i know i should be more grateful but...
i'm lonely...
just random quirky things about me:
#37) at least 75% of the songs i play at any given time are reflective of the state i'm in; the last ten songs can usually be seen up on this last fm widget i have on my myspace pages.
#12) it comforts me, especially when i'm depressed, to sit down crosslegged in the bathtub, and let the hot water beat down against my scalp and back.
#278) i have an innate fear of being scolded, even for the smallest inconsequential things. its taken me a long time to train myself not to flinch at a stern voice.
#202) sex stopped being JUST sex to me when my health became an issue, and i finally chose to be more discerning about who'd i'd have it with. it has to mean something or else i don't get aroused.
#40) i haven't made any improvements to my room because i'm afraid to commit to it. what if i have to relocate in a few months?
#18) my parents divorced when i was 8. i fronted like was the "in" thing to do at the time. one of the worst feelings in the world is being made to choose between your parents.
#115) my dad disowned me in 2005. not because i'm gay, but because i didn't agree with his way of thinking. even before that tho, i have never had a strong male presence in my life.
56#) i joke about being molested. but i was abused when i was around 10 years old by my uncle. yeah, i did think it was my fault for a while...
#99) i never felt like i fit in anywhere, and to this day front like i like it that way. truth is i just want to feel like i belong somewhere.
__________________________________________________________________________
today i woke up at 5am. then 6am. then 7am. that's what i get for being in bed for the bulk of yesterday.
it's 51 degrees outside. i got up for a few minutes to make myself a PBJ sandwich, then went back to tossing and turning until 7AM. there was no need for me to even be up this early, but since i did pretty much absolutely nothing with my requested days off i'm pretty angry. and frustrated. and perhaps it IS my fault. dude made it perfectly clear he was not coming up to see me. i just kept hoping anyway though. now after the fact i'm angry that i wasted my time moping, while he no doubt stayed on the productive tip.
i can feel myself trying to be more removed from the situation. not to care so much. but i'm scared that one day i will cross that line and become altogether indifferent to our situation. what am i doing?
it's monday morning. still stinging from the feelings of abandonment. just play it cool, dominic. no more gushing, no more L word, no more missing him. matter of fact, keep it all short and sweet. overnight visits, don't want to be in the way. this is as good as it gets, right? at least i know he's a good person. and i trust him, in my own way.
around 10:30am my sister calls to tell me that nina is there, and would i like to come play with her? i latch onto the idea like a drowning man to a lifesaver. and that's where i find myself by noon. eating mom's food and then laying next to my sleeping goddaughter. occasionally, she grasps for me. it's nice to feel wanted.
this morning there's this whole episodic texting wherein i am accused of having liasons with numerous guys from adam4adam. in a twisted kind of way i'm flattered that he went into my account. that, despite how wrong it actually is, that he's actually human, and maybe even a little bit jealous, of ME of all people. it didn't hurt that hooking up was never on the agenda for me, so i had no guilt about him going into it. admittedly i WAS looking for some kind of validation, that i had started to miss with him.
i know, i know, i shouldn't be looking outside myself for validation, but i'm hardly that evolved. i wish it were so, but i've had a fucked up childhood, and even more fucked up previous relationships.
with this "reboot" in our status quo, at least i know where he stands. if he wants to see me, i'll make myself available. but i will try more to NOT allow myself to ask for anything anymore.
in 24 hours i'll be changing the URL of this blog. i'm worried that this will become a passive aggressive way of expressing things, whether he responds or not will just make me that much more distressed. i really don't want him reading all my sentimental crap, either feeling obligated to comply, or resenting me for the same and not doing a damn thing about it, when this is just a means for me to vent.
just random quirky things about me:
#37) at least 75% of the songs i play at any given time are reflective of the state i'm in; the last ten songs can usually be seen up on this last fm widget i have on my myspace pages.
#12) it comforts me, especially when i'm depressed, to sit down crosslegged in the bathtub, and let the hot water beat down against my scalp and back.
#278) i have an innate fear of being scolded, even for the smallest inconsequential things. its taken me a long time to train myself not to flinch at a stern voice.
#202) sex stopped being JUST sex to me when my health became an issue, and i finally chose to be more discerning about who'd i'd have it with. it has to mean something or else i don't get aroused.
#40) i haven't made any improvements to my room because i'm afraid to commit to it. what if i have to relocate in a few months?
#18) my parents divorced when i was 8. i fronted like was the "in" thing to do at the time. one of the worst feelings in the world is being made to choose between your parents.
#115) my dad disowned me in 2005. not because i'm gay, but because i didn't agree with his way of thinking. even before that tho, i have never had a strong male presence in my life.
56#) i joke about being molested. but i was abused when i was around 10 years old by my uncle. yeah, i did think it was my fault for a while...
#99) i never felt like i fit in anywhere, and to this day front like i like it that way. truth is i just want to feel like i belong somewhere.
__________________________________________________________________________
today i woke up at 5am. then 6am. then 7am. that's what i get for being in bed for the bulk of yesterday.
it's 51 degrees outside. i got up for a few minutes to make myself a PBJ sandwich, then went back to tossing and turning until 7AM. there was no need for me to even be up this early, but since i did pretty much absolutely nothing with my requested days off i'm pretty angry. and frustrated. and perhaps it IS my fault. dude made it perfectly clear he was not coming up to see me. i just kept hoping anyway though. now after the fact i'm angry that i wasted my time moping, while he no doubt stayed on the productive tip.
i can feel myself trying to be more removed from the situation. not to care so much. but i'm scared that one day i will cross that line and become altogether indifferent to our situation. what am i doing?
it's monday morning. still stinging from the feelings of abandonment. just play it cool, dominic. no more gushing, no more L word, no more missing him. matter of fact, keep it all short and sweet. overnight visits, don't want to be in the way. this is as good as it gets, right? at least i know he's a good person. and i trust him, in my own way.
around 10:30am my sister calls to tell me that nina is there, and would i like to come play with her? i latch onto the idea like a drowning man to a lifesaver. and that's where i find myself by noon. eating mom's food and then laying next to my sleeping goddaughter. occasionally, she grasps for me. it's nice to feel wanted.
this morning there's this whole episodic texting wherein i am accused of having liasons with numerous guys from adam4adam. in a twisted kind of way i'm flattered that he went into my account. that, despite how wrong it actually is, that he's actually human, and maybe even a little bit jealous, of ME of all people. it didn't hurt that hooking up was never on the agenda for me, so i had no guilt about him going into it. admittedly i WAS looking for some kind of validation, that i had started to miss with him.
i know, i know, i shouldn't be looking outside myself for validation, but i'm hardly that evolved. i wish it were so, but i've had a fucked up childhood, and even more fucked up previous relationships.
with this "reboot" in our status quo, at least i know where he stands. if he wants to see me, i'll make myself available. but i will try more to NOT allow myself to ask for anything anymore.
in 24 hours i'll be changing the URL of this blog. i'm worried that this will become a passive aggressive way of expressing things, whether he responds or not will just make me that much more distressed. i really don't want him reading all my sentimental crap, either feeling obligated to comply, or resenting me for the same and not doing a damn thing about it, when this is just a means for me to vent.
posted by edjamuhkaytedqt at 2:25 PM
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