you only think about yourself.
there was a point in the last month where i would be driven by my anger, but all i have in the last few days is lethargy. i don't want to do anything. i'm hella depressed, but i don't want to drink, i don't want to go on anti-depressants. how i feel is how i feel, and i don't ever want it to be less than genuine.
i'd be bored at work, with just the internet for company, and would start to type "adam..." only to remember that i had taken the account down, along with all the others. what's the point? what's the point of any of it? right now it's 10pm... i can't find the will to go to the gym before work tonight...
it's so debilitating...
all i feel like doing is writing more music, more songs, trying to articulate everything i'm feeling and condensing it into a format under five minutes to share with the general public. why? why now when i'm at a low? because anything outside of that would sound pathetic, and "too much information." the one i really want to share it with has turned a deaf ear to me.
come to think of it though, he never really expressed any interest in that facet of me. how could i have let that slide? my music is a very important part of me, and i was happy to gloss it over because it didn't matter when i had HIM on the brain. his excuse was that he wasn't sure if i'd be sensitive about my shit, given the M.O. of his OTHER exes, as if to say THEY did anything with their art except talk about it. what, THEY got a myspace page with their own written music on it? they go out to open mics and tell you they would like for you to be there? no, i'm pretty sure i'm the only one actively doin' anything about it. but yet again, it was one more thing you needed to be hit over the head with. like i had to get on a bullhorn for you to be considerate.
somehow *i* became the one with the problems though. *i* was the one you had to remove from the equation. the one that your gut (and your wack ass SINGLE gurlfriends-- i ain't gotta tell YOU that misery loves company...) "screamed" at you that i was detrimental to your well-being. that i was the one at fault.
and perhaps the greatest fault--the most heinous crime-- that *i* committed, was to myself. i forgot my own worth. i forgot that there are things that i deserve. that i am worth the effort it takes to maintain a long distance relationship. worth spending time with. worth the thoughtful phone call. worth being in a REAL relationship with. why the fuck are you trying to call it a relationship now? even your language reflects your distaste for it. you referred to it, when you finally admitted to it BEING a relationship, as "that" relationship, not "our" relationship. i deserved better. i still do.
doesn't change the fact that i really did love you. or that i still do. but i DO know what i'm worth.
i am a truly warm, thoughtful, considerate, disgustingly talented, incredibly intelligent, funny, attractive, and sincere man, admittedly with some shit to work through. i have been hurt, invalidated, dismissed, passed over, broken, stabbed in the back, and been dumped. and it's happened again.
i'd be bored at work, with just the internet for company, and would start to type "adam..." only to remember that i had taken the account down, along with all the others. what's the point? what's the point of any of it? right now it's 10pm... i can't find the will to go to the gym before work tonight...
it's so debilitating...
all i feel like doing is writing more music, more songs, trying to articulate everything i'm feeling and condensing it into a format under five minutes to share with the general public. why? why now when i'm at a low? because anything outside of that would sound pathetic, and "too much information." the one i really want to share it with has turned a deaf ear to me.
come to think of it though, he never really expressed any interest in that facet of me. how could i have let that slide? my music is a very important part of me, and i was happy to gloss it over because it didn't matter when i had HIM on the brain. his excuse was that he wasn't sure if i'd be sensitive about my shit, given the M.O. of his OTHER exes, as if to say THEY did anything with their art except talk about it. what, THEY got a myspace page with their own written music on it? they go out to open mics and tell you they would like for you to be there? no, i'm pretty sure i'm the only one actively doin' anything about it. but yet again, it was one more thing you needed to be hit over the head with. like i had to get on a bullhorn for you to be considerate.
somehow *i* became the one with the problems though. *i* was the one you had to remove from the equation. the one that your gut (and your wack ass SINGLE gurlfriends-- i ain't gotta tell YOU that misery loves company...) "screamed" at you that i was detrimental to your well-being. that i was the one at fault.
and perhaps the greatest fault--the most heinous crime-- that *i* committed, was to myself. i forgot my own worth. i forgot that there are things that i deserve. that i am worth the effort it takes to maintain a long distance relationship. worth spending time with. worth the thoughtful phone call. worth being in a REAL relationship with. why the fuck are you trying to call it a relationship now? even your language reflects your distaste for it. you referred to it, when you finally admitted to it BEING a relationship, as "that" relationship, not "our" relationship. i deserved better. i still do.
doesn't change the fact that i really did love you. or that i still do. but i DO know what i'm worth.
i am a truly warm, thoughtful, considerate, disgustingly talented, incredibly intelligent, funny, attractive, and sincere man, admittedly with some shit to work through. i have been hurt, invalidated, dismissed, passed over, broken, stabbed in the back, and been dumped. and it's happened again.
posted by edjamuhkaytedqt at 9:42 PM
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