How many bullets can I dodge, I wonder, before one finds it's mark. A shot to the ego, a shot to the heart. Jeff got me another free pass tonight to be late. I just gotta stay till about 10AM, which is fine, if Christian is amenable to a quick lunch. I want to see him, kind of like I did with Tarek. I'm feeling kind of sad. Melancholy. How many crushes can a heart hold in a year? Troy invited me to go to Fire Island for the weekend. I wonder how many guys are goin' with. It is as good an excuse as any to go somewhere and not have free time on my hands that I would otherwise waste wondering when I can see Christian again. Hence the quickie date. 2 hours max and I'm out the door to head home and pack. As much as I'd love to show off my culinary skills I'd like to focus on talking and getting to know him better. Stop trying to sell yourself on him, focus on learning his story. His likes and dislikes. I called after I got off work to follow up. Unfortunately, he was going to be busy taking his little brother shopping. It will be a full weekend for him. I need to not think about it anymore or my insecurities will kick in and fall prey to doubt. He owes you nothing, Dominic. So shorts, flip flops, I dunno. My meds. I hope they don't mind if I mostly sleep and tan. I don't want to meet anybody new. Maybe I can watch the game and drink my tea... 5:41PM Okay, SERIOUSLY?? I am on the LIRR right now. Met with Troy and I had a feeling I was Plan B because you don't text somebody out of nowhere that STOPPED speaking to you coz of your flaky ways and ask them to go with you to the middle of nowhere at the last minute. Delicious irony? His Plan A that he decided to dead was JULIO! We only found out just now and it's not something that I care to rehash. Woooosaaah. But I am angry at myself that I walked into that particular bit of awkwardness. There is bad blood between us. And I want it out of my system. If I knew this going in I would have stayed my ass home. Why am I here? I didn't want to be here but I hate coming off flaky. I always stick to the plan. I also needed a distraction from Christian. Trying not to fixate. And you know what? I foolishly trusted that everything would transpire smoothly. Instead he wanted to act like he knew what the fuck he was doing and where he was going and he clearly didn't. I hate calling attention to myself and looking like two lost colored people on this island of white people. I resent being at the mercy of another. I need to feel my independence. I'll take the next boat out, or at least document the actual directions. So far to my knowledge we are on "Sky Walk" door #318 and for the life of me can't remember my hosts name (It's Jay & Mark) Complete 180 degree shift. Once we were settled in I just let it go. We had dinner Friday night. Drinks, then some weed. Totally unnecessary. Troy is such a cutie. He needs to lose that damn weight though. But I appreciate spending the weekend with him. Woke up around 5:30am Saturday morning and walked around. Chilled in the hot tub. Walked along the shore oceanside. Saw the sun come up. Soaked in the solitude. Came back and had breakfast with Jay and Troy. Tea, oatmeal, toast. Then we got some groceries for lunch. Amazing hot dogs! Damn. And chips and stuff. I am not helping my voice being here. I really need to take a real break and not do anything. No parties no talking no drinking. Just rest and the gym and maybe hopefully some face time with Christian. Then me and Troy walked around some more on the beach. Chilled in the hot tub. Snapped CRAZY photos and video, then chilled some more before going to the various "Tea" parties that I gather Fire Island is known for. There was some dork that played himself in the middle of my convo with Troy and I kinda just dissed him. But he really pissed me off when he tried "fixing" my cap for me so that the bill would be straight forward. I put it back to the side and told him rather snarkily that he needn't worry himself over it because my appearance wasn't designed to target his particular demographic. He then did the whole "what do you do and how do you know Jay" line of conversation that I hate. The guy goes "So we know he's a banker, and I'm a lawyer, and you are..?" So I respond: "I... am someone that finds it tacky to ask what people do when they first meet them." The guy dismissed himself, finally. That was just the first party. When we moved on to the other parties I gradually started to relax more and settle into my buzz. So by the time we got to the venue where DJ Lina was spinning I was ready to do some hardcore dancing and wildin' out. And pretty much act stoopid. Troy pretty much finishes our battle with the booty shake since I am totally incapable, but we put on a good show. I think we may very well get another invite LOL. Which begs the question: what are my priorities, here? Why HAVEN'T I paid better care for my vocal chords? And work. Can they please just tell me that they'll pass me up already so I can get it out of my system??? Last night I got to release a lot of that tension into the atmosphere. I got to act up because I didn't care who was watching. I was happy to entertain my hosts and just feel good. The other house guests were Will and Stuart, another older couple that have been together for 10 years. I don't know what they do but apparently they got clout in the (white) gay community. I'd really rather be schmoozing through Troy, I think, and just be his wingman. I need to otherwise just take this trip for what it is. This morning I woke up at 5:30 AGAIN and am nursing some seltzer water in the hopes of offsetting the damage I've wrought upon my poor throat. What do I do? I'm barely making money at work. I feel so lame compared to all these other people. I need to step my game up, seriously. Finally home! Hungry and need to take my ass to bed. 8:55PM Downshift. Feeling kinda sad. Back to this graveyard shift, I don't know what to do... I need to distract myself from thinking about Christian.