookin like a lil orphan chile.

Thankfully there were last minute cancellations and no shows, but they would have been welcomed regardless, and I would have compensated. It was good to reconnect with everyone, and meet a coupla myspacers for the first time. Stephen, I don't know what kinda underwear that was, but it was off the chain, wi'chyo drunk self! If you coulda put your bum on the food as WELL as the other guests, you prolly would have! ha!

Stephen & Jakgeem

Ramon & Stephen

Wade showed up with two friends, and a basket of oatmeal raisin cookies from scratch. While I was SO looking forward to his red velvet cupcakes (he couldn't find his grandma's recipe) the cookies were the bomb, and made everyone question for a second if he made them because they were TOO perfect! MAJOR kudos!

Tony & Cat

Ugh. I hate to do this without playing Romper Room and friends, so instead I'll just say I'm glad that those that made it, did: CJ, Jakgeem (thank you for that additional pan of mac, btw!), Hussein, Orlando, Yami, Marisol, Catherina, Tony, Ross, Manny, Chris, Ruben, Justin, Charles, Octavius, Kevin, and even the two stick in the muds that Jakgeem brought with him. Thank you everyone for making my sister feel welcomed!

Justin & Dominic

Manny, Ross & Chris

Around midnight (the event started at seven) my body gave up and i crawled into the bed in the guest room. CJ and his date Orlando were there talking, but i was too tired to care, or even eavesdrop. CJ crawled into bed with me and was trying to coax me out of my half-coma, but I wasn't having it. Next up at bat was Justin, who took a bus up from Maryland. Drowsily, I was digging for gold up my nose, half drunk and exhausted, and he playfully swiped at my hand while a finger was up my nose. Naturally my nose started bleeding. I woke up long enough to smear him with the blood and then rinsing off before going back to bed. I hear everybody filed out shortly after.

Today I cleaned up Martin's apartment with his and Justin's assistance, then headed back to Queens. I rolled up the remaining salmon filling before freezing it all up so it wouldn't go to waste and tried sleeping. Tired as I was, I was even hornier, and kept humping the bed, so I got up and joined Justin and Yami in the living room to watch the My Super Sweet 16 marathon and finish rolling up the rest of the salmon eghg rolls(Yami had called shotgun on the remote) but damned if my mouth wasn't hanging open as I was watching the damn thing, and I got the video and pics to prove it! As I got more tired and bored, the rolls got bigger and bigger as i tried using up everything, until finally i turned the rest into sandwiches for us on whole wheat toast with some shredded vermont white. THAT was amazing, and Justin also recording the look of contentment on my face as I ate. That's why I'm so freaking fat. Still got great skin tho! tee hee

impromptu sammich

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Afterwards I treated us all to a pedicure down the block before I headed off solo to pick up Kevin from JFK Int'l Airport. We were both exhausted so we just slept before I had to go to work, which is where I am. I have a double shift so they're putting me up in one of the rooms in between; I sent Kevin up and I'll be joining him shortly. *grin*

And the weekend is just beginning.

I put my iPod on shuffle the other day while I was on the train, and as each song was playing I decided to put down my thoughts about it on the Word editor feature of my fancy schmancy phone.

Ness ft Nore 'Que Dolor'

It's probably the best anglicized reggaeton song i've heard. The dude can actually sing, but ain't tryna be all r&b. His voice is what the original freestyle singers probably sHOULD have sounded like

Ghostface 'Tooken Back'

I LOVE this man's narratives. He can REALLY tell it almost as it happens, and with a very pracical perspective without succumbing to trite played out cliches. Plus his name is GHOSTACE KILLAH. I LOVE that! There's an edge of desparacy to his tone which really lends a poignancy to his songs as well, and you can really believe that he means what he says, even on something as light as this song.

Cassie 'In Love Wit U'

It's breezy light and good pop. It's just one of those songs/albums/artists that u just take for what it is. Fluff, like alcohol, ain't bad in moderation.

Cindy Lauper 'She Bop'

I used to Love her. Well i guess i'd still love her if she came out with something new, but i also know that woman crazy--i mean, eccentric. My fondest memory of her when i was a kid was this REALLY bad movie --whenever we visited our dad on weekends one of the things we did together was rent movies-- which i loved called "Vibes" where she and Jeff Goldblum played psychics. I think dude from Columbo was also on it. Ah, memories... and it don't hurt that the woman sings her ass off. anybody remember when she did Time After Time with Patti?

George Michael 'I Want Your Sex Pt. 3'

This boy ALWAYS gets me with his use of horn/trumpet solos, giving certain tracks that melancholy, solitary feel, and adding more dimension to the story that the lyrics alone wouldn't suggest. I think I Want Your Sex actually had four parts in the 'Faith' album, and this was a midtempo version that was the white boy version of 'the after party and the hotel lobby'

Tantro metro n devonte 'Everyone Falls in Love'

Ah yes, when I actually was a lil hater and couldn't get into dancehall. Highschool. The lyrics, beat and melody still managed to creep into my head tho. Ethnic pop if u will.

Francisco Cespedes, Todo es un misterio

I have no idea what the hell he's saying. My friend Tomas turned me onto him once upon a time and actually I love th fact that I don't know everything he's saying, causing me to focus on the music itself. Although I do know how to translate text, my brain can't process foreign languages beyond a turtle's pace. But the race, they say, belongs not to the swift--! (did anybody buy that?) I remember singing "Vida Loca" (not the Ricky Martin song!) while at work as a food runner, and my Colombian co-worker Andre kept laughing. Of all the spanish songs to know and share, right? "Loca loca como yo..." indeed.

Alexander O'Neal, Hearsay

I usually skip over this track, but I love Mr. O'Neal, especially his duets with Cherelle. I have a soft spot for darn near every 80's male R&B singer there is. Then Teddy Riley, and R kelly gone and fucked up 90's R&B. Well, maybe that's not fair, but everybody started jumping the band wagon.

COPY AND PASTE THIS CODE TO PUT MY BANNER ON YOUR PAGE:

Next I want y'all to check out the blog my girl Nina wrote regarding the whole Clay Aiken vs Kelly vs Rosie thing that happened in the past week. I Final verdict? Winner: Kelly Ripa. Daddy loves you, girl!

If you don't read it, here's a quote regarding a semi-related issue that's ALWAYS relevant:

 "Which brings me to Michael Richards. I've received so many emails asking if I'd heard and if I were going to blog about it. Here's my two cents. Fuck him. Period. Am I surprised at his actions? No. Why? Because I don't know that man from a can of paint. I know Kramer. I like Kramer. Michael Richards? I could give a fuck about.

This incident has sparked several debates, once again, about the use of the word. Here's two more cents - white people, don't say it around black people unless you're ready for reprecussions. Period. Don't worry about whether or not we say it, how we say it, how we spell it, when we say it, etc. Just don't do it. This isn't about black people coming together as one and denouncing the word. One, that shit ain't gonna happen and two, it shouldn't matter how we feel about it. You shouldn't get the inclination to address a black person that way because, hopefully, you were raised better."

And for the white people that really, really, care, and they really, really, really want to know why we can say it and they can't, I ask them, "Why do you want to say it so bad?" If you're so inclined, say it all you want. Print it on t-shirts, shout it from the rooftops, use it up, and see where that gets ya. But for the love of God, stop making it our responsibility as to whether or not it's acceptable. Don't worry about the rappers using it. They're fools getting paid big money to rhyme whatever the hell they want. If they want to drop n-bombs every other line, don't listen to it."

welcome back, diary!

2006-12-31T03:50:00.000-05:00

so this is going to potentially be either REALLY boring or REALLY interesting. why? because it's really gonna just start being a play by play of my daily comings and goings, and whatever thought process i'm going through, so in all likelihood it won't always be funny. i will also start the next 7 blogs by documenting the 7 days i'm going to have WITHOUT logging on to myspace. i had a bet with Kevin that i could do it. so he has to go without myspace as well, starting on January 1st at 12AM. wish me luck!

i took this at work just now (which is where i am since midnight) until 8am. i just took a red bull and i'm bouncing off the walls. okay i'm just shaking my right leg frantically. whatever. i am well rested, having caught up on my poor sleep patterns all day yesterday, so i am all gung-ho about going to the gym RIGHT after work. it IS sunday, on New Year's Eve, but i'm hoping the gym in Chelsea is open. i mean, it's GOTTA be, right? demographically speaking, they'd be stupid not to be open EVERY day. anyway. i will up this blog as needed, or move on, as the day changes. i'll EVEN let you know the dumbest lil things like what time i brushed my teeth, which kiehl's shaving product is more effective, and how many hours i've clocked in for the latest video game i'm fixated on! it is now 6:20AM. maybe i'll check in around 5pm, which is when i start my second shift. sundays i essentially work from midnight to midnight: 12-8am, stay at the hotel and sleep for 8 hours, then come back in from 4pm-12am. EVERY sunday. hopefully i'll have enough energy afterwards to find something free to do to bring in the new year. besides be on myspace.

i stayed my ass home.

2006-07-21T23:05:00.000-04:00

I took this picture a few days ago. July 19th, 2006, around 4PM to be exact. There's a power outage in my neighborhood in Woodside, NY, and for the two days that I had no power I have been practically forced out of my house because I can't sleep without air conditioning.

So I eventually got up, hit the shower, then milled about the apartment with the towel up around my armpits, at which point on a whim snapped a candid photo of myself. You don't see the towel, which i have been in the habit of wrapping around my chesticles whenever i'm right out of the shower, in a preemptive attempt to soak up any potential sweat that may result from the heat. I hate sweating when i've only JUST showered.

Whaddaya know?! The picture came out pretty well, and I was pleased enough with it that I decided to post it on my myspace profile. Why the fuck am I talking about this? Because I'm trying to look at my near-obsession with online life, despite the many opportunities that present themselves for me to go out and interact with "real" people in the "real" world.

It's Friday night. I had plans to go out which I pretty much let slide, because I didn't trust my motivations for going out. Lately I have been experiencing what I can only liken to a woman who claims that her biological clock is ticking. What's the equivalent for men? I feel empty, but didn't want to fill it with anything meaningless. I don't want to LOOK for anything either, as I suspect that even if I were to run into "The One" I'd only fuck it up in my zeal to find him in the first place, so caught up in looking for telltale signs, or grilling the hapless victim with loaded questions.

I wanted to go out, but wanted it made easy for me; given door to door service. As it were I'd have to venture out and go a-foraging under my own steam. I feel empty. Sad? I don't think so. Discontent, certainly. I don't want to work at "it" anymore. The whole process of meeting somebody new, and getting to know them, and learning to appreciate whatever it is that they have to offer. Knowing this, going out JUST to meet somebody would prove unfruitful, and I'd only have myself to blame.

I'm lonely, dammit, but I can't bear the idea of settling for just anyone, or even having to look for some kind of resonance with another. I need for it to happen naturally and darn near immediately, otherwise I don't see myself finding any reason to cultivate it further.

The only thing that I did, braving the elements and whatnot, was to switch my gym membership back to NYSC, primarily because there's one on every freakin' corner, and I need it to be just that accessible. I cancelled dinner with Andy because I overwhelmed myself with my string of plans. The original plan was to: 1) switch gym memberships 2) dinner with Andy 3) go to Joe's Pub and see Lisa Shaw 4) go to a club with some friends.

Just the idea of doing all those things with no downtime in between tired me out. I had already gone to a concert and dinner the night before with some other friends, and, I was starting to feel like a crotchety old man.

This was compounded by my reward/punishment philosophy, which kicked in when I wasn't able to squeeze any gym time in for the day, and therefore didn't feel I merited all that leisure activity. And true to form I went back home and stayed there, hitting refresh on my myspace page every 5 minutes. Oy.

What's worse is when someone I'm very attracted to tells me I'm handsome or peppers me with any other kind of compliment, I feel like maybe they don't see everything; that eventually, they'll "come to their senses". I have this overwhelming desire to display myself in every damn angle imaginable, if only to find that ONE that will be the dealbreaker for them, and why? DON'T I want to be found desireable? Absolutely. I delude myself into making it conditional upon the other party finding ALL of me desireable, however, and at "every angle" if you will. Desireable, loveable, whatever.

Dude comes up to me and says I'm hot. "Sucker," I think to myself. Why do I hold MYSELF accountable for what other people choose to see, over what they don't? Probably because I ALSO know that not everyone is nearly as honest about themselves; certainly not in that regard, using their "pluses" to overshadow their "minuses."

At what point did I stop believing in the final equation? That the sum of me is greater than the plus and minuses? The very advice I dole out I'm hard-pressed to believe in, and not because I don't believe in it, but because my self-esteem won't allow me to believe that it applies to me. Annoying that I can have such a small AND huge ego at the same time.

Oh. I DID do ONE small productive thing. I made a new t-shirt. It's the "acrobat" from dungeons and dragons.

i shared a chuckle with myself...

2006-07-17T09:27:00.000-04:00

... on the way home from Javier's house yesterday afternoon. Silly Dominic, so you finally got laid, and then some. Suffice to say I also got a lotta bit of closure in the bargain, as well.

For the past 3 or 4 months, off and on, I would call my ex, Javier, (we were together for the bulk of 2004) to see if i could bogart some cuddle time, just coz, given our history, i knew there was nothing else that i wanted from him, but felt that i could trust him enough with my occasional moments of vulnerability. Some of them, anyway, and basically I need to recharge my batteries in that way. It never does amount to JUST cuddling of course, and would be some intense, hateful, passionate, no-strings sex interspersed amongst the quietude. This last time was no different, but at the same time, because of how it was set up, it was a milestone moment for me, and at the very least, for our (non)relationship.

I chuckle to myself, chide myself at the same time. Roll my eyes in half-recrimination. "Oh, Dominic," I say as I wait for the 99S bus taking me back to New York. Yes, my restlessness took me over the river to Jersey where he lived, but that's not where it started. It started at around 6AM as I was nearing the final leg of my shift at the hotel. Impulsively I called him, and he decided to pick up, loud on the speaker. "I can't hear you because it's really loud here, but I'm at the Green Room, and I will probably be here till about seven. So if you want to meet up try to get here by then."

I don't bother responding. Instead I hang up and turn to my coworker Ricardo and calmly ask him to swipe my time card out at the appropriate time for me. Him owing me, of course, really had no choice but to agree. Quickly and efficiently I gathered my things, changed, and went out to flag a cab down to take me to Tribeca. SO not thinking.

The Green Room is an after hours spot on Spring Street between Varick and Hudson. They cater to no demographic in particular, save the restless. Every other motive is up in the air, on the ground, and easily interchangeable with the next, because the bottom line is no one really gives a fuck. Javier greeted me warmly enough, and we chilled there for a bit. He was drunk, but boasted freedom from any other uncontrolled substances, almost puffing up his chest even more, if that was even possible, and grinning proudly like a kid that ate all their vegetables. He pulled me towards him as he leaned against the wall and professed his undying lust for me. Smirking, I played along, suffering his hand on my white 3/4 length pant-flip-flop-wearin-after-work-ass. Why begrudge him his agenda when I had my own?

Further cementing my hell-bent status, I coyly followed him to the basement where the bathrooms were, and shockingly, into a stall! He picked one where the light bulb was blown out, because, while the stalls where private and had individual doors, the doors themselves were frostedly translucent. Was that ME, doin that, staring at my reflection, fogging it up with my heavy breathing, trying to maintain my balance and trying to negotiate such a closed space? Yes, yes it was. Fifteen minutes later I casually pulled my pride back on, as well as my Calvins, and we walked out of the stall, wiping our noses and pretending we were just snorting coke. Yeah. JUST snorting coke. I guess drug abuse is the lesser of two evils.

We stay for a while longer at the club, then head back to his place, and continued our mini-marathon till about 11AM, and about 6 climaxes each later, at which point we collapse from exhaustion, both having worked overnight at our respective jobs even before all this craziness went down.

As memorable as the experience was, I had come to the conclusion that I will not be dealing with Javier ever again. And not just him. Just anybody that just doesn't CUT it. I compromised too much, these last three years, and everything came to a head with the last one, forcing me to resolve or implode. I don't even have any hate or anger for any of them right now. Shit, I definitely ain't got love for 'em either. I wish nothing for them, good or ill. And the same goes for any future guys that I may find attractive but JUST AREN'T FOR ME. I just don't feel like playing along and trying to coax out whatever good or compatible or resonant THING i hope might be there, all just for the sake of a cute face.

Give me about 24 hours to contradict myself. But one thing i'm gonna hold myself to, is just letting go of these here...

goodbye Javier.
goodbye Michael.
goodbye Tim.
goodbye Coby.
goodbye adam4adam.
goodbye manhunt
goodbye men4now
goodbye compromise.

i am not a DJ, but i play one on TV

2006-07-12T10:16:00.000-04:00

but i tend to spend my Fridays at my boy CJ's bar, and the DJ is WAAAACK... even if the song selections are good i cringe everytime the next song cuts in. Everything's so disjointed, especially when it comes to hip hop, r&b and pop music. Is house REALLY that simple? i should hope not, because yes it's just a 4-4 beat, but then ANYBODY could be a house DJ, which is obviously not the case. Anywho, i decided to give the manager a recent demo/mixtape so that i can enjoy my drink at the damn lounge. it's pretty simple, and i made most of the tracks no longer than a minute each, since i didn't wanna scare him off with tracks he may not necessarily recognize, but, whatever. enjoy!

or you can just download it it directly HERE

PLAYLIST:

Buttons - PCD
Save Room - John Legend
SexyBack - JT
Promiscuous Girl - NF
Don't Mess With My Man - Lucy Pearl
Kiss - Prince
One Minute Man - Missy Elliot
Dude - Beenie Man
Dip It Low - CM
All Eyez On Me - Latoya Luckett
Deja Vu - Beyonce
All That I Can Say - MJB

where are the fireworks? part 2

2006-07-09T05:00:00.000-04:00

Not five minutes after David left the bar with his friends to head for Krash, I practically dragged Ross out and headed to the train station. The night was nowhere near "young" and I was determined to meet David again. Just because I chose him, and I find the idea of switching tracks and kickin' it to somebody else mid-fixation to be nauseating and tiresome.

How fast did we get there? Well, we "happened" to be in line DIRECTLY behind the unsuspecting vict--um, I mean David outside the club. The look on his face when he turned around was worth the hustle. Something about someone --a very ATTRACTIVE someone-- looking at me like Christmas morning makes me all warm and tingly inside. We embraced. Again. What? I'm needy. It's not like I asked for a freakin' ring, nor do I want one. Let's just say I'm tryin' really hard NOT to be jaded, but I got some callouses over the old ticker I need to buff off and moisturize, and hugs are TOTALLY helpful.

The rest of the night was pretty straightforward. We'd take turns leading each other around. Ross graciously excused himself, and no doubt to see what he can see for himself, but I made sure to check in with him regularly. I HATE when I'm third-wheelin' it, so I try not to do it to other people. I was SO in the mood to dance, but felt weird around David, who was totally unfamiliar with dancing to hip hop and r&b, outside of what is on TV, which even when accurately portrayed, still loses something in translation. He tried to join in, but it seemed almost caricature-ish, though I know he meant no harm by it. Other folks have done far worse, but because I can be so self-conscious I feigned A.D.D. and led him back upstairs to the house music, where the basic 4-4 time signature was familiar enough to him. I'm sure payback will be a bitch if and when he ever leads me onto a dance-floor blastin' salsa and cumbia, or heaven freakin-forfend, Paso Doble or some shit. *shudder*

Around 4 or 5AM the DJs signal closing by playing horrible music, driving out most sane folk, and the stragglers are ushered out by the steroid pumping bouncers. We walk out and David is easily convinced to join Ross and I for breakfast, and subsequently jump in a cab with me to head back to my house and cuddle, on the condition --as imposed by his friend Pablo-- that I will safely bring him to Orchard Beach around noon.

We didn't make it, of course. What the fuck for? I didn't say that, nor did I even need to think it. It was more or less an unspoken agreement between David and I that we'd basically be laid up in the bed, or lounging around my apartment, for the bulk of the day. It didn't hurt that David was feeling REALLY queasy from drinking so much the night before, and it took him the majority of the day to recover, perfectly content to just do nothing, and in my company. Finally, my guilt complex kicked in and we got ourselves together to take him back "home" in the Bronx. The LAST stop on the 1 train. By the time we got there, his friends Pedro and Eddie were in the bed resting from their day at the beach. I didn't feel like loungin' with THEM, nor did I want to go with them to Roxy, of all places, later in the evening, and so after having dinner at the local diner with David, took my ass home.

I COULD have gone out somewhere else, probably Escuelita with CJ, since he invited me, but I didn't want to feel guilty, since I told David I was going home. Yes, I know I don't owe him anything, and should only do what is actually IN me to do, not to mention I TOTALLY would've gotten over it by the time I got to Escuelita's but still I stayed home. Partially to AGAIN putter around in my room, half-heartedly work on any number of unfinished songs, but mostly just to rest up some more. The bed I shared with David was a twin, and so had to do some more catching up on rest. Solo. zzzZZzZZZzzzz....

More of nothing on Sunday, and he actually spent the night with me. He had been drinking beer, and I was starting to feel smothered, so was picking at anything that turned me off. Me being sober was nauseated by the beer breath and didn't want him breathing on me. Him not being stupid could sense that I was behaving differently and "hung back," observing me with some trepidation. I felt bad, and compromised, dragging him with me into the shower and even supplying a toothbrush for him, tossing out any subtleties. He laughed, understanding, and we finally went to sleep.

That was my weekend. Monday was more of the same, but we went to see Superman Returns, and then I got ready to go to work. While at work, apparently there was drama with his host, Pedro, who more or less pissed David off to the point where he took his suitcase with him to my job, and then my apartment to spend the rest of his stay until he flew to Argentina. Pedro finally admitted to feeling offended that David was more inclined to spend time with me, despite all the many activities and outings, the bulk of which involved really tacky or pretentious and predominantly white clubs, that he had planned for him. It is then explained to me that Pedro is really Eddie's friend. Eddie is a neighbor of David's, with whom they share a mutual friend. So even EDDIE is not as good a friend, although Eddie was more understanding, and sympathetic to David's predicament, almost feeling embarrassed by Pedro's tirade.

It all worked out for the best, because I got to spend real time with David, and got to see him on a "normal" day, and on a "normal" date, and being better able to appreciate his personality, outlook, and spirit. Not to mention the countless times he'd look at me over the course of the day, which embarrassingly prompted STRANGERS to look at me, wondering what the big fuss was about. Ain't gon' lie, though. It made me smile. Fuck it, that shit felt GOOD. At this point I had bought into the idea of enjoying it for what it was, aided by the fact that he WAS leaving, and we could realistically agree that the long-distance thing wouldn't make sense, and thereby ultimately recognize that we didn't owe each other anything beyond respect and open affection. No commitment.

So... there were no fireworks for me on the fourth of July. More laying around in the apartment, and then showing him how to get to the airport. I chose AGAIN not to go out, and was actually sad to see him go. But I plan on flyin' down to Puerto Rico to see him in August! *grin*

Meantime I'll have to content myself with exchanging emails and occasional phone calls. I've also resolved to learn spanish for REAL, and enroll in a class at the ABC Language Center. Not this week, of course, since I'm broke as all get-out, but it's definitely in the cards. Meantime I'm bringing the "Learn Spanish" guidebook and CDs to work and harrassing my coworkers overnight to repeat the fuckin' phrases with me. It needs doing, and not just to better communicate with David, coz lord knows he plans on improving his English, but to increase my value in the workforce --can you smell a driving course coming up as well? aargh-- and because I live in freakin' New York City, where people automatically assume I speak Spanish anyway.

where are the fireworks? part 1

2006-07-05T04:24:00.000-04:00

I had originally taken off for my fourth of July weekend so I could go down to DC/Maryland and chill with my boy Justin, and maybe somehow meet up with this kid AJ that I had met over Memorial Day Weekend, but was sidetracked by a bit of foul mood and weather the day before my departure date. So many things needed to get done before I left, and just thinking about completing all of them before hopping on the bus, and going to work to boot, caused a wave of fatigue to wash over me. I needed to have certain bills paid, clothes washed, throw in some time for the gym & tanning salon, and any number of errands that would see me running back and forth around the city while hefting a huge backpack.

I tried to do everything at once, as usual. Overwhelm myself. So as per my usual response, my mind and body shut down on me, and its final imperative was to NOT do anything, and to cancel the rest of my plans to go away. In lieu of that, I told myself I would try and do something productive, but in some twisted sort of way I may as well have told myself that I was being grounded. It felt like a punishment was being handed down from my "higher functions."

And so I planned on working on my music. What does that mean, exactly? I can't even define it to other people, because my insecurities about it would get in the way, and can barely even say it to myself. I wanted to finish the songs I was working on, dammit! I WANTED to. So why did it feel like punishment?

Naturally, I rebelled. All day Friday I lounged in the bed, got up several times to fiddle with my music programs, watched some porno, and for the most part did absolutely nothing. At a certain point I decided to put it off for the next day and called up some friends to see what they were doing. My Friday nights were rarely free and I wanted to treat myself, however long the process it was to come to that decision. How did I reconcile treating myself after punishing myself, however subconsciously? Simple answer is, I'll do whatever I want to do in the end, provided that it's easy enough. My default friends, and not at all in a bad way, are CJ and Martin. However way they may perceive me they are presently the most consistent friends I have and make themselves available to me. I don't know what best friends are, but I feel I have a pretty healthy rapport with them, and they are a significant part of my support system. That being said, I acted flaky. And while I made plans to meet up with either, ended up waiting for the very last possible minute to get my ass up out of bed and get ready, and in no small part due to a chance internet exchange/encounter with a new acquaintance, Ross, who I had met through a not-so-new acquaintance, John.

We met up on 42nd street, and from there made our way up to Washington Heights to break in the night at "No Parking Bar & Lounge," where CJ bartends every Friday. We got started and drank and talked and chilled. Despite my insistence otherwise, I DID cruise. I DO cruise. It's not that I'm a prude about it, nor that I want to come off holier than thou, but I worry that I might end up resembling one of those hungry wolves that prowl around in the shadows, waiting for something that couldn't possible be attained with THAT kinda of attitude/mentality/demeanor.

Casually scanning the crowd I caught the flash of white teeth against ultraviolet light. I zeroed in on the smile's owner and assessed my level of attraction for him. Satisfied, I initiated eye contact and smiled. He smiled back, indicating mutual attraction or at least a polite one. So I continued holding his gaze until I had to break off, for fear of losing the thread of conversation that I was having with Ross the whole time this was happening. Not missing a beat I gave Ross the play-by-play, and asked for a second opinion. Ross grinned and gave me the green light.

About to be a little bolder I started to make my way over when I was intercepted by another acquaintance, Mario. So we talked some more, cracked jokes, and I gamely joined them in assessing the prospects in the room. One other individual had caught my eye, an attractive 30-something in an burnt orange v-neck t-shirt and beige Kangol cap (i couldn't see below bar level so I don't know what he wore beyond that), but half-jokingly dismissed him because I saw him talking to yet ANOTHER acquaintance, thereby invoking the "no kickin' it to your friends' friends" rule," whatever THAT was. At least, not while they were present, anyway. Still, and after sharing/vocalizing my thought process, I insisted that "I could get him" if I wanted to but then in sing-song fashion finished the statement with "will he still love me...tomorrow..?" We laughed at that. Not too shortly after, a former fling that I wish I never met, Coby, practically teleported into existence, and he was his usual charming, asshole self. I allowed myself to be sidetracked by them, introducing them to Ross and exchanging pleasantries, because there's always a part of me that wants to delay the impending encounter on the off-chance that its outcome is rejection.

Not too long after though, I grew tired of the conversation, and particularly Coby, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. It was there that I finally met David ("the teeth flasher"), who leaned into me as we "coincidentally" were at the sink washing our hands. Even that small gesture was nice, and warm, and after drying my hands introduced myself. Without going TOO much into detail, David was handsome. Roughly my height, maybe a half-inch taller at 5'11" and maybe 180 pounds, with a healthy lean build and a smooth tan complexion. He identified as Dominican, but grew up in Puerto Rico, and was only here visiting for vacation. His English was passable, but slow and deliberate, as was mine when speaking to him so that he would understand me better. We held each other's gaze the entire time, and without too much prompting even exchanged an embrace. I don't know what he was thinking, but I basically wanted to hold and be held by someone, and he was accommodating AND attractive AND masculine.

Because of the noise level and the language barrier, I asked him if we could continue the conversation outside, and of COURSE he agreed. I knew even THEN that he was really feeling me, and it was nice. With limited vocabulary, he went on to share what he REALLY thought about me:

"I feel like I've known you for years."

He might as well have told me we were soul mates. *Sigh* Of COURSE it's flattering and nice to hear, and given the space that I was in I was definitely feeling him back, but undeniably the timing was still wrong. I'm still fucked up about my previous experiences and I think the main thing that needs to change before I can fully function again is to be my own person and realize everything I've ever wanted for myself, particularly my aspirations towards songwriting/singing.

Yes, all that was running through my head. At the same time I was basically giving him the green light to continue with his charms and intimations. Because it felt good. And I'm an insecure bastard. We went back inside because it would be rude to the friends we were respectively with to NOT be with them, and to make more introductions. David had to go though, with his friend Pedro, among others, to Krash, and I promised I would meet up with them. Hell, I wanted to go anyway. Seriously. I needed my hip-hop fix, and Ross was game.