where are the fireworks? part 1
I had originally taken off for my fourth of July weekend so I could go down to DC/Maryland and chill with my boy Justin, and maybe somehow meet up with this kid AJ that I had met over Memorial Day Weekend, but was sidetracked by a bit of foul mood and weather the day before my departure date. So many things needed to get done before I left, and just thinking about completing all of them before hopping on the bus, and going to work to boot, caused a wave of fatigue to wash over me. I needed to have certain bills paid, clothes washed, throw in some time for the gym & tanning salon, and any number of errands that would see me running back and forth around the city while hefting a huge backpack.
I tried to do everything at once, as usual. Overwhelm myself. So as per my usual response, my mind and body shut down on me, and its final imperative was to NOT do anything, and to cancel the rest of my plans to go away. In lieu of that, I told myself I would try and do something productive, but in some twisted sort of way I may as well have told myself that I was being grounded. It felt like a punishment was being handed down from my "higher functions."
And so I planned on working on my music. What does that mean, exactly? I can't even define it to other people, because my insecurities about it would get in the way, and can barely even say it to myself. I wanted to finish the songs I was working on, dammit! I WANTED to. So why did it feel like punishment?
Naturally, I rebelled. All day Friday I lounged in the bed, got up several times to fiddle with my music programs, watched some porno, and for the most part did absolutely nothing. At a certain point I decided to put it off for the next day and called up some friends to see what they were doing. My Friday nights were rarely free and I wanted to treat myself, however long the process it was to come to that decision. How did I reconcile treating myself after punishing myself, however subconsciously? Simple answer is, I'll do whatever I want to do in the end, provided that it's easy enough. My default friends, and not at all in a bad way, are CJ and Martin. However way they may perceive me they are presently the most consistent friends I have and make themselves available to me. I don't know what best friends are, but I feel I have a pretty healthy rapport with them, and they are a significant part of my support system. That being said, I acted flaky. And while I made plans to meet up with either, ended up waiting for the very last possible minute to get my ass up out of bed and get ready, and in no small part due to a chance internet exchange/encounter with a new acquaintance, Ross, who I had met through a not-so-new acquaintance, John.
We met up on 42nd street, and from there made our way up to Washington Heights to break in the night at "No Parking Bar & Lounge," where CJ bartends every Friday. We got started and drank and talked and chilled. Despite my insistence otherwise, I DID cruise. I DO cruise. It's not that I'm a prude about it, nor that I want to come off holier than thou, but I worry that I might end up resembling one of those hungry wolves that prowl around in the shadows, waiting for something that couldn't possible be attained with THAT kinda of attitude/mentality/demeanor.
Casually scanning the crowd I caught the flash of white teeth against ultraviolet light. I zeroed in on the smile's owner and assessed my level of attraction for him. Satisfied, I initiated eye contact and smiled. He smiled back, indicating mutual attraction or at least a polite one. So I continued holding his gaze until I had to break off, for fear of losing the thread of conversation that I was having with Ross the whole time this was happening. Not missing a beat I gave Ross the play-by-play, and asked for a second opinion. Ross grinned and gave me the green light.
About to be a little bolder I started to make my way over when I was intercepted by another acquaintance, Mario. So we talked some more, cracked jokes, and I gamely joined them in assessing the prospects in the room. One other individual had caught my eye, an attractive 30-something in an burnt orange v-neck t-shirt and beige Kangol cap (i couldn't see below bar level so I don't know what he wore beyond that), but half-jokingly dismissed him because I saw him talking to yet ANOTHER acquaintance, thereby invoking the "no kickin' it to your friends' friends" rule," whatever THAT was. At least, not while they were present, anyway. Still, and after sharing/vocalizing my thought process, I insisted that "I could get him" if I wanted to but then in sing-song fashion finished the statement with "will he still love me...tomorrow..?" We laughed at that. Not too shortly after, a former fling that I wish I never met, Coby, practically teleported into existence, and he was his usual charming, asshole self. I allowed myself to be sidetracked by them, introducing them to Ross and exchanging pleasantries, because there's always a part of me that wants to delay the impending encounter on the off-chance that its outcome is rejection.
Not too long after though, I grew tired of the conversation, and particularly Coby, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. It was there that I finally met David ("the teeth flasher"), who leaned into me as we "coincidentally" were at the sink washing our hands. Even that small gesture was nice, and warm, and after drying my hands introduced myself. Without going TOO much into detail, David was handsome. Roughly my height, maybe a half-inch taller at 5'11" and maybe 180 pounds, with a healthy lean build and a smooth tan complexion. He identified as Dominican, but grew up in Puerto Rico, and was only here visiting for vacation. His English was passable, but slow and deliberate, as was mine when speaking to him so that he would understand me better. We held each other's gaze the entire time, and without too much prompting even exchanged an embrace. I don't know what he was thinking, but I basically wanted to hold and be held by someone, and he was accommodating AND attractive AND masculine.
Because of the noise level and the language barrier, I asked him if we could continue the conversation outside, and of COURSE he agreed. I knew even THEN that he was really feeling me, and it was nice. With limited vocabulary, he went on to share what he REALLY thought about me:
"I feel like I've known you for years."
He might as well have told me we were soul mates. *Sigh* Of COURSE it's flattering and nice to hear, and given the space that I was in I was definitely feeling him back, but undeniably the timing was still wrong. I'm still fucked up about my previous experiences and I think the main thing that needs to change before I can fully function again is to be my own person and realize everything I've ever wanted for myself, particularly my aspirations towards songwriting/singing.
Yes, all that was running through my head. At the same time I was basically giving him the green light to continue with his charms and intimations. Because it felt good. And I'm an insecure bastard. We went back inside because it would be rude to the friends we were respectively with to NOT be with them, and to make more introductions. David had to go though, with his friend Pedro, among others, to Krash, and I promised I would meet up with them. Hell, I wanted to go anyway. Seriously. I needed my hip-hop fix, and Ross was game.
I tried to do everything at once, as usual. Overwhelm myself. So as per my usual response, my mind and body shut down on me, and its final imperative was to NOT do anything, and to cancel the rest of my plans to go away. In lieu of that, I told myself I would try and do something productive, but in some twisted sort of way I may as well have told myself that I was being grounded. It felt like a punishment was being handed down from my "higher functions."
And so I planned on working on my music. What does that mean, exactly? I can't even define it to other people, because my insecurities about it would get in the way, and can barely even say it to myself. I wanted to finish the songs I was working on, dammit! I WANTED to. So why did it feel like punishment?
Naturally, I rebelled. All day Friday I lounged in the bed, got up several times to fiddle with my music programs, watched some porno, and for the most part did absolutely nothing. At a certain point I decided to put it off for the next day and called up some friends to see what they were doing. My Friday nights were rarely free and I wanted to treat myself, however long the process it was to come to that decision. How did I reconcile treating myself after punishing myself, however subconsciously? Simple answer is, I'll do whatever I want to do in the end, provided that it's easy enough. My default friends, and not at all in a bad way, are CJ and Martin. However way they may perceive me they are presently the most consistent friends I have and make themselves available to me. I don't know what best friends are, but I feel I have a pretty healthy rapport with them, and they are a significant part of my support system. That being said, I acted flaky. And while I made plans to meet up with either, ended up waiting for the very last possible minute to get my ass up out of bed and get ready, and in no small part due to a chance internet exchange/encounter with a new acquaintance, Ross, who I had met through a not-so-new acquaintance, John.
We met up on 42nd street, and from there made our way up to Washington Heights to break in the night at "No Parking Bar & Lounge," where CJ bartends every Friday. We got started and drank and talked and chilled. Despite my insistence otherwise, I DID cruise. I DO cruise. It's not that I'm a prude about it, nor that I want to come off holier than thou, but I worry that I might end up resembling one of those hungry wolves that prowl around in the shadows, waiting for something that couldn't possible be attained with THAT kinda of attitude/mentality/demeanor.
Casually scanning the crowd I caught the flash of white teeth against ultraviolet light. I zeroed in on the smile's owner and assessed my level of attraction for him. Satisfied, I initiated eye contact and smiled. He smiled back, indicating mutual attraction or at least a polite one. So I continued holding his gaze until I had to break off, for fear of losing the thread of conversation that I was having with Ross the whole time this was happening. Not missing a beat I gave Ross the play-by-play, and asked for a second opinion. Ross grinned and gave me the green light.
About to be a little bolder I started to make my way over when I was intercepted by another acquaintance, Mario. So we talked some more, cracked jokes, and I gamely joined them in assessing the prospects in the room. One other individual had caught my eye, an attractive 30-something in an burnt orange v-neck t-shirt and beige Kangol cap (i couldn't see below bar level so I don't know what he wore beyond that), but half-jokingly dismissed him because I saw him talking to yet ANOTHER acquaintance, thereby invoking the "no kickin' it to your friends' friends" rule," whatever THAT was. At least, not while they were present, anyway. Still, and after sharing/vocalizing my thought process, I insisted that "I could get him" if I wanted to but then in sing-song fashion finished the statement with "will he still love me...tomorrow..?" We laughed at that. Not too shortly after, a former fling that I wish I never met, Coby, practically teleported into existence, and he was his usual charming, asshole self. I allowed myself to be sidetracked by them, introducing them to Ross and exchanging pleasantries, because there's always a part of me that wants to delay the impending encounter on the off-chance that its outcome is rejection.
Not too long after though, I grew tired of the conversation, and particularly Coby, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. It was there that I finally met David ("the teeth flasher"), who leaned into me as we "coincidentally" were at the sink washing our hands. Even that small gesture was nice, and warm, and after drying my hands introduced myself. Without going TOO much into detail, David was handsome. Roughly my height, maybe a half-inch taller at 5'11" and maybe 180 pounds, with a healthy lean build and a smooth tan complexion. He identified as Dominican, but grew up in Puerto Rico, and was only here visiting for vacation. His English was passable, but slow and deliberate, as was mine when speaking to him so that he would understand me better. We held each other's gaze the entire time, and without too much prompting even exchanged an embrace. I don't know what he was thinking, but I basically wanted to hold and be held by someone, and he was accommodating AND attractive AND masculine.
Because of the noise level and the language barrier, I asked him if we could continue the conversation outside, and of COURSE he agreed. I knew even THEN that he was really feeling me, and it was nice. With limited vocabulary, he went on to share what he REALLY thought about me:
"I feel like I've known you for years."
He might as well have told me we were soul mates. *Sigh* Of COURSE it's flattering and nice to hear, and given the space that I was in I was definitely feeling him back, but undeniably the timing was still wrong. I'm still fucked up about my previous experiences and I think the main thing that needs to change before I can fully function again is to be my own person and realize everything I've ever wanted for myself, particularly my aspirations towards songwriting/singing.
Yes, all that was running through my head. At the same time I was basically giving him the green light to continue with his charms and intimations. Because it felt good. And I'm an insecure bastard. We went back inside because it would be rude to the friends we were respectively with to NOT be with them, and to make more introductions. David had to go though, with his friend Pedro, among others, to Krash, and I promised I would meet up with them. Hell, I wanted to go anyway. Seriously. I needed my hip-hop fix, and Ross was game.
posted by edjamuhkaytedqt at 4:24 AM
2 Comments:
Dominic I love the recap of the evening and the thoughts prior that went into it.
Insecure bastards need love, too, pa. But no matter who we encounter in our journey, no matter the attraction or how much we feel them, a subtle relationsip w/ our OWN emotions should come first, because it's so damn paramount to & for our relationship w/ others.
One.
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