holding out.

it's a beautiful night. i got the window open and the occasional breeze, and the rustling of leaves, yes, even on 65th Street with its intermittent late night cars driving by, and drunk loud dudes, manage to soothe me. It even makes me think of a number of guys i wouldn't mind sharing it with... in bed, of course. cuddling, or maybe just laying there, not touching, just in case the heat rears it's ugly head again. just being quiet together.

i worry that they'd end up liking me even more. these little moments of urban magic can sometimes fool one into thinking they've stumbled upon the romantic lottery, but i just happened to be a warm body at the right place and time.

XXXXX really likes me. no not THAT XXXXX, a different XXXXX. i like him. i like him a lot, actually, as a person. but i don't have THOSE kinds of feelings for him. i feel kinda bad, because he'd totally deserve the best of me

if i had it in me to give.

as does XXXXXX. again. no sparks. i have affection for them, and want them to succeed, but i don't want to let anybody in. not for a while. i deserve to do better by myself.

XXXX is TOTALLY feeling me. and i hate that i sound so distracted when i'm around him. i've just been going through a hell of a lot lately. having a lot of pain, anxieties about what i'm going to do with my life...

the leaves rustle a little bit louder, to remind me to be in the moment.

i can't help but feel sad. no i don't have to be alone tonight, but the urban charms are woven into the night, the perfect setup for someone to fall in love. luckily it won't be me.

meantime, my libido screams: "well i WOULD come right over if my ADHD ain't cockblocked me."

i don't mean to hold out on you, but i only got enough time, consideration, affection, and intimacy for the one that i want the same from. i don't want you to fall for me XXXXX, because when you realize that I can't reciprocate, you'll just throw me away.

going to see Erykah Badu in the afternoon. still exhilarated from the John Legend concert. I want this experience to be even better. so i'm packing some popeye's chicken, and some of my pasta, and a coupla gallons of water to stay hydrated.

this weekend was more limbo. my hands are tied while i get my health problems taken care of. i need my medicaid to come through which is dependent upon me being unemployed.

in the morning i'm off to Beth Israel to speak to a financial advisor, as well as the proctologist, and also drop off those samples on the 3rd floor FINALLY.

all these things that i am too mortified to talk about to anybody. who could i possibly tell?

i had to turn down 3 job prospects because i gotta wait for my insurance.

JXXXX didn't respond back to my out-of-the-blue text. clearly the (lack of) response reads: LEAVE ME ALONE.

ambien finally making me lose even more cohesion. only wish HE was next to me, so we can enjoy the breeze together. i love you so much, dude.