overwhelmed.

i am overwhelming myself. too much stimuli, maybe. i just keep loading pressure after pressure on myself. what are the things i need to get done? how can i move forward?

i am starting to get together a circle of friends that are fellow artists, but who are actually DOING something with their art. i need that kind of nurturing environment, and it is a great way to start this year out. that doesn't mean i will neglect the friends that i have known over the years, but i need to be around people that are interested in that aspect of my life and are happy to support it, as i would them.

something about me seems to attract emotionally unavailable people. or maybe i just have the generic "want what you can't have" syndrome. i need to cut that shit out. cut my losses the very MINUTE the dude starts showing signs of bein' a wack ass boyfriend. just because they're good looking or even a straight up great guy doesn't mean they're going to be great to YOU.

i have a major gig coming up on February 1st. i am freaking myself out because it is my first time doing an extended set. Forty five minutes!!!! i can create 45 minutes of material, but i need to take it step by step. i can do that, can't i? i will take it slowly. starting tonight at work, i am going to ONLY set the goal of working on ONE song, converting what i have into performance tracks.



my guitar classes start next week. i really need to be focused about that. it is only an introductory class to get me motivated, but after that i know i will need to step it up, especially if i want to start performing more. it's like getting a driver's license. i'll definitely have more options available to me once i get that off and popping. certainly i'll be freer to write any song i please.

jakgeem's friend looks promising for post production work on my songs, but i can't afford him right now with everything else that's going on. i can't be trippin' and pressuring myself to do everything RIGHT now... i can at least save the money and try to get him to do it a few weeks AFTER this gig, but for now all my time, energy, and money will be devoted to making that work the way i need it to. speaking of which, i need to find a friend with a digital camcorder so i can get proper footage of the performance.

the dating game is also overwhelming. i think i choose emotionally unavailable people because i already know where it's going to go. whenever someone who is actually about it comes along i suddenly get tired, and don't want to deal. because i have to start all over again. doin' the whole "get to know" thing... and to what end? so i will make more of an effort to just meet people on a platonic level and stay focused on making my career happen for me. that way i can still get to know these people without the added pressure of thinking something's going to come out of it other than a good friend.

i sent back julio's "package". so funny. he might as well have called it another "situation." he went out of his way to call it something besides a "gift" or "present". heaven forbid it came from his "heart". but what the fuck?! UNDERWEAR?! was i supposed to take that to mean something? don't get me wrong they were nice and all, and i'll probably want to get myself a pair with my own damn money, but shit, where was the thought it THAT? and for what? i wish that asshole would get off his soapbox. nobody reads my blogs so i can say whatever the fuck i want. if i really wanted to put him on blast like that i would have put a blog out on my page where a shitload of people can read it. pretentious faggot.

ugh. i just need to re-focus.

fading out.

this is my first entry since changing my blog url so that no one, not even julio, can find my blog. he swears i'm lying about getting some stupid package from him, and i was tempted to respond back, but it doesn't matter anyway. i didn't get it, therefore it's impossible to send back. no, instead, he'll just believe that i kept it.

obviously someone will find this blog... just nobody that actually knows me. so right now i'm just going to put out there what's in my heart to say.

i'm tired. and depressed. and i feel like giving up on life. i don't have faith in anybody. i don't feel like doing anything. i just feel alone, and lonely. i can't even bring myself to talk to anybody. what's the point? the end result will be the same anyway. just give up, dominic. let it all go...