i am not in a relationship.

i am not in a relationship.

i feel like i need to say it at least 5 billion times a day. To remind myself so that there's no chance of me forgetting, and ultimately set myself up for disappointment. but it's a little too late for that i suppose. i'm disappointed. i feel insignificant, where this guy is concerned. unimportant. like some kind of secret to be hidden away. it doesn't feel good, not to be acknowledged, grayed out by someone who professed to loving you.



i am not in a relationship.

I can't do this anymore. I'm not happy with the way things are, and I haven't been for a few weeks now; not since he told me that he only tells people that he's "in a situation." how can he do that after telling me that he wanted me to call him my boyfriend?

too many mixed messages, signals. whatever.

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WHAT I WOULD TELL HIM IF I WERE STRONG ENOUGH TO RISK LOSING AND ALIENATING HIM:

I need more than what you're willing to give. I need someone who cares enough to remember the little things, and not so little things. I want to be in a relationship with someone that loves and cares for me as much as I do them. For crying out loud it's only been three months! It's supposed to at least be the "honeymoon" phase for at least SIX, but you're not doing anything to make this long-distance situation any easier. There's no indication that I mean anything to you beyond someone to occasionally warm your bed at night. I feel like i'm pulling teeth sometimes when we're together and I have to tell you to do things that someone more considerate would have already done. You didn't make it a point to remember to watch a particular movie with me, you left me locked out of my apartment while you were inside sleeping, you're ALWAYS late picking me up from the bus station, you forget what questions you've already asked me, you see your main contribution to this "situation" as "knocking it out of the park" and the sex itself doesn't mean anything to you outside of "feeling good." and for the record, none of these things involve spending a single penny, and only a minimal amount of effort.

Don't you get it?! All I ever wanted was to be with you, and around you. I would have done anything to make you happy, but I don't even get the smallest consideration. You have no idea how much it would mean to me to step off the bus in Maryland and have YOU be the first thing I see, but it's always been an "i'll be right there" only for you to show up a half hour later. It tells someone that you care and think about them more than actual words. Even on your myspace page it says you are "single." I guess they didn't have an "in a situation" category, huh?

Not having you in my life would devastate me for a long time, but I wonder if it's worth it while just settling for the scraps i'm getting. I tried to tell myself that i'm being too demanding, that i'm moving too fast maybe, or that i'd never find any person, relationships and romance notwithstanding, as good, smart, unpretentious, simple, endearing, beautiful, sane, accepting, or even normal, in one package. But I don't feel my heart, soul, whatever it is, being nurtured or fed. The way things are going everything feels stagnant, no matter how many times you say that you have feelings for me.

I don't want it to be over, but I ain't nobody to be telling you what to do. You don't make me feel like i'm anybody significant to you. I don't feel appreciated. I want to have thicker skin, I want to not care so much, so that I can be content with the moments few and far between when I can lay in your arms and kiss you and give of myself. I wish so badly, because I truly love you.

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i want him to be my boyfriend, and i want him to want to view me the same way as well, and make me his. i want him to acknowledge that we're more than a "situation."

and if i can't have any of those things i want to stop loving him. i don't want to feel anything for him anymore. that way i can just let go...

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PRACTICE RUN

this coming weekend Julio will be coming up to New York. I am going to treat it like it's my last time we are ever together. what am i going to do differently this time around?

answer: try to enjoy every minute and every second that i have left. savor the last moments i have left with him... make it memorable...

SATURDAY...

he'll probably come in around 4pm. he claims he'll just sleep on the bus, and try to catch the early one, but his track record shows that he doesn't care enough to inconvenience himself by getting up earlier. The weather promises to be shitty so what can we do, where can we go to spend some time together?

i could take him to Queens. see where i grew up. walk around the neighborhood.

-take him to the thai restaurant near my house.
-go see a movie.
-filipino restaurant?
-sleep together, of course. literally and euphemistically. i need to load up. i'll
no doubt have another year long dry spell after that...
-play video games. i will probably offer to give it away to him. it'd be a good
excuse to get the Playstation 3, anyway. somehow... as if i can afford it.
-go to village underground. what are the odds of putting together a song just for him by then? not very good, but worth a try.
-hopefully nina will be home and he'll get to meet her...

...god i'm depressed.