weblog 11092007-1
last week i tried checking out an AA meeting. some of it was like what i saw on TV. the main difference was that it was me walking in. it was good that i went, if only because it was brought to my attention that i am not an alcoholic. i am no more abusive with alcohol than with anything else that would be deemed potentially self-destructive. yes, there were many things i needed to change about myself, but AA, apparently, was not the answer... i got the impression that some of the people there kinda were rollin' their eyes at me.
i started therapy today. nothing really got done. the first time is usually a whole lotta nothing, mainly decompressing and bring the therapist up to speed on where you are, and what you hope to get out of it. i didn't know where to start.
i talked about how lost i felt. how terrible i've been feeling. how isolated. expressed concern over goin' crazy, becoming somebody's sob story. no longer being "Dominic" but dismissed as drama.
was i so bad? did i treat you poorly?
work ended on a stressful note. i was exhausted by the time i got to therapy at 9am at Callen Lord, after which i went down one flight to where joshua's office was. we chatted for a bit, and while going through my check-in sheet for therapy realized that my emergency contact was still javier. crazy. although at this point irrelevant. feeling the way i did i had to force myself to care, and had joshua change it to my mom's information.
wearily i headed back home and promptly crashed, minus the ambien. woke up around 5:30pm, only because Diana texted me to remind me about dinner. i was drained and tired still but was up for it, since i haven't seen her in a while. i didn't want to go to whatever workshop she wanted me to go to with her tho, and asked if i could just meet her later for dinner. she sounded put off by that, and just said we'd chill some other time. good job, Dominic.
i could've gone back to sleep since i was so tired, but was also afraid of lethargy taking over... it would be so easy to just let it all go, but i reminded myself i would be the only one that cared if anything bad happened, and why should i let myself down like that? yes, i feel like shit, yes i'm depressed, yes i am disgustingly still in love with Julio, but i needed to keep myself occupied.
so again i went to the gym. after i went home and made myself some dinner. tito was home so i went upstairs to have a talk with him. i decided i was too volatile to make any decision about moving to his place and subleasing, and confided all of my anxieties. feeling like a second class citizen because of my status. not feeling i had a right to complain or want anything from anybody.
i may very well be moving back home to Queens by the time Thanksgiving rolls around... i really don't want to have the dinner anymore... not without him...
what am i doing? i know he ain't thinking about me. he has basically shut me out. why am i in denial about it???
please... work it out with me...
i started therapy today. nothing really got done. the first time is usually a whole lotta nothing, mainly decompressing and bring the therapist up to speed on where you are, and what you hope to get out of it. i didn't know where to start.
i talked about how lost i felt. how terrible i've been feeling. how isolated. expressed concern over goin' crazy, becoming somebody's sob story. no longer being "Dominic" but dismissed as drama.
was i so bad? did i treat you poorly?
work ended on a stressful note. i was exhausted by the time i got to therapy at 9am at Callen Lord, after which i went down one flight to where joshua's office was. we chatted for a bit, and while going through my check-in sheet for therapy realized that my emergency contact was still javier. crazy. although at this point irrelevant. feeling the way i did i had to force myself to care, and had joshua change it to my mom's information.
wearily i headed back home and promptly crashed, minus the ambien. woke up around 5:30pm, only because Diana texted me to remind me about dinner. i was drained and tired still but was up for it, since i haven't seen her in a while. i didn't want to go to whatever workshop she wanted me to go to with her tho, and asked if i could just meet her later for dinner. she sounded put off by that, and just said we'd chill some other time. good job, Dominic.
i could've gone back to sleep since i was so tired, but was also afraid of lethargy taking over... it would be so easy to just let it all go, but i reminded myself i would be the only one that cared if anything bad happened, and why should i let myself down like that? yes, i feel like shit, yes i'm depressed, yes i am disgustingly still in love with Julio, but i needed to keep myself occupied.
so again i went to the gym. after i went home and made myself some dinner. tito was home so i went upstairs to have a talk with him. i decided i was too volatile to make any decision about moving to his place and subleasing, and confided all of my anxieties. feeling like a second class citizen because of my status. not feeling i had a right to complain or want anything from anybody.
i may very well be moving back home to Queens by the time Thanksgiving rolls around... i really don't want to have the dinner anymore... not without him...
what am i doing? i know he ain't thinking about me. he has basically shut me out. why am i in denial about it???
please... work it out with me...
posted by edjamuhkaytedqt at 2:49 AM
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