weblog 10252007
i woke up this morning around 5:30am, tried going back to sleep, then woke up an hour later. hungry i made some pancakes then went back to sleep. my only main goal of the day was to replace my lost social security card, which i did around noon, then went home, fixed some lunch, then went to sleep. took a few hours before i was actually unconscious, so i wasn't surprised that i was late for work.
over the course of the last couple of weeks, and as the weather called for it, i had been wearing julio's jacket. if people left psychic imprints on personal items, his blue nike track jacket was probably the only thing i had of his that bore any significant trace of him, and i was desperate for any kind of contact, real or imagined.
as i laid in bed, awake, i conjured up a scenario of the potentially last day with him. a dull ache resurfaced somewhere under my rib cage. what was i supposed to say?
i practice different things to say, trying not to come off needy, angry, passive aggressive. trying to sound dignified, but still honest. i will try not to say out loud how much i will miss him, or how sad i am. wishful thinking that he would at the last minute change his mind and decide i'm worth it, and grab for me, holding me close. sometimes nothing is more eloquent than saying nothing at all. So that's it then, a smile, an embrace
________________________________________________________________
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS cont'd: Don't Take Anything Personally
I glance at the back cover where the author, don Miguel Ruiz, has a photograph of himself, and i want to black it out. I almost, and irrationally i know, resent him for being so damn happy. For being able to touch something in Julio that i never will. So what am i doing? Why am I reading this damn thing? Just because Julio asked me to? Admittedly, Ramon had gifted it to me earlier in the year for my birthday, but had never gotten around to reading it. I had always been looking to improve my lot, but i really hate being preached to.
So i have to make a conscious effort not to shoot the messenger.
This is bullshit. I am angry and trying not to be. Reading this book is pissing me off and I'm trying my damnedest to accept what truths may come from it. Mostly because I'm trying to apply it to my situation with Julio and I'm not hopeful about the end result.
So far what I'm getting from the Four Agreements is what I knew all along: I have no control over anybody else's actions or thoughts. My problem is that I keep trying to modify my own thoughts and actions to make the situation work because I have convinced myself that the situation is what i want for myself. But isn't what I really want to be happy? Not being true to myself clearly diverges from that desire. I must find the strength to go for what I truly want for myself. In the case of a relationship, someone that actually looks out for me, cares about me, and relishes showing it. Someone who takes time out to check in with me, and makes a conscious effort to spend time with me, and gladly.
in the meantime, and until that happens, i will try not to plan my days, weekends, free time around when Julio is available. i will do things because i want to do them. fuck it, if i want to see him i will go see him and carry on with the understanding that there are no outward ripples or repercussions. nothing i say or do will amount to it ever going anywhere.
Don't Make Assumptions
What I'm coming away with from this chapter is that it's basically okay to ask for what I want. I must try to be stronger and not get offended when i am turned down for asking for the things that i want. it certainly takes trust out of the equation, doesn't it?
You can't always get what you want. I can't always get what I want. Or maybe, what I want isn't going to be found where I thought it would. Refocus, in the meantime. I have been neglecting myself. Why do I do that?
My passions tend to go hand in hand though. My life feeds my art. My passion. This is one of those many moments i wished i had easier aspirations. Like be a fireman. Not to mention I'd be in better shape.
over the course of the last couple of weeks, and as the weather called for it, i had been wearing julio's jacket. if people left psychic imprints on personal items, his blue nike track jacket was probably the only thing i had of his that bore any significant trace of him, and i was desperate for any kind of contact, real or imagined.
as i laid in bed, awake, i conjured up a scenario of the potentially last day with him. a dull ache resurfaced somewhere under my rib cage. what was i supposed to say?
i practice different things to say, trying not to come off needy, angry, passive aggressive. trying to sound dignified, but still honest. i will try not to say out loud how much i will miss him, or how sad i am. wishful thinking that he would at the last minute change his mind and decide i'm worth it, and grab for me, holding me close. sometimes nothing is more eloquent than saying nothing at all. So that's it then, a smile, an embrace
________________________________________________________________
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS cont'd: Don't Take Anything Personally
I glance at the back cover where the author, don Miguel Ruiz, has a photograph of himself, and i want to black it out. I almost, and irrationally i know, resent him for being so damn happy. For being able to touch something in Julio that i never will. So what am i doing? Why am I reading this damn thing? Just because Julio asked me to? Admittedly, Ramon had gifted it to me earlier in the year for my birthday, but had never gotten around to reading it. I had always been looking to improve my lot, but i really hate being preached to.
So i have to make a conscious effort not to shoot the messenger.
This is bullshit. I am angry and trying not to be. Reading this book is pissing me off and I'm trying my damnedest to accept what truths may come from it. Mostly because I'm trying to apply it to my situation with Julio and I'm not hopeful about the end result.
So far what I'm getting from the Four Agreements is what I knew all along: I have no control over anybody else's actions or thoughts. My problem is that I keep trying to modify my own thoughts and actions to make the situation work because I have convinced myself that the situation is what i want for myself. But isn't what I really want to be happy? Not being true to myself clearly diverges from that desire. I must find the strength to go for what I truly want for myself. In the case of a relationship, someone that actually looks out for me, cares about me, and relishes showing it. Someone who takes time out to check in with me, and makes a conscious effort to spend time with me, and gladly.
in the meantime, and until that happens, i will try not to plan my days, weekends, free time around when Julio is available. i will do things because i want to do them. fuck it, if i want to see him i will go see him and carry on with the understanding that there are no outward ripples or repercussions. nothing i say or do will amount to it ever going anywhere.
Don't Make Assumptions
What I'm coming away with from this chapter is that it's basically okay to ask for what I want. I must try to be stronger and not get offended when i am turned down for asking for the things that i want. it certainly takes trust out of the equation, doesn't it?
You can't always get what you want. I can't always get what I want. Or maybe, what I want isn't going to be found where I thought it would. Refocus, in the meantime. I have been neglecting myself. Why do I do that?
My passions tend to go hand in hand though. My life feeds my art. My passion. This is one of those many moments i wished i had easier aspirations. Like be a fireman. Not to mention I'd be in better shape.
posted by edjamuhkaytedqt at 1:28 AM
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