countdown to oblivion

so that's it then.

i am alone. martin says i should get used to it. accept it. sheesh. i will try. i'll also go back to therapy. i kinda liked my old therapist anyway, so i'll see what he's up to. it would have been nice to have belonged somewhere, but it's not meant for me.

and the worst part is, i'm the only one losing sleep over it.

crap. i have to delete everything now. all the photos, messages, call histories. i can no longer read his blogs, coz no doubt he'll have written me off as one more lesson to learn about himself. heaven forbid i be a real living breathing person. i have to cut ties completely because anything reminding me of him... well, it just hurts.

it hurts that someone i've put in all this time and effort for, that i've made every endeavor to get to know better, just swears they have me pegged. that they KNOW i'm some kind of alcoholic.

have a blacked out and drank in excess? yes, but few and far between, and only when something or someone has hurt me, so much so that i want to numb the pain. but more often than not i've been told i'm charming and funny when i'm tipsy. i've gone out three times this past week drinking and not once did i black out, and i had a good time. i even went straight to work after.

you are so fucked up. you claim that you would have changed, would have shown up on time if i told you, for example, but i DID. I fucking TOLD you countless times, directly and indirectly, how much it meant to me, and yet you STILL show up LATE.

but fuck it. i'm just not worth the trouble, am i? and maybe you're right...

Sometimes I forget I'm not like everybody else... that i have no right to ask for more than the little that's given to me... who would possibly love me and want to go above and beyond, knowing the truth about me? All my faults, and shortcomings. My deficiencies and diseases. It should be enough that they find me even remotely desireable, right? Keep me around...

I promise that next time I'll just keep my mouth shut, and be content with the scraps. If there's a next time.

I must not hope.

i miss him so much tho, and THAT hurts too, especially when he can make it better and he won't.

now THAT makes me want to drink. it's gotta wait tho, till saturday, and sunday... and monday... when i will be off.

i feel so lost. and scared. and i can't talk about it to anybody.

just in time for winter.

"You have managed to turned me from a (wo)man of substance, into a brick flying, crying too damn much, crying and crying, way down low, low, with flats on, from the opposite side of the bar, easy off loading on top of your car... chick..."

"Insomnia" - Jill Scott

i don't want anybody else. the idea of anybody else touching me that way makes me sick, nauseous. there's so much i wanted to do and share with him that i'll never get a chance to. i'm going to have to cancel six flags, and my dinner party. it all feels empty without him there with me.