i keep...

i keep going on these stupid hookup sites. but everytime somebody hits me up, especially anyone that might be deemed "attractive" i just get nauseous... i don't want any of it, much less actually meet people, but i can't help myself... feeling so empty inside...

i could've gone out last night. i could still go out before work tonight. but for what? it would be the same effect, saving that i would actually have to expend energy to leave the house, and the likelihood of my well-being deteriorating would increase.

i don't know how i can deal with this, especially while at work. monday i was in a daze trying to keep it together. i put in my bid for shifting to the day shift and was more or less shot down. is it worth it to even try anymore? should i look for something else?

my leg won't stop shaking. i'm freaking out. i have no desire to drink it away. i don't especially feel like hurting myself... i don't even want an escape... i feel lost, and alone and running in circles... the sites are so stupid, but i keep checking in on them anyway. isn't that the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result?

i am going to see my goddaughter today... by midnight i will delete my accounts, yes, AGAIN, but with the understanding that i don't want to be insane.