weblog 10222007-2

okay. so it turns out you have to register with that temp agency via the internet, try to apply for the job that you're interested in, and THEN they'll see if you might be a match. So i registered. filled out ALL the crap, and some more crap to go. i got as far as the "references" section, but i didn't have an updated reference sheet. i did a search through my old yahoo account that i used looking for references, and would up walkin' down memory lane at some correspondences i had with the last person that broke my heart.

i miss being made to feel special.

i need to stick to my guns and take my ass to the gym after this, don't i? not to mention all the other things i said i would do.

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Things goin' through my head as i'm reading "The Four Agreements"

Chapter One

-Domestication and the Dream of the Planet. I wasn't feelin' this chapter. Too many metaphors.
-interestingly enough, my image of perfection doesn't exactly please very many people in my world. the conflict comes because i covet approval, but want it on my terms, all the while believing it to be unrealistic.
-what agreements within myself are fear-based? how can i overcome them?

Chapter Two: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

-i am always going on about accountability and responsibility for my actions. but i admit to placing a lot of judgment and blame on myself when i do those things...

-there are so many things that i know/want/know to be true about myself, but FEAR that if i speak them that they will be ridiculed by others, mostly because that has been my experience. i KNOW i am talented. i KNOW i am beautiful. i KNOW i deserve love. i KNOW i am intelligent. i have trouble trusting that people are willing or able to see those things in me, though. can i be strong enough to make them see? sometimes i fear that people will perceive me as being arrogant if i were to say those things aloud. it calls to mind that Mandela speech... it's so hard to claim personal power, indeed.

-what can i do, what practices or exercises, to grow to be impeccable with my word? i remember these daily affirmations that they tell you to do in "The Artist's Way" (yet one more self help book that i never finished).
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i'm not going to the gym tonight. i feel so drained.

tomorrow i will be free after i babysit nina. i entertained the idea of jumping on a bus down to be with julio. he has plans though, and i refuse to be an imposition.

sadly everybody bailed on my side of the six flags excursion. i really wanted to go though. *sigh*

i already told him that i'm giving him until the end of november to decide if he wants to take the "situation" to the next level, whatever that is, after that i give up. again, i just don't trust that he would choose me. if i did, i would have given him shorter notice. this extra time... is more for me... guess i'm just giving myself time to let go... i'll be cryin' like a bitch for months after. damn christmas is gonna suck.