Thursday, December 20, 2007

a sad commentary on the state of our country's healthcare?

was it a sad commentary on the state of our country's healthcare system?

maybe, but my country was the last thing on my mind around 9:50PM. i was taking my weekly prescribed shot intramuscularly in the privacy of my bathroom where there were mirrors aplenty. i've never gotten used to the needles. i always gotta do something to "fool" myself, or distract myself before injecting, but it's been over a year now that i've been doing it. nothing out of the ordinary, you could almost say... for me anyway...

10 seconds later my vision started to darken a little bit, and my chest constrict. my throat tightened and i coughed involuntarily. what the fuck?! before my thought could complete the f-word i coughed again. and again. i couldn't breath because my throat kept spasming. i had no clue what was going on and i was scared. the coughs came more violently and my chest and throat were hurting, but stupid me i was almost more concerned about what the ambulatory bill would cost should i call emergency (this has happened before when i had my jaw fractured and cringed at the bill) than my own survival.

in my state of panic, my brain scrambled for who the fuck to call. it kept shying away from the obvious: family. no one was home, but it didn't matter because i didn't want them to know anything was wrong. i've fooled myself into believing that i had kept them in the dark for the past 3 years, and i wasn't about to let this change my M.O. how stupid is that, right? so i started thinking about who knew about my situation that drove...

why did i start calling javier? the guy that broke my jaw straight down middle? thankfully i came to my senses and hung up, then proceeded to call Blandon, someone who, despite our random conflicts, i considered a good friend. Of course he told me to call 911. am i the only one that charges blindly onto the scene to save the day? why everybody else gotta make sense?

of course my logic went along a different path. i'm already shit deep in debt. i really didn't want to end up having to shell out more money that i didn't have, or have to ask anybody else to help me out with it after the fact, either. hastily i put on my clothes, hurt that blandon didn't offer to be right over. i'll just take a cab, then. my second thought was that i hope i ain't passed out while in a state of half-dress...

my third phone call, finally was to my doctor. i struggled to explain my condition. naturally, he, too, insisted i call 911. reluctantly i agreed, then hung up the phone and continued dressing. lord, please let me at least have SOME dignity, i prayed. the phone rang again and i glanced quickly at the caller id (julio? i thought wildly, before i could pull the thought back into the dark recesses of my brain from which it came) and mentally snorted in disgust when i saw it was just blandon (*smacks forehead*). i ignored it, resentful. a few seconds later it rang again and this time it was my doctor:

"What is your address?"

Huh? Dumbly i recited it between coughs, only to realize that he was calling the ambulance on my behalf. so much for fatalism! i nodded my assent to nobody in particular, and resignedly continued to dress, making sure i packed my iPod and phone, along with their respective chargers, bracing myself for a long night. i also called work to tell them there was a good chance i was not coming in.

sirens blared in the distance. hurriedly i threw on sweat pants and sneakers. a hooded sweater pulled over my head and a buttoned up bubble vest completed the outfit. good thing it wasn't as cold as the night before because i wouldn't have been prepared, but all i could think about was keeping whatever attention i was drawing (or going to draw) to a minumum. i ran outside the co-op building hoping to intercept the ambulance and circumvent the possibility of uniformed civil servants stomping up to the front door and ringing the bell, asking for ME.

the ambulance pulled up to the apartment building, and i waved them down as the first EMT exited the vehicle from the driver's side. after i identified myself, the EMTs ushered me in, taking my blood pressure and checking my lungs. by that time i was starting to calm down, and started apologizing profusely, embarrassed. questions concerning my health ensued, and thankfully they were satisfied with my answers, because they let me off after i signed a form waiving transport to the nearest hospital.

i then went back inside and called work to tell them that i would indeed be coming in to work. my chest was still sore, as was one side of my jaw from all the coughing and heaving, and any heavy breaths would bring on a fresh onslaught of the same. still, what did it matter? whether i stayed home and called out sick to recover, or lick my wounds at work in the dead of night, i would still be all alone.

in the morning, i will go to the doctor's office after to make sure everything is okay.

----------------------------------------------------------------

i don't want to be the new face
but it's too late
i'm my only representation
these days

ain't tryin to spark no debate
or rehash the things that others say
i just want to be myself
and it be okay.

the new face by dominic * san juan

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