weblog 10072007-1
it's 6:37AM at work as I start writing this... what did i do last night? well... my day started around 4pm, i guess, when Andre texted me asking if i wanted to chill. i was still groggy, however, having slept poorly for most of the day, and deemed it too early to rise out of bed. Then Martin calls me. I know it's him because "Give It Up Turn It Loose" starts playing on my phone. I dread the phone call, feeling guilty over not making time to hang out with him, CJ, or even Blandon, arguably 3 of my closest friends, not including the rest of them whom I've been ducking. Who am i kidding, I was ducking all of them, for one reason or another, but ultimately because I didn't feel I was feeling stagnant, and halfway embarrassed for my lack of professional growth.
This time I steeled myself and picked up the phone. Naturally, my anxiety was unwarranted, and we slipped back into our usual conversation dynamic. I knew I was going to Wade's "Welcome Back" from Australia party, and so invited him to come along, since he also knew Wade, if only in passing. Originally, I had asked only Miles to accompany me, since he was a new friend and was more inclined to listen to me angst about this guy I'm in a "situation" with. I don't mean to minimalize it, but I daresay I'd be mis-speaking if I presumed to refer to Julio as my boyfriend, howevermuch I may feel for him.
In any case, I can only imagine my other friends are tired of hearing me using them as a sounding board. Mid-conversation with Martin, Miles texts me asking for the meeting time, which I answer after I get of the phone. I tell him to meet me at 7pm in Chelsea, where the get-together is. By that time it's 4:30 and still I am laying around in bed, hoping to hear from the object of my affections, but not wanting to be the bother that I was suspecting I was being.
Finally, I drag myself to the bathroom for a shower and grooming, having settled on a black v neck t-shirt and jeans. The whole time there's a disquiet in my heart, but still I fight the urge to pick up the phone, whether it's to text or call Julio.
I'm going to try something. From now on, and at least for the next week, whenever I have the urge to call him, text him, or WHAT-ever, just to spout sentimentalities, I will instead put it down in this blog, documenting and describing the very feelings that overtake me. I don't want it to be one-sided anymore. At least, I don't want him to know how I feel when I'm feeling it when I haven't gotten any indication that he loves or misses me back. I can't make myself pull back and become TRULY distant. I don't want to get in the habit of becoming disconnected, for fear that the practice of it will make it a reality. I love him. I don't want to stop loving him, even if it hurts me. Therefore I will only speak it out into the universe, via this blog. As much as I want him to know, I don't want to drive him away. At least not until and if I have decided to cut my losses.
Anyway where was I? Ah, yes. I met up with Miles at 7pm, and we went and had pizza, chillin', and killing time til 9 when Wade's shindig started. Still time was ticking away too slowly and we decided to go chill at g lounge. Despite myself we had Stoli Raspberry and Red Bulls, and I actually enjoyed my buzz, as well as my conversation with Miles.
Admittedly I couldn't stop talking about Julio, concluding that despite whatever grievances I had, I am so in love with the boy. I don't know what to do. I'm going to start occupying my time a lil bit more... just... need to keep myself from wondering if he's thinking about me. I don't want to fish for it. Everything I do for him I do because I want to; because I want to make him happy, and that makes me happy. I wish he thought of me in the same way but he seems to mistake romance for corniness. Miles joked that I should get him a "Romance for Dummies" book. I chuckled, but for some reason I couldn't get the idea out of my head. Would it work? It was so ridiculous that I thought it just might, but only if he was willing to try. Was he willing to try? I fear not, but I must try to trust him more and give him the opportunity to answer.
I left for work around 12:30AM, since Chris agreed to stay an hour later in exchange for a favor I did for him earlier in the week, and was still a little bit lightheaded from having had a total of four drinks, although I was otherwise none the worse for wear. No blackouts, no black mood. It felt validating, to say the least. Doesn't mean I'm going to drink more often, but that I should only drink when I'm in a good mood, not to drown my sorrows.
This time I steeled myself and picked up the phone. Naturally, my anxiety was unwarranted, and we slipped back into our usual conversation dynamic. I knew I was going to Wade's "Welcome Back" from Australia party, and so invited him to come along, since he also knew Wade, if only in passing. Originally, I had asked only Miles to accompany me, since he was a new friend and was more inclined to listen to me angst about this guy I'm in a "situation" with. I don't mean to minimalize it, but I daresay I'd be mis-speaking if I presumed to refer to Julio as my boyfriend, howevermuch I may feel for him.
In any case, I can only imagine my other friends are tired of hearing me using them as a sounding board. Mid-conversation with Martin, Miles texts me asking for the meeting time, which I answer after I get of the phone. I tell him to meet me at 7pm in Chelsea, where the get-together is. By that time it's 4:30 and still I am laying around in bed, hoping to hear from the object of my affections, but not wanting to be the bother that I was suspecting I was being.
Finally, I drag myself to the bathroom for a shower and grooming, having settled on a black v neck t-shirt and jeans. The whole time there's a disquiet in my heart, but still I fight the urge to pick up the phone, whether it's to text or call Julio.
I'm going to try something. From now on, and at least for the next week, whenever I have the urge to call him, text him, or WHAT-ever, just to spout sentimentalities, I will instead put it down in this blog, documenting and describing the very feelings that overtake me. I don't want it to be one-sided anymore. At least, I don't want him to know how I feel when I'm feeling it when I haven't gotten any indication that he loves or misses me back. I can't make myself pull back and become TRULY distant. I don't want to get in the habit of becoming disconnected, for fear that the practice of it will make it a reality. I love him. I don't want to stop loving him, even if it hurts me. Therefore I will only speak it out into the universe, via this blog. As much as I want him to know, I don't want to drive him away. At least not until and if I have decided to cut my losses.
Anyway where was I? Ah, yes. I met up with Miles at 7pm, and we went and had pizza, chillin', and killing time til 9 when Wade's shindig started. Still time was ticking away too slowly and we decided to go chill at g lounge. Despite myself we had Stoli Raspberry and Red Bulls, and I actually enjoyed my buzz, as well as my conversation with Miles.
Admittedly I couldn't stop talking about Julio, concluding that despite whatever grievances I had, I am so in love with the boy. I don't know what to do. I'm going to start occupying my time a lil bit more... just... need to keep myself from wondering if he's thinking about me. I don't want to fish for it. Everything I do for him I do because I want to; because I want to make him happy, and that makes me happy. I wish he thought of me in the same way but he seems to mistake romance for corniness. Miles joked that I should get him a "Romance for Dummies" book. I chuckled, but for some reason I couldn't get the idea out of my head. Would it work? It was so ridiculous that I thought it just might, but only if he was willing to try. Was he willing to try? I fear not, but I must try to trust him more and give him the opportunity to answer.
I left for work around 12:30AM, since Chris agreed to stay an hour later in exchange for a favor I did for him earlier in the week, and was still a little bit lightheaded from having had a total of four drinks, although I was otherwise none the worse for wear. No blackouts, no black mood. It felt validating, to say the least. Doesn't mean I'm going to drink more often, but that I should only drink when I'm in a good mood, not to drown my sorrows.
posted by edjamuhkaytedqt at 6:36 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home