on death and lying
i'm scared. i'm home in bed wearing a hoodie sweater and sweatpants, buried under a mountain of blankets. i don't think i have any choice but to tell SOMEbody in my family. i've isolated myself so long about my status that i seem to only be able to run to or confide in past partners that i've disclosed to about any concerns i may have about my condition. the friends that know can only do but so much. the only one that knows that drives is Blandon, and he has proven that he is no friend at all.
but i lied this time. julio had apparently been checking in on me via myspace and my blogs, and expressed concern about the latest entry. what the hell for?! in vain i tried to keep from doing the same, and only allowed myself to read his blog page on occasion, only to have the message ring loud and clear: he thinks me detrimental to his life, at least in the capacity of a date/boyfriend/situation. i get that human concern is universal, but damned if he ain't cut me off. why does he get to call the shots? why do i let him? certainly not in my life...
he called, after all this time of not accepting MY phone calls, and ignoring MY text messages, "just wanted to see if you were alright." to what end? would he have jumped on the next bus to see me? doubtful, but even if that were the case, it was not how i envisioned seeing him again. it's not like he wanted to get back together anyway. so, despite myself, i told him i was fine. i also told him to stop checking on my blogs. i don't feel like coming up with yet ANOTHER blog site name. i bet he doesn't care to change his either.
i am feverish. my head is pounding. i feel fatigued. the smallest actions drain me. i don't feel like i'm getting enough air in my lungs, and it hurts to breathe deeper. i am sweating but still shivering uncontrollably. i can't sleep as a result, and have been awake for the last 36 hours because i'm trying to keep from taking any more ambien. but my doctor is on vacation, and after telling him that i thought it may have just been a panic attack, calling him on his cellphone feels like i'm just crying wolf.
my family is at my sister's house, and i am home alone. and i am scared. i don't know who to tell or talk to. there is no one to comfort me.
this morning i crawled out of bed long enough to grab my laptop on a hunch. my heart sank as i listed the symptoms i was feeling over at WebMD. reading through the various potentials i swallowed painfully, and decided i was going to at least tell my little sister. i didn't want to die alone.
please let it just be a flu, and not pneumonia.
but i lied this time. julio had apparently been checking in on me via myspace and my blogs, and expressed concern about the latest entry. what the hell for?! in vain i tried to keep from doing the same, and only allowed myself to read his blog page on occasion, only to have the message ring loud and clear: he thinks me detrimental to his life, at least in the capacity of a date/boyfriend/situation. i get that human concern is universal, but damned if he ain't cut me off. why does he get to call the shots? why do i let him? certainly not in my life...
he called, after all this time of not accepting MY phone calls, and ignoring MY text messages, "just wanted to see if you were alright." to what end? would he have jumped on the next bus to see me? doubtful, but even if that were the case, it was not how i envisioned seeing him again. it's not like he wanted to get back together anyway. so, despite myself, i told him i was fine. i also told him to stop checking on my blogs. i don't feel like coming up with yet ANOTHER blog site name. i bet he doesn't care to change his either.
i am feverish. my head is pounding. i feel fatigued. the smallest actions drain me. i don't feel like i'm getting enough air in my lungs, and it hurts to breathe deeper. i am sweating but still shivering uncontrollably. i can't sleep as a result, and have been awake for the last 36 hours because i'm trying to keep from taking any more ambien. but my doctor is on vacation, and after telling him that i thought it may have just been a panic attack, calling him on his cellphone feels like i'm just crying wolf.
my family is at my sister's house, and i am home alone. and i am scared. i don't know who to tell or talk to. there is no one to comfort me.
this morning i crawled out of bed long enough to grab my laptop on a hunch. my heart sank as i listed the symptoms i was feeling over at WebMD. reading through the various potentials i swallowed painfully, and decided i was going to at least tell my little sister. i didn't want to die alone.
please let it just be a flu, and not pneumonia.
posted by edjamuhkaytedqt at 9:36 AM
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