on the sly.

who am i kidding. i be hopin' sometimes that you somehow know where this blog be at. lawd knows ain't nobody else reading it anyway.

it depresses me that all these people be wantin' to kick it to me, tryin, whatever. whatever. WHATever... yes, i still maintain that you're an asshole. suddenly i have some insight tho, that i am applying for myself.

i won't pretend to know the battles you fought. the battles you fight. that you never communicated to me. i won't act like i articulated my fight, nor were you at all obligated to make it your own. i get it. because i want to be a complete person too. without anybody else. i GET it. insofar as it applies to ME, of course. i hope you forgive me for not bein' so quick on the uptake.

so in my own way to these new cats i be the one that be the "asshole"... or even just straight up asshole minus the quotation marks. i don't want none of them touchin me though. gettin near. i push them away one way or the other. i won't presume to be evolved tho. i just aspire. i want. i WANT. but i don't WANT to want anymore. i aspire to transcend. and so i at least once in a while try to act the part. not because i'm playing along or frontin', but because i don't want to presume. and because i will most certainly have my lapses.

i miss JXXXX so much tho. just because i done gave him the benefit of the doubt. was more inclined to hear him out. read through the things that he wrote down. knowledge doesn't necessarily make you better than the next guy, tho, it just makes you more accountable for the actions of the same...

..doesn't it?

so handsome...

i don't want to let anybody else in... meantime, the ego be havin' a field day, while the dreamer stay dreamin'.

grateful lest the Lawd taketh away.

i'm in bed now and my head is pounding from the salty fried chicken leftovers that my greedy ass scarfed down when i got home. but i had a great afternoon and evening. i am overwhelmed because i want to write everything down and my brain is trying to go in so many different directions the only thing i can safely commit to is stating my proclivity for tangents.

so i will list the various thoughts without trying to make them coherent.

went to the hospital this morning (Monday) to follow up on some financial assistance for some upcoming procedures. now i gotta be up bright and early (Tuesday) to go back with the documents i didn't know i failed to bring. i do what i gotta do to get better. pain has come to be an unwanted companion since april. physical pain. strange coincidences that aren't coincidences at all but a bigger picture that i need to step back and see, and appreciate. stress and anxiety only cause the snowballs to become avalanches, and unfortunately it ain't staying in my head.



then i went to the gym and did legs and shoulders. during my workout joshua called to see what time we were meeting up. i told him 2:30pm. i wasn't paying attention coz i told diego i'd meet HIM at 3pm, which logistically didn't make sense. so i backtracked and told joshua 3:30.

went home and got ready.

it should be noted that i have been picking up momentum in finishing "A New Earth" in the last two weeks, and am excited to read through it again without trying to digest it so much as live it more.

this has, ironically, been catalyzed by the theft of my ipod those few weeks ago, which i had been dependent on for helping me pass the time. music, video, whatever. so since losing it i have bee desperate to occupy my damn time lest it wander unchecked into less desirable mental territory.

anyway, at 2pm diego tried to bail and i pulled a hitler maneuver. whatever that means. hey, no denying results! both joshua and diego were cranky but they were on line early with me at Wingate Field by 5pm. we'dve been earlier but we were running around the vicinity of the train stop getting foodstuffs and other potentially necessary sundry items. like antibacterial lotion. i hate grass and parks or anything with SOIL in it because that means crawly stuff that i freak on. i'm a functional phobe tho because i do appreciate context and association, and damned if i can't keep appearances.

i scream on the inside.

so we took the 2 train to Winthrop Street and went to the Kennedy Fried Chicken, and they were ALL OUT OF CHICKEN! can you believe it? well, who cares coz that was the case. so we went to the Crown Fried Chicken a coupla blocks away. we also went to CVS for a jug of water & cheese puffs, and the Key Food for some Lemonade, crackers, cheddar, grapes, hummus, and some baby wipes. or adult wipes. just in case.


chillin on a blanket. i keep learning from the previous park experiences. "i'll do better for next time. lesson learned."

why so the fuck much food?! because i was overcompensating for the last coupla times i went to a free concert in the park, most recently John Legend and Estelle at the same venue two weeks prior, where we were sitting behind an elderly couple that had a three course setup in their cooler, and all my crew had was water, 2 small bags of sun chips, and some pepperidge farm goldfish. WTF?!?!?! so yeah, me and Diego were trying to avoid that.



John Legend was a GREAT concert experience. i think FREE, open air, PARK concerts with BEAUTIFUL breezes on a summer night are just fucking magic. and he made you fall in love, want to be in love, or just swear he was in love with you.



Erykah Badu? all by her lonesome, or at least her and her band, no opening act, or co-headliner, she reminded me that there is a bigger picture, that we are part of a global community, and that we are all struggling. she was beautiful tonight and eccentric but unabashedly human. she forgot a coupla lines in one song, but we were in accord with her, and felt spirit and message she was trying to convey. the underlying message as well, is that people DO forget things, we are imperfect, and changing, and alive.

with Toni and Diego

Even before it began it was foretold that the night would be the beginning of the rest of my life. Set it off, Cleo! Toni showed up and without fishing (coz, ironically, i didn't know there WAS any fish to FISH for... discuss amongst yourselves) she commanded me to rest my head on her lap, at which point she proceeded to give me a legit honest-to-goodness massage! as in she did that shit for a living! my day was complete. i was fed, massaged (my head was pounding and just tryin keep on truckin), and i was gonna get a free concert in a few--?! praise Him, y'all.


erykah up on the split screen behind us!

As if to obviate the alignment of the world, and my agreement with it, Erykah began her set with "The Healer". The contingent of Amerykahns in my vicinity knew the words to her catalogue and I was feeling PRESENT. After a few more songs and expositions she went into "I Want You" and i wanted to pour my heart out into the atmosphere. scream the lyrics till i got hoarse, because it echoed my sentiments. and i didn't want to start bawling...

so many moments...

"Hold on... my people..."

Tuesday I started my liquid diet so I could prep for Wednesday.

This is basically what Wednesday felt like:



it wasn't so bad tho. i showed up to the Edoscopy Suite, showered, but disheveled. my eyes were red from playin video games all night, and having the back of my gown flappin' in the processed "breeze" didn't do anything for my ego. Eckhart Tolle would have been proud of me, but then the two young nurses prepping me in the admitting room gassed it up again by complimenting me out of the blue. they kept making me laugh which helped set me at ease, but apparently they were really feelin' me:

"Brandy": You have REALLY beautiful eyes...! I don't know why I said that--!

I was kinda taken aback, and for a second thought i had on my "play contacts", but responded by laughing self-deprecatingly.

"Theresa" chimed in with: don't take this the wrong way, but you are REALLY good looking!

Just before i was about to get it from both ends, no less. You'll have to forgive me if my head ain't get THAT big. They were hilarious though, and if they were flustered, I could only tell when they kept stabbing me with the primary IV, while looking for my vein. At one point the auxiliary "placeholder" tube even snapped off and blood started spraying all over the sink my right arm was resting on. i was trying to stifle my laughter (as were they) coz i thought that would make the blood pump out faster. maybe some people would have not found it funny, but it's all in how you look at it. i am in a perpetual state of trying to make that shift in perspective, and the bigger picture was pretty darn funny.


the changing room.

sometimes the concept human dignity is misinterpreted, and other times, when you give it up to the powers that be, you get a tradeoff of a greater sense of dignity that has nothing to do with appearances. and dammit, it was good to know that i was gon' be alright.

in other news, the jill scott concert at summerstage that i bought tix for got cancelled, but i was planning on going to the free one the night before in BK as well. so it's all good to me. unlike a lot of my peers, i have zero problem waiting hours in line, because again, it's perspective. i see it as an opportunity to chill with, and be in the presence of those friends i came with, and hang out with them. unfortunately a lot of people don't quite seeing it that way. it's ALL a journey though, ain't it? my friend Ramon missed Erykah because he didn't want to deal with the supposed inconvenience, and he wasn't the only one. Other people would talk about how, "oh, they've done that already and went to such and such concert and hated bein' out in the heat," and come off all jaded and dismissive, but sure i'll see yo' punk ass out at the gay-ass beach oglin' the exposed flesh walking around, right? but check it, i've been to the other ones as well, and your "bad" experience, wasn't mine. i done BEEN stayed havin' a great time. plus i'ma bring food again, and drink, and other stuffs. i'll start my picnicking in the queue, coz that's how i roll.

holding out.

it's a beautiful night. i got the window open and the occasional breeze, and the rustling of leaves, yes, even on 65th Street with its intermittent late night cars driving by, and drunk loud dudes, manage to soothe me. It even makes me think of a number of guys i wouldn't mind sharing it with... in bed, of course. cuddling, or maybe just laying there, not touching, just in case the heat rears it's ugly head again. just being quiet together.

i worry that they'd end up liking me even more. these little moments of urban magic can sometimes fool one into thinking they've stumbled upon the romantic lottery, but i just happened to be a warm body at the right place and time.

XXXXX really likes me. no not THAT XXXXX, a different XXXXX. i like him. i like him a lot, actually, as a person. but i don't have THOSE kinds of feelings for him. i feel kinda bad, because he'd totally deserve the best of me

if i had it in me to give.

as does XXXXXX. again. no sparks. i have affection for them, and want them to succeed, but i don't want to let anybody in. not for a while. i deserve to do better by myself.

XXXX is TOTALLY feeling me. and i hate that i sound so distracted when i'm around him. i've just been going through a hell of a lot lately. having a lot of pain, anxieties about what i'm going to do with my life...

the leaves rustle a little bit louder, to remind me to be in the moment.

i can't help but feel sad. no i don't have to be alone tonight, but the urban charms are woven into the night, the perfect setup for someone to fall in love. luckily it won't be me.

meantime, my libido screams: "well i WOULD come right over if my ADHD ain't cockblocked me."

i don't mean to hold out on you, but i only got enough time, consideration, affection, and intimacy for the one that i want the same from. i don't want you to fall for me XXXXX, because when you realize that I can't reciprocate, you'll just throw me away.

going to see Erykah Badu in the afternoon. still exhilarated from the John Legend concert. I want this experience to be even better. so i'm packing some popeye's chicken, and some of my pasta, and a coupla gallons of water to stay hydrated.

this weekend was more limbo. my hands are tied while i get my health problems taken care of. i need my medicaid to come through which is dependent upon me being unemployed.

in the morning i'm off to Beth Israel to speak to a financial advisor, as well as the proctologist, and also drop off those samples on the 3rd floor FINALLY.

all these things that i am too mortified to talk about to anybody. who could i possibly tell?

i had to turn down 3 job prospects because i gotta wait for my insurance.

JXXXX didn't respond back to my out-of-the-blue text. clearly the (lack of) response reads: LEAVE ME ALONE.

ambien finally making me lose even more cohesion. only wish HE was next to me, so we can enjoy the breeze together. i love you so much, dude.