surrogate

setting up.

people have been buggin' me for details, asking me how the show went, etc., obviously because they didn't attend. while i have ambivalent feelings about the whole situation, objectively i have to admit that it went very well. despite all the downs that i have been going through there's no denying that too many events are in full swing for me to be in any semblance of a slump.

a few days before the night of my performance i was already starting to get the last minute cancellations, and text messages where i was regretfully informed of changes in plans. by the tenth cancellation i had reached my threshold and snapped at number eleven, who i probably lost as a friend, but i'm not terribly sorry since they probably only wanted to get in my pants anyway. after that one instance, however, my responses were decidedly leaning more towards stony silence.

friday morning I met my workout partner and focused on back and triceps. that whole afternoon, i let my anxieties get the best of me and instead on working on my music was stressin' over who was showing up and who wasn't. thankfully i had enough material for my set, but i KNOW it could have been better, were i not so worried about the body count. all told, about 40 of my people showed up, out of the promised 70 or so, and i should have been happy on multiple counts.


with my boy Diaz.


with Amanda, Ameerah, Tatiana, Catherina, and Erica


Cat and Dom


No I didn't drink before my show. Dammit. I wanted to so badly tho!


Me and Miles


re-channeling all the bullshit into my art.

once again, first time listeners would ask me if anyone's ever told me i sound a lot like John Legend. that's why when i do covers, i avoid John Legend's songs, as much as I love his music.

the people that show are the ones that matter most, and they're the ones meant to be there, right? didn't stop me from re-evaluating certain friendships tho.





after my performance, a bunch of us ended up going to a club and chillin... i promised Andres I would show up at 2pm for the gym despite the potential hangover.

woke up saturday with my sinuses all dried out and managed to guzzle some water before napping some more. but getting up just in time to meet Andres at the gym. naturally we worked on legs while i was hungover, because it was the most hated muscle group. i felt better after tho, and went home with a clearer head.

later on i met up with miles, originally to go to a friend's birthday party in Brooklyn, but decided i didn't want to be there. except for christiaan, none of those people could be bothered to come to my first real performance. instead we chilled at a lounge for a chunk of the evening before heading home and crashing.

sunday i was late for work, after which i watched "Untraceable" with Aries (who's actually a Taurus, but hey, i'm partial to Ariens coz i'm one!) and then went home.

monday morning i woke up to meet with Andres at the gym, and then met up with Garrad for lunch at Food Bar. We talked about a bunch of things, including his book shop. It occurred to me that being an entrepreneur is a lot like being an artist. It takes so much heart and initiative, and there's a great deal of uncertainty involved. Maybe i was projecting, but i really want to see Garrad's business succeed. I want to see his community, geographic and demographic, get behind him, and support him. To that end i suggested starting a once-a-month book club that would be held out there. Nothing pretentious, and a whole lot of fun. No baking, cooking, or hosting. just keep it simple. order pizza, or buffalo wings and read fun escapist books. poke fun at each other. have a good time. and maybe just happen to support a black owned business in the bargain.

after lunch i went straight home to shower and change, and pick up my guitar for class. i was cutting it kinda close but managed to get there in time. the second week of class we learned a few chords and ran through some exercises. the more i do it the more excited i get. i am anxious to start writing more organically and often, not being limited to premade tracks. and it really helps my self esteem to have this new skill, not to mention havin' a guitar strapped to my back while walking around draws attention that is validating to me as a musician, and i feel more confident telling people as much. yeah i suck right now, but i'm learning, and that's the best part.

so i'm still truckin', keepin' busy. i have structures in place to keep me from slipping. a workout partner to get me out the house in the morning, music to write, guitar lessons, friends to snap me out of it. i don't have time for manic downswings... right?