Didn't go! Just wound up at g lounge. Which is pretty much all she wrote. You know how they tell kids that if they get lost or are separated from their parents to stay in one place? That's EXACTLY the philosophy I adopted. Nursed my drink and regardless to whatever I felt like I was at least in a safe space, know both the security team and Brandon. I didn't feel obligated to get wasted. And I just chilled, allowing people and situations to drift in and on and past. This lil guy who introduced himself as Frank was interested. I couldn't tell you if I was or I wasn't. I mean I was attracted enough but since I am not exactly of a mindset to hook up on the fly versus getting to know people I felt obligated to be polite, but had no desire to Mack on him like that. Brandon set it off with some vodka and seltzer. I was trying to at least not go overboard with fucking my voice up, and I think I did okay. Peter Afriye showed up with his on-the-way-out boyfriend "Corey" and we talked for a little while. Played catch up. I was ballsy enough to come out my face about something that I'd been curious about. I always want to know the dynamics of other people's relationships. The names were never important because I just wanted to know where I go wrong in MY relationships. I wanted insight on how I can be a better person in a relationship as well as if and when it ends. How does one comport oneself in the fallout? In the middle of our conversation I was feeling a lil sweaty under my cap and calculatedly, artfully, swept it off my head, not unlike how a woman blessed with long flowing hair unleashes it upon the world around her by releasing it from a ponytail. Minus the slow motion. Okay maybe a little slow motion, but like, you know, a DUDE, would do it, you know? Coyly I looked up and happened to make eye contact with some guy across the bar who bore the full brunt of my siren song. I grinned, a mélange of innocence and insolence, aware but like a child still delighted at its effect. Dumbstruck he grinned back. The next move should have been an introduction but I punked out. It was a white boy after all! What would I do with that??? 8:41am So I'm in a Malibu driving into Long Island for the beach. With Manny Lopez, of all people! How random is that? Right now we're by the shore laid out listening to some of my Jazz playlist... Perfect for what I needed. Last night I rewarded myself with a little outing to g and had a coupla drinks but I really shouldn't have. I REALLY need to do laundry when I get back. This feels amazing though. The breeze and the sun are doing a number on my ego... I thought I wouldn't last so long with the heat being oppressive but it's a great combo. The sound of the waves crashing. Sigh.

So it's official. I didn't get the position. I'm okay with it and I'm not. The trap is in letting your ego convince you that you deserve the position more than anybody else. Certainly not some punk kid. Gotta quiet those thoughts down though. Focus on the good. Yesterday Christian bailed on our breakfast date. The checkout lady at Whole Foods and Robert at the Chemist Shop must have caught the memo and felt sorry for me because they didn't charge me for the sprouted wheat hot dog buns and Gold Bond medicated powder, respectively. I still continue to do well at work, promotion notwithstanding. Great interactions with customers, consistent attachment rates. I like what I do. I need to stop letting these motherfuckers lull me into comparing myself to other people. Hell yeah, I'm better, but fuck it. At the end of the day I ain't got it and the bottom line is I gotta GET it, not complain about someone getting something over me. Gotta shave my head. Jovanni came by last night to trade in his case and invited me to come through the following morning and work out with him. The interaction satisfied my need for company and conversation. I even got a free protein shake out of it. Was supposed to meet with Jeff for the beach but it was his turn to be manic, I guess. I have my first rehearsal tonight which I'm unprepared for so I gotta print out the lyrics and download the songs. Then sleep. Maybe Jeff will agree to meet then. I dunno. Jovanni invited me to go to chill with him while he bartends at P3LIGRO at Element. Maybe I'll take Troy and Jason with me. Yeah that's the plan. 6:20pm En route to Fort Green, listening to the disco playlist i was supposed to have been listening to and memorizing "my" songs. I woke up feeling drained. Barely two hours of rest and I am freaking out about the rash spreading. My dumb ass don't know how to stop scratching, much less jerk off. What I really want to do is rest/sleep some more, do my laundry, and administer my past due shots. I don't know how much the changes in my body's chemistry is fucking shit up. Instead I downed an energy shot and threw on some shorts and a t-shirt. Hopefully they'll look at me and agree that I look like shit and I'll get a free pass to not have my shit together. Maybe I can pull a few strings so that I'm off Sunday, but realistically that won't happen. Especially now that I have officially made friends with Jovanni and agreed to keep him company while he works Saturday night. Like THAT's such a strain, but in light of my current health issues, yeah, it really is. I ran out of underwear coz i'm way past due on laundry. It was either the gauze hospital underwear I kept for sentimental value from that one time I got a biopsy done in 2008 just before I started working at Apple, or my Calvin Klein jock strap. Or commando (Aww, hell to the naw!). Either way i'm still feeling kinda exposed. I just need to suck it up and get some muthafuckin underwear. CHEAP ones, ya vain bastard! No one need see them coz you've effectively been slapped with a chastity belt by God. I tried sleeping sans pharmaceuticals and slept restlessly, having crazy kinky dreams incorporating random people. Like Tim Wright from the Genius Bar, of all people!!! Anyway finally around 5am I gave in and got up doing nothing in particular, downing my Xanax and ambien by 9:30. Dumbass George couldn't figure the gate out so he didn't come in, supposedly. Blah. Whatever. I am so hatin' on people flaking out on me. Aargh. Woke up around 8pm. Too late for much of anything, and I was committed to showin love to Ariel's send off. I just found it incredibly tacky for Tarynn to turn it into a big fucking apple event like it was really that serious. I want to slap her sometimes. The word obnoxious comes to mind. But I guess she's trying to be inclusive as befits the Apple way. So I am on the F train on my way to Le Lupanar, camera in tow. Party should be in full swing by now so I'll have some propranolol to control the shakes and "perform" on a whole different level altogether. Stay for a half hour and snap up as much footage as possible. Then bounce out to wherever Erskine is. I seriously need to wash my clothes though. Down to a jock strap for cryin out loud!!!! Must it always take THAT for me to come to my senses? Getting sleepy. I pulled together some jeans, Richie's Marc Jacobs tee, and my cap. Simple works but I was just grateful to have THAT. Over the JOCK STRAP. Sheesh. The F Word moved to Splash. That means my card will get me entry.

Complete 180 degree shift. Once we were settled in I just let it go. We had dinner Friday night. Drinks, then some weed. Totally unnecessary. Troy is such a cutie. He needs to lose that damn weight though. But I appreciate spending the weekend with him. Woke up around 5:30am Saturday morning and walked around. Chilled in the hot tub. Walked along the shore oceanside. Saw the sun come up. Soaked in the solitude. Came back and had breakfast with Jay and Troy. Tea, oatmeal, toast. Then we got some groceries for lunch. Amazing hot dogs! Damn. And chips and stuff. I am not helping my voice being here. I really need to take a real break and not do anything. No parties no talking no drinking. Just rest and the gym and maybe hopefully some face time with Christian. Then me and Troy walked around some more on the beach. Chilled in the hot tub. Snapped CRAZY photos and video, then chilled some more before going to the various "Tea" parties that I gather Fire Island is known for. There was some dork that played himself in the middle of my convo with Troy and I kinda just dissed him. But he really pissed me off when he tried "fixing" my cap for me so that the bill would be straight forward. I put it back to the side and told him rather snarkily that he needn't worry himself over it because my appearance wasn't designed to target his particular demographic. He then did the whole "what do you do and how do you know Jay" line of conversation that I hate. The guy goes "So we know he's a banker, and I'm a lawyer, and you are..?" So I respond: "I... am someone that finds it tacky to ask what people do when they first meet them." The guy dismissed himself, finally. That was just the first party. When we moved on to the other parties I gradually started to relax more and settle into my buzz. So by the time we got to the venue where DJ Lina was spinning I was ready to do some hardcore dancing and wildin' out. And pretty much act stoopid. Troy pretty much finishes our battle with the booty shake since I am totally incapable, but we put on a good show. I think we may very well get another invite LOL. Which begs the question: what are my priorities, here? Why HAVEN'T I paid better care for my vocal chords? And work. Can they please just tell me that they'll pass me up already so I can get it out of my system??? Last night I got to release a lot of that tension into the atmosphere. I got to act up because I didn't care who was watching. I was happy to entertain my hosts and just feel good. The other house guests were Will and Stuart, another older couple that have been together for 10 years. I don't know what they do but apparently they got clout in the (white) gay community. I'd really rather be schmoozing through Troy, I think, and just be his wingman. I need to otherwise just take this trip for what it is. This morning I woke up at 5:30 AGAIN and am nursing some seltzer water in the hopes of offsetting the damage I've wrought upon my poor throat. What do I do? I'm barely making money at work. I feel so lame compared to all these other people. I need to step my game up, seriously. Finally home! Hungry and need to take my ass to bed. 8:55PM Downshift. Feeling kinda sad. Back to this graveyard shift, I don't know what to do... I need to distract myself from thinking about Christian.

How many bullets can I dodge, I wonder, before one finds it's mark. A shot to the ego, a shot to the heart. Jeff got me another free pass tonight to be late. I just gotta stay till about 10AM, which is fine, if Christian is amenable to a quick lunch. I want to see him, kind of like I did with Tarek. I'm feeling kind of sad. Melancholy. How many crushes can a heart hold in a year? Troy invited me to go to Fire Island for the weekend. I wonder how many guys are goin' with. It is as good an excuse as any to go somewhere and not have free time on my hands that I would otherwise waste wondering when I can see Christian again. Hence the quickie date. 2 hours max and I'm out the door to head home and pack. As much as I'd love to show off my culinary skills I'd like to focus on talking and getting to know him better. Stop trying to sell yourself on him, focus on learning his story. His likes and dislikes. I called after I got off work to follow up. Unfortunately, he was going to be busy taking his little brother shopping. It will be a full weekend for him. I need to not think about it anymore or my insecurities will kick in and fall prey to doubt. He owes you nothing, Dominic. So shorts, flip flops, I dunno. My meds. I hope they don't mind if I mostly sleep and tan. I don't want to meet anybody new. Maybe I can watch the game and drink my tea... 5:41PM Okay, SERIOUSLY?? I am on the LIRR right now. Met with Troy and I had a feeling I was Plan B because you don't text somebody out of nowhere that STOPPED speaking to you coz of your flaky ways and ask them to go with you to the middle of nowhere at the last minute. Delicious irony? His Plan A that he decided to dead was JULIO! We only found out just now and it's not something that I care to rehash. Woooosaaah. But I am angry at myself that I walked into that particular bit of awkwardness. There is bad blood between us. And I want it out of my system. If I knew this going in I would have stayed my ass home. Why am I here? I didn't want to be here but I hate coming off flaky. I always stick to the plan. I also needed a distraction from Christian. Trying not to fixate. And you know what? I foolishly trusted that everything would transpire smoothly. Instead he wanted to act like he knew what the fuck he was doing and where he was going and he clearly didn't. I hate calling attention to myself and looking like two lost colored people on this island of white people. I resent being at the mercy of another. I need to feel my independence. I'll take the next boat out, or at least document the actual directions. So far to my knowledge we are on "Sky Walk" door #318 and for the life of me can't remember my hosts name (It's Jay & Mark) Complete 180 degree shift. Once we were settled in I just let it go. We had dinner Friday night. Drinks, then some weed. Totally unnecessary. Troy is such a cutie. He needs to lose that damn weight though. But I appreciate spending the weekend with him. Woke up around 5:30am Saturday morning and walked around. Chilled in the hot tub. Walked along the shore oceanside. Saw the sun come up. Soaked in the solitude. Came back and had breakfast with Jay and Troy. Tea, oatmeal, toast. Then we got some groceries for lunch. Amazing hot dogs! Damn. And chips and stuff. I am not helping my voice being here. I really need to take a real break and not do anything. No parties no talking no drinking. Just rest and the gym and maybe hopefully some face time with Christian. Then me and Troy walked around some more on the beach. Chilled in the hot tub. Snapped CRAZY photos and video, then chilled some more before going to the various "Tea" parties that I gather Fire Island is known for. There was some dork that played himself in the middle of my convo with Troy and I kinda just dissed him. But he really pissed me off when he tried "fixing" my cap for me so that the bill would be straight forward. I put it back to the side and told him rather snarkily that he needn't worry himself over it because my appearance wasn't designed to target his particular demographic. He then did the whole "what do you do and how do you know Jay" line of conversation that I hate. The guy goes "So we know he's a banker, and I'm a lawyer, and you are..?" So I respond: "I... am someone that finds it tacky to ask what people do when they first meet them." The guy dismissed himself, finally. That was just the first party. When we moved on to the other parties I gradually started to relax more and settle into my buzz. So by the time we got to the venue where DJ Lina was spinning I was ready to do some hardcore dancing and wildin' out. And pretty much act stoopid. Troy pretty much finishes our battle with the booty shake since I am totally incapable, but we put on a good show. I think we may very well get another invite LOL. Which begs the question: what are my priorities, here? Why HAVEN'T I paid better care for my vocal chords? And work. Can they please just tell me that they'll pass me up already so I can get it out of my system??? Last night I got to release a lot of that tension into the atmosphere. I got to act up because I didn't care who was watching. I was happy to entertain my hosts and just feel good. The other house guests were Will and Stuart, another older couple that have been together for 10 years. I don't know what they do but apparently they got clout in the (white) gay community. I'd really rather be schmoozing through Troy, I think, and just be his wingman. I need to otherwise just take this trip for what it is. This morning I woke up at 5:30 AGAIN and am nursing some seltzer water in the hopes of offsetting the damage I've wrought upon my poor throat. What do I do? I'm barely making money at work. I feel so lame compared to all these other people. I need to step my game up, seriously. Finally home! Hungry and need to take my ass to bed. 8:55PM Downshift. Feeling kinda sad. Back to this graveyard shift, I don't know what to do... I need to distract myself from thinking about Christian.

So It's not like some big epiphany or anything, but I suppose these really are coversations with myself. Why would you lie to yourself? Well, for any number of reasons, yes, we lie to ourselves all the time. But I have questions and I want to look at these questions from as honest a perspective as possible. I am not on a philosophical journey of self-discovery. That's what your entire life is. I just am about staying vigilant about that honesty. I don't want to be a hypocrite about it. If I'm going to be human then I need to be disgustingly so. I am very late for work. Again. No Jeff to back me up tonight. I have been feeling anxious lately. Suddenly I want to stab Sheba in the face. Fuckin' stupid cunt. I don't know who she thinks in her team would be more qualified than me but if she thinks she can cockblock she's got another thing coming. Okay I kinda take it back. She gave me food earlier and now I feel stupid. What can I say, I'm easy. I have to print out this song list for rehearsal. Thankfully I got a free pass for Saturday and have more time to learn the repertoire. -print song list -print lyrics -download songs if I don't have them -why disco? Next thing I know i'ma get suckered into listening to house music. Today's short term goal is to get at least 5 business intros. Focus on selling AppleCare and MobileMe. Keep the yelling overprojecting to a minimum, and smile like it can cure cancer. Today I thought of various French terms of endearment that I might be able to incorporate into my daily correspondences with Christian, but damn they mostly suck. Stupid animal references. Why would I call someone that? "Baby" sounds so ugly in any other language. I gotta delve more into the slang. Take notes from actual French speakers. I want to see him again. I'd like to know more about him. What non-generic conversations, text or verbal, could I ask to get him to talk? Unfortunately I am more the type to gather information about people based on their behaviorisms, their way of speaking, their fashion aesthetic, and body language towards me. Brainstorm time! Let's start, since it's a brainstorm, with the things I know, and the questions I can ask based on that knowledge. And yes, we shall inquire after the more generic topics as well: What is your type? Has there been a particular informal list of features that you are attracted to? So your birthday is December 21st,1981. Had your family celebrated Christmas and your birthday together or separated? Parents' names? One younger brother, right? How, if at all, do they respond to your sexuality?

On my way to work. Not sure how I'm feeling. I think I'm rested enough. Just not in the right space. Yesterday was fun, but I think I damaged my voice some more. Saturday night all I did was spend the night with Julian and talk in his apartment. Getting to know each other. It was nice, but he is the kind of person I'd have to get to know better as a person before I decide that the physical shit isn't that important. I ordered pizza, we talked some more. Slept. Woke up around 6:30 or so and headed home. On impulse got off at the stop where my gym in Sunnyside was to get a quick workout in. Then spent most of the morning at home coordinating and seeing who I was going to the festival with. It worked out well. Wound up going with Justin and Gail. Anthony tagged along at some point, and to my surprise Giles showed up. Interesting mix. While it was just us three though we walked through the festival all of us rockin shades. Me originally coz I was rockin a mutilated apple t-shirt from work. For good measure I had on my plaid fedora which "happened" to match my shorts. I was generally playin cool. But I suppose that's coz the alcohol didn't come into play yet. Then I started gettin a Lil bolder. At some point in the night Phillip texted me with "DAMN BOI HOW MANY NUMBERS YOU GETTIN?!". I dunno. Initially it was nice to flirt, but at one point I realized that Julio was standing right in front of me with some people, and I felt torn. I wanted to say hi, but what if he shut me down in front of everybody like last time? So I played it cool and resumed my conversation with my friends. It also gave me this sudden impetus to start turnin on the charm and sayin hi to anyone I thought was cute. Like, the uber aggressive way that I always want to be like, coz lawd knows nobody ever approaches me. Catcalls from a distance are flies buzzing around my ear. At that point it was almost spite that drove me to kick it to however many dudes caught my eye. I don't remember half their faces/names. Took a couple. Then went back to my place to brew up some more drinks and head out one last time to Atlantis, kinda making Giles spot me for admission fee. I really just wanted to see Isaac, but he was having a good time. I let him be and dragged Giles around the venue. Strangely enough, Isaac followed, and I was confused. I just wanted to be layin in bed with him, talking...

Last night was a bit of a hiccup. I wanted to say "disaster" because things didn't go as planned, and I allowed myself into feeling obligated to take my friend Justin out. It was stupid because going out is the furthest thing from my mind. Sure, I get lonely, and sure I want the company of other human beings, but in a more intimate fashion. I'm lonely, and I don't want to put myself in situations where I have to feel I have to put up a brave front. I have two more nights left. How can I salvage this? I don't really want to be out and about. I just want to stay productive and recuperate. 10:19 PM Finally woke up from my drug haze. Starting to sweat waiting for the train headed to Julian's place. Yes, we are finally meeting. I just remembered why I hate summer: heat rash. I really DO have sensitive ethnic skin. He responded first. And someone I'd been flaking out on for the longest. Why? Because I figured he'd be too skinny for me. Sigh. I am shallow. I also need to stop, finally, and leave Tarek and Isaac alone. I harrass them because I know that they're not for me. Whether it's because THEY aren't interested in ME there's nothing I can do about it. So why waste more time? I front about wanting someone more masculine. I refuse to feel bad for wanting to be in a relationship, but I recognize that I need to come first and get my shit together.