you know what's funny?

for the first time, i ain't shittin' on my looks... i don't blame bein' bad lookin' (or rather, somebody else being BETTER looking). i don't feel especially like a loser. friends and acquaintances are tryin' to get ahold of me to hang out, reconnect. i don't lack for attention. i don't feel especially stupid, or untalented...

i am just straight up... sad. why is it so bad that i want to share everything going on with me, mostly the good things, with him?

and still... i can't shake the feeling that he's relieved that i'm out of the picture... now he can live his life according to his plans... no more wrenches... no sidetracking... he's got his whole life ahead of him. i actually want to be happy for him. but i miss him dearly... right now i have to admit it's debilitating... i know he'd not think well of someone who couldn't function optimally because of some guy, even if the guy is him...

but damn i just wish i could take it all back. just shut up and front like i'm happy with whatever i get from him. i won't even have him come up here anymore. it'll be just a once a week, overnight arrangement... no interaction necessary in between, over the week.... i'll just take it for what it is... a chance to get away from all my home drama... lord knows i could really use it.

how could i have let my guard down?????

and now what? what the hell would i say anyway? "can we get back together?" we weren't even together in the first place! is it any less a relationship? no. but ANYTHING can be called a relationship. a FRIENDSHIP is a relationship. a FUCK BUDDY is a relationship. WHAT are--i mean, WERE we? and can i ever get it back?