the fallout...

why was i so upset? what prompted me to blow up at Julio?

i felt pushed off to the side. after all the things we were going through, and sgreeing to try to work shit out, he only gave more signs of disinterest, and lack of consideration.

the weekend before, he came down on a saturday, telling me he would be leaving monday morning. i understand how plans change, but why didn't he tell me as soon as he found out that he was leaving earlier? i would have understood. and even more, i would have changed the plans so i could have made the most of the time that we had together. i was hurt, and feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

but i tried. even though i was even more disappointed that he didn't even make an effort to spend ANY of the following weekend with me for his birthday:

i understood that you were with your friends and don't begrudge you that, but you didn't even express interest in making ANY time for me. how is that "working things out"? i'm SO hurt, because all i wanted was to see you.

you know what i was doing all week? i was arranging for you to get your bday present, looking EVERYWHERE i could for SOMEthing that showed how much i thought about it. Friday i chose to forego sleep so i could get my facial hair trimmed, and even went to get a pedicure, JUST so i could look good for you. imagine how taken aback i was when you couldn't even make time to correspond with me.

we were in the middle of a serious conversation, and NO i don't mean about the stupid myspace account, but how you were approaching this "situation" when you just DROPPED out of it. i thought i'd said something wrong. only an hour or so later do i receive another text from you saying you JUST came out of seeing a movie. Why couldn't you have been considerate enough to at least TELL me you were going into that movie and that you would not be able to correspond? why leave me hanging?

in light of all the preparation and thought that i had been giving to you, for you to not EVEN be sensitive enough to tell me that WE SHOULD TALK LATER, instead of ignoring me when things are inconvenient, how should i not have gotten upset? why don't you think about me????

and to top it all off you decide that i'm not worth it?! and use the lame excuse that i walked past you in the bar? i DIDN'T EVEN SEE YOU! that's not fair! you KNOW all i want to do is see YOU. hold you, and you hold me too... why don't you want to work it out?! i am hurting. i want to believe so badly that you care, but you aren't giving me ANYthing to work with... please... TRY to make it work... don't shut me out...

i keep...

i keep going on these stupid hookup sites. but everytime somebody hits me up, especially anyone that might be deemed "attractive" i just get nauseous... i don't want any of it, much less actually meet people, but i can't help myself... feeling so empty inside...

i could've gone out last night. i could still go out before work tonight. but for what? it would be the same effect, saving that i would actually have to expend energy to leave the house, and the likelihood of my well-being deteriorating would increase.

i don't know how i can deal with this, especially while at work. monday i was in a daze trying to keep it together. i put in my bid for shifting to the day shift and was more or less shot down. is it worth it to even try anymore? should i look for something else?

my leg won't stop shaking. i'm freaking out. i have no desire to drink it away. i don't especially feel like hurting myself... i don't even want an escape... i feel lost, and alone and running in circles... the sites are so stupid, but i keep checking in on them anyway. isn't that the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result?

i am going to see my goddaughter today... by midnight i will delete my accounts, yes, AGAIN, but with the understanding that i don't want to be insane.

you know what's funny?

for the first time, i ain't shittin' on my looks... i don't blame bein' bad lookin' (or rather, somebody else being BETTER looking). i don't feel especially like a loser. friends and acquaintances are tryin' to get ahold of me to hang out, reconnect. i don't lack for attention. i don't feel especially stupid, or untalented...

i am just straight up... sad. why is it so bad that i want to share everything going on with me, mostly the good things, with him?

and still... i can't shake the feeling that he's relieved that i'm out of the picture... now he can live his life according to his plans... no more wrenches... no sidetracking... he's got his whole life ahead of him. i actually want to be happy for him. but i miss him dearly... right now i have to admit it's debilitating... i know he'd not think well of someone who couldn't function optimally because of some guy, even if the guy is him...

but damn i just wish i could take it all back. just shut up and front like i'm happy with whatever i get from him. i won't even have him come up here anymore. it'll be just a once a week, overnight arrangement... no interaction necessary in between, over the week.... i'll just take it for what it is... a chance to get away from all my home drama... lord knows i could really use it.

how could i have let my guard down?????

and now what? what the hell would i say anyway? "can we get back together?" we weren't even together in the first place! is it any less a relationship? no. but ANYTHING can be called a relationship. a FRIENDSHIP is a relationship. a FUCK BUDDY is a relationship. WHAT are--i mean, WERE we? and can i ever get it back?

wonder woman bracelets--?!

i remember wanting to give you something i made, and wanting to see the look on your face. and like a kid i'd be hard-pressed to keep it to myself and had to at LEAST tell you that it was on it's way. you were like a kid too, and demanded to know what it was:

"Is it Wonder Woman bracelets?!" you would joke.

Every time since, when i'd find something new or that i could work on because it was something i wanted you to have my excitement would overtake me. i just liked making you happy. still i was a big kid about it, grinning slyly, coyly, letting u know something was coming in the mail. again you'd joke:

"Is it Wonder Woman bracelets?!"

everything's rocky between us now. largely because i don't feel that you're anywhere as considerate or thoughtful, nor do you put in any outward sign showing me that it really matters whether it works out between us or not. i wonder sometimes that i'm too demanding, or maybe I'M the one that's too available... am i wrong for wanting more?

...but it's your birthday, and this was something i wanted you to have. like a sullen kid, i couldn't very well tell you that i was going to get you anything... but i sent it over to you...

A Wonder Woman bracelet.

i miss you baby... i'm so lost...

Dominic San Juan

losing my mind...

tryin' to be strong... not buckle... give in to the urge to see, hear, speak, contact him... accept the possibility that he will choose not to be with me...

i'm trying to distract myself...

half hoped he'd be at the bar, but left just in case he was... didn't feel like being fake. i know i'd stop enjoying myself the minute i'd see him.

went to another venue with Andre. it was wack, but the music was on point, and there was a dance floor, so i got to work out some of my aggression and frustration there. safely... it was therapeutic, to say the least.

what do i do now..?

all i can think about is him touching me...

i deserve better...

... so why is it that all i can think about right now is hurting myself?

Because i can't afford to hope that he would actually come around. that he would actually care. i had originally given Julio an ultimatum: You have until the end of November to decide that you want to be in a real relationship with me. If at that time you are still not ready, then I'm cutting my losses.

why wait a whole month? because i never really thought he would choose me, and i needed that time to let go...

and now i don't even have that.

it hurts so bad...

Dominic San Juan

weblog 10252007

i woke up this morning around 5:30am, tried going back to sleep, then woke up an hour later. hungry i made some pancakes then went back to sleep. my only main goal of the day was to replace my lost social security card, which i did around noon, then went home, fixed some lunch, then went to sleep. took a few hours before i was actually unconscious, so i wasn't surprised that i was late for work.

over the course of the last couple of weeks, and as the weather called for it, i had been wearing julio's jacket. if people left psychic imprints on personal items, his blue nike track jacket was probably the only thing i had of his that bore any significant trace of him, and i was desperate for any kind of contact, real or imagined.

as i laid in bed, awake, i conjured up a scenario of the potentially last day with him. a dull ache resurfaced somewhere under my rib cage. what was i supposed to say?

i practice different things to say, trying not to come off needy, angry, passive aggressive. trying to sound dignified, but still honest. i will try not to say out loud how much i will miss him, or how sad i am. wishful thinking that he would at the last minute change his mind and decide i'm worth it, and grab for me, holding me close. sometimes nothing is more eloquent than saying nothing at all. So that's it then, a smile, an embrace

________________________________________________________________

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS cont'd: Don't Take Anything Personally

I glance at the back cover where the author, don Miguel Ruiz, has a photograph of himself, and i want to black it out. I almost, and irrationally i know, resent him for being so damn happy. For being able to touch something in Julio that i never will. So what am i doing? Why am I reading this damn thing? Just because Julio asked me to? Admittedly, Ramon had gifted it to me earlier in the year for my birthday, but had never gotten around to reading it. I had always been looking to improve my lot, but i really hate being preached to.

So i have to make a conscious effort not to shoot the messenger.

This is bullshit. I am angry and trying not to be. Reading this book is pissing me off and I'm trying my damnedest to accept what truths may come from it. Mostly because I'm trying to apply it to my situation with Julio and I'm not hopeful about the end result.

So far what I'm getting from the Four Agreements is what I knew all along: I have no control over anybody else's actions or thoughts. My problem is that I keep trying to modify my own thoughts and actions to make the situation work because I have convinced myself that the situation is what i want for myself. But isn't what I really want to be happy? Not being true to myself clearly diverges from that desire. I must find the strength to go for what I truly want for myself. In the case of a relationship, someone that actually looks out for me, cares about me, and relishes showing it. Someone who takes time out to check in with me, and makes a conscious effort to spend time with me, and gladly.

in the meantime, and until that happens, i will try not to plan my days, weekends, free time around when Julio is available. i will do things because i want to do them. fuck it, if i want to see him i will go see him and carry on with the understanding that there are no outward ripples or repercussions. nothing i say or do will amount to it ever going anywhere.

Don't Make Assumptions

What I'm coming away with from this chapter is that it's basically okay to ask for what I want. I must try to be stronger and not get offended when i am turned down for asking for the things that i want. it certainly takes trust out of the equation, doesn't it?

You can't always get what you want. I can't always get what I want. Or maybe, what I want isn't going to be found where I thought it would. Refocus, in the meantime. I have been neglecting myself. Why do I do that?

My passions tend to go hand in hand though. My life feeds my art. My passion. This is one of those many moments i wished i had easier aspirations. Like be a fireman. Not to mention I'd be in better shape.

weblog 10222007-2

okay. so it turns out you have to register with that temp agency via the internet, try to apply for the job that you're interested in, and THEN they'll see if you might be a match. So i registered. filled out ALL the crap, and some more crap to go. i got as far as the "references" section, but i didn't have an updated reference sheet. i did a search through my old yahoo account that i used looking for references, and would up walkin' down memory lane at some correspondences i had with the last person that broke my heart.

i miss being made to feel special.

i need to stick to my guns and take my ass to the gym after this, don't i? not to mention all the other things i said i would do.

____________________________________________________
Things goin' through my head as i'm reading "The Four Agreements"

Chapter One

-Domestication and the Dream of the Planet. I wasn't feelin' this chapter. Too many metaphors.
-interestingly enough, my image of perfection doesn't exactly please very many people in my world. the conflict comes because i covet approval, but want it on my terms, all the while believing it to be unrealistic.
-what agreements within myself are fear-based? how can i overcome them?

Chapter Two: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

-i am always going on about accountability and responsibility for my actions. but i admit to placing a lot of judgment and blame on myself when i do those things...

-there are so many things that i know/want/know to be true about myself, but FEAR that if i speak them that they will be ridiculed by others, mostly because that has been my experience. i KNOW i am talented. i KNOW i am beautiful. i KNOW i deserve love. i KNOW i am intelligent. i have trouble trusting that people are willing or able to see those things in me, though. can i be strong enough to make them see? sometimes i fear that people will perceive me as being arrogant if i were to say those things aloud. it calls to mind that Mandela speech... it's so hard to claim personal power, indeed.

-what can i do, what practices or exercises, to grow to be impeccable with my word? i remember these daily affirmations that they tell you to do in "The Artist's Way" (yet one more self help book that i never finished).
_____________________________________________________

i'm not going to the gym tonight. i feel so drained.

tomorrow i will be free after i babysit nina. i entertained the idea of jumping on a bus down to be with julio. he has plans though, and i refuse to be an imposition.

sadly everybody bailed on my side of the six flags excursion. i really wanted to go though. *sigh*

i already told him that i'm giving him until the end of november to decide if he wants to take the "situation" to the next level, whatever that is, after that i give up. again, i just don't trust that he would choose me. if i did, i would have given him shorter notice. this extra time... is more for me... guess i'm just giving myself time to let go... i'll be cryin' like a bitch for months after. damn christmas is gonna suck.

weblog 10222007-1

Panic attack. Again. I need to do something with this ay besides work. It's 2:24pm and i'm en route to midtown. What am I doing to improve my situation? The wage garnishing has crippled me mentally more than financially. Lord knows it IS possible to manage. To do without.

There are things I can do as the situation permits, but what can I do RIGHT now? I have an hour before work starts. Why don't I make this a cardio day? I can go before or after work. What else can I do BEFORE going into work?

Barnes and noble? I would really be playin myself if I get that damn abds diet book again, wouldn't I?

Comic book store? Only brought it up because it's a thought that popped into my head.

All i've done so far is channel surf and watch porn. Not a good start to the day.

I hate my job. Change it! At least call ONE temp agency and set up an appointment. *sigh*

Check into starbucks and set up shop. Make some phone calls. Aquent is a good place to start.

Game plan:
Starbucks job quest. Realistic jobs to gun for given my established skillset include temping and admin, even personal assistant. Anything support staff oriented.

During work I will work on staying relaxed and focused. Continue reading through the Four Agreements and blogging my take on it. For the last couple of hours I will get my energy and outlook up so that I am mentally prepped for the gym.

At the gym I will focus on abs and cardio. I'll try to get my ass home as soon as possible and sleep so I can take nina to that "class" at 10am.

i know i should be more grateful but...

i'm lonely...

just random quirky things about me:

#37) at least 75% of the songs i play at any given time are reflective of the state i'm in; the last ten songs can usually be seen up on this last fm widget i have on my myspace pages.

#12) it comforts me, especially when i'm depressed, to sit down crosslegged in the bathtub, and let the hot water beat down against my scalp and back.

#278) i have an innate fear of being scolded, even for the smallest inconsequential things. its taken me a long time to train myself not to flinch at a stern voice.

#202) sex stopped being JUST sex to me when my health became an issue, and i finally chose to be more discerning about who'd i'd have it with. it has to mean something or else i don't get aroused.

#40) i haven't made any improvements to my room because i'm afraid to commit to it. what if i have to relocate in a few months?

#18) my parents divorced when i was 8. i fronted like was the "in" thing to do at the time. one of the worst feelings in the world is being made to choose between your parents.

#115) my dad disowned me in 2005. not because i'm gay, but because i didn't agree with his way of thinking. even before that tho, i have never had a strong male presence in my life.

56#) i joke about being molested. but i was abused when i was around 10 years old by my uncle. yeah, i did think it was my fault for a while...

#99) i never felt like i fit in anywhere, and to this day front like i like it that way. truth is i just want to feel like i belong somewhere.
__________________________________________________________________________

today i woke up at 5am. then 6am. then 7am. that's what i get for being in bed for the bulk of yesterday.

it's 51 degrees outside. i got up for a few minutes to make myself a PBJ sandwich, then went back to tossing and turning until 7AM. there was no need for me to even be up this early, but since i did pretty much absolutely nothing with my requested days off i'm pretty angry. and frustrated. and perhaps it IS my fault. dude made it perfectly clear he was not coming up to see me. i just kept hoping anyway though. now after the fact i'm angry that i wasted my time moping, while he no doubt stayed on the productive tip.

i can feel myself trying to be more removed from the situation. not to care so much. but i'm scared that one day i will cross that line and become altogether indifferent to our situation. what am i doing?

it's monday morning. still stinging from the feelings of abandonment. just play it cool, dominic. no more gushing, no more L word, no more missing him. matter of fact, keep it all short and sweet. overnight visits, don't want to be in the way. this is as good as it gets, right? at least i know he's a good person. and i trust him, in my own way.

around 10:30am my sister calls to tell me that nina is there, and would i like to come play with her? i latch onto the idea like a drowning man to a lifesaver. and that's where i find myself by noon. eating mom's food and then laying next to my sleeping goddaughter. occasionally, she grasps for me. it's nice to feel wanted.

this morning there's this whole episodic texting wherein i am accused of having liasons with numerous guys from adam4adam. in a twisted kind of way i'm flattered that he went into my account. that, despite how wrong it actually is, that he's actually human, and maybe even a little bit jealous, of ME of all people. it didn't hurt that hooking up was never on the agenda for me, so i had no guilt about him going into it. admittedly i WAS looking for some kind of validation, that i had started to miss with him.

i know, i know, i shouldn't be looking outside myself for validation, but i'm hardly that evolved. i wish it were so, but i've had a fucked up childhood, and even more fucked up previous relationships.

with this "reboot" in our status quo, at least i know where he stands. if he wants to see me, i'll make myself available. but i will try more to NOT allow myself to ask for anything anymore.

in 24 hours i'll be changing the URL of this blog. i'm worried that this will become a passive aggressive way of expressing things, whether he responds or not will just make me that much more distressed. i really don't want him reading all my sentimental crap, either feeling obligated to comply, or resenting me for the same and not doing a damn thing about it, when this is just a means for me to vent.

sarah vaughn

the sum of all zahirs...

ramon sent me a text in the middle of the day yesterday and it read:

"Zahir in Arabic means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It's someone or something which once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered a state of holiness or of madness." -18th century Middle Eastern concept.

i slept all day yesterday after work. but not before fixing myself some corned beef hash and eggs. i know, exciting, right? i even made brown rice properly. the only thing i really wanted to be awake for was the new episode for avatar at 8:30, but as i watched the minutes tick away on the clock i could feel lethargy overtake me again. by 8:15pm i had both remotes in hand, but my eyelids got heavier, and i just curled up into a ball, burying my face into a too-firm pillow.

finally i woke up again at 10:30, and scrambled for the shower. i made it to work with 3 minutes to spare.

i'm pretty rested, to say the least. but what does today bring? i don't mean to be a loser. ugh. i know i'd SO be playin' myself if i just sit around and do nothing today, but i keep hoping something... will magically happen. i KNOW it ain't gonna happen. he's not very big on surprises... i guess i just keep projecting... but he ain't me. there's no reason why he'd do what i would do. hell, he'd consider it crazy even.

andre invited me to have brunch this morning. at 11AM! i don't know if i can stay awake that long, but i told him i'd give him a call when my shift ended and let him know the verdict then. i WOULD like to go, no more than when any of my other friends invite me, but i'm trying not to succumb to lethargy. the best way would be to head it off before it gets to that point, meaning i'd have to head straight to his place and maybe sleep for the 2 hours before brunch hits.

i texted CJ to see if he wants to come with. He, too, lives in Brooklyn, and we've been meaning to reconnect. Besides, i don't know andre's friends like that. and i'm notorious for being selective about the company i keep. maybe that's why some people think i'm a snob. but i just like to feel safe. yes, i'm a control freak.

after brunch, which will also be in Brooklyn, andre says, i'll head over to ramon's barber shop and get my mustache lined up properly... and treat myself to a pedicure. i'll see if andre wants to come with, but i had miles in mind to accompany me originally. he has yet to get back to me though.

after that i guess i'll clean up at home, pass out, then take my ass to the gym. both miles and andre will be busy in the evening, martin ain't in a hang-out kinda mood like THAT, and CJ always wants to do something BIG, and my social anxiety can't really handle being seen out like that anymore. but i need to be out. lawd knows HE's out there not thinking about me, fully functional, and having fun, why the fuck can't i get him out MY head? no, i need to take myself out of my home. distract myself. exhaust myself. then i can just go to sleep...

getting better...

what the hell does that mean? it doesn't just mean giving up drinking, but just being better all around. achieving actualization... what would an actualized Dominic look like?

out there performing more often
making as many copies of his remade demo and soliciting them
going to the gym at least 4 times a week
eating consistently and healthy
staying on top of my meds...
working a normal day job
maintaining a strong support system and circle of friends
and yes, not relying on alcohol to drown out my problems.

it's terrifying, knowing there's no one that has my back. no one i can run to every once in a while and be held by, kissed, reassured. i don't need to be walked through things, hand held, but julio was my safespace... what am i gonna do now?

i guess this is day one?

day one finds me already awake, at work. woodenly i get through my audit, then try to kill time by watching the netflix rental of the day, Running With Scissors. i didn't love it, but i managed to fidget through it without fast forwarding.

hungry i picked up some noodles from across the street, doctoring it up with some hard-boiled eggs from the pantry. right now i'm listening to my new heavy rotation playlist, and reading a fantasy novel i purchased from amazon a few weeks ago.

funny, all the things i was trying to do to make the distances shorter... i tried getting us to read books together, sent music files, gave my self little gift projects to make for him... made plans for weekends that may or may not happen, and to what end? he says i should have been thankful that he even showed up. but i was there too. and i still went the extra mile. but the extra mile was necessary for it to work. availability isn't enough, but of course i was being needy, and petty, and childish. he told me to grow up. get better. that i was an alcoholic. always telling me what i need to do, but he resents me whenever i ask for anything.

ugh. i need to stop talking about it. what are my plans for the day? i haven't a clue. i know i'll be going to sleep at some point, but dread the tossing and turning that's sure to come for many weeks... half asleep with the crazy hope that the phone would ring, only to be disappointed that it's someone else. and of course i'm a loser for being this way. good thing i have sleeping pills. thinking is for the conscious, and i don't want to think about it.

i worry for the weekend. what am i gonna do with these days off? another reminder of my loss. and me trying not to drink... will it be for nothing?

lawd, but i'm weak.

i called my old therapist, Peter Williamson, and i have an appointment for next week. there's also supposed to be an AA meeting up around my way on Friday at 8pm, but i don't know how that works... maybe i'll find out.

but who's to say when i'm "better"? is he supposed to determine that? am i supposed to furnish a certificate to him validating my sobriety? so yeah great i'm sober, then what? i would still have nothing. except that then i won't even have anything to numb my pain.

i'm cynical that he'd still want me, or feel anything for me, but i don't want anybody else.

no, i won't ever tell him. i pretty much told him to leave me be anyway. not really what i want, but all he does is text. i'm not even worth a phone call... i feel so lost...

countdown to oblivion

so that's it then.

i am alone. martin says i should get used to it. accept it. sheesh. i will try. i'll also go back to therapy. i kinda liked my old therapist anyway, so i'll see what he's up to. it would have been nice to have belonged somewhere, but it's not meant for me.

and the worst part is, i'm the only one losing sleep over it.

crap. i have to delete everything now. all the photos, messages, call histories. i can no longer read his blogs, coz no doubt he'll have written me off as one more lesson to learn about himself. heaven forbid i be a real living breathing person. i have to cut ties completely because anything reminding me of him... well, it just hurts.

it hurts that someone i've put in all this time and effort for, that i've made every endeavor to get to know better, just swears they have me pegged. that they KNOW i'm some kind of alcoholic.

have a blacked out and drank in excess? yes, but few and far between, and only when something or someone has hurt me, so much so that i want to numb the pain. but more often than not i've been told i'm charming and funny when i'm tipsy. i've gone out three times this past week drinking and not once did i black out, and i had a good time. i even went straight to work after.

you are so fucked up. you claim that you would have changed, would have shown up on time if i told you, for example, but i DID. I fucking TOLD you countless times, directly and indirectly, how much it meant to me, and yet you STILL show up LATE.

but fuck it. i'm just not worth the trouble, am i? and maybe you're right...

Sometimes I forget I'm not like everybody else... that i have no right to ask for more than the little that's given to me... who would possibly love me and want to go above and beyond, knowing the truth about me? All my faults, and shortcomings. My deficiencies and diseases. It should be enough that they find me even remotely desireable, right? Keep me around...

I promise that next time I'll just keep my mouth shut, and be content with the scraps. If there's a next time.

I must not hope.

i miss him so much tho, and THAT hurts too, especially when he can make it better and he won't.

now THAT makes me want to drink. it's gotta wait tho, till saturday, and sunday... and monday... when i will be off.

i feel so lost. and scared. and i can't talk about it to anybody.

just in time for winter.

"You have managed to turned me from a (wo)man of substance, into a brick flying, crying too damn much, crying and crying, way down low, low, with flats on, from the opposite side of the bar, easy off loading on top of your car... chick..."

"Insomnia" - Jill Scott

i don't want anybody else. the idea of anybody else touching me that way makes me sick, nauseous. there's so much i wanted to do and share with him that i'll never get a chance to. i'm going to have to cancel six flags, and my dinner party. it all feels empty without him there with me.

i am not in a relationship.

i am not in a relationship.

i feel like i need to say it at least 5 billion times a day. To remind myself so that there's no chance of me forgetting, and ultimately set myself up for disappointment. but it's a little too late for that i suppose. i'm disappointed. i feel insignificant, where this guy is concerned. unimportant. like some kind of secret to be hidden away. it doesn't feel good, not to be acknowledged, grayed out by someone who professed to loving you.



i am not in a relationship.

I can't do this anymore. I'm not happy with the way things are, and I haven't been for a few weeks now; not since he told me that he only tells people that he's "in a situation." how can he do that after telling me that he wanted me to call him my boyfriend?

too many mixed messages, signals. whatever.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT I WOULD TELL HIM IF I WERE STRONG ENOUGH TO RISK LOSING AND ALIENATING HIM:

I need more than what you're willing to give. I need someone who cares enough to remember the little things, and not so little things. I want to be in a relationship with someone that loves and cares for me as much as I do them. For crying out loud it's only been three months! It's supposed to at least be the "honeymoon" phase for at least SIX, but you're not doing anything to make this long-distance situation any easier. There's no indication that I mean anything to you beyond someone to occasionally warm your bed at night. I feel like i'm pulling teeth sometimes when we're together and I have to tell you to do things that someone more considerate would have already done. You didn't make it a point to remember to watch a particular movie with me, you left me locked out of my apartment while you were inside sleeping, you're ALWAYS late picking me up from the bus station, you forget what questions you've already asked me, you see your main contribution to this "situation" as "knocking it out of the park" and the sex itself doesn't mean anything to you outside of "feeling good." and for the record, none of these things involve spending a single penny, and only a minimal amount of effort.

Don't you get it?! All I ever wanted was to be with you, and around you. I would have done anything to make you happy, but I don't even get the smallest consideration. You have no idea how much it would mean to me to step off the bus in Maryland and have YOU be the first thing I see, but it's always been an "i'll be right there" only for you to show up a half hour later. It tells someone that you care and think about them more than actual words. Even on your myspace page it says you are "single." I guess they didn't have an "in a situation" category, huh?

Not having you in my life would devastate me for a long time, but I wonder if it's worth it while just settling for the scraps i'm getting. I tried to tell myself that i'm being too demanding, that i'm moving too fast maybe, or that i'd never find any person, relationships and romance notwithstanding, as good, smart, unpretentious, simple, endearing, beautiful, sane, accepting, or even normal, in one package. But I don't feel my heart, soul, whatever it is, being nurtured or fed. The way things are going everything feels stagnant, no matter how many times you say that you have feelings for me.

I don't want it to be over, but I ain't nobody to be telling you what to do. You don't make me feel like i'm anybody significant to you. I don't feel appreciated. I want to have thicker skin, I want to not care so much, so that I can be content with the moments few and far between when I can lay in your arms and kiss you and give of myself. I wish so badly, because I truly love you.

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i want him to be my boyfriend, and i want him to want to view me the same way as well, and make me his. i want him to acknowledge that we're more than a "situation."

and if i can't have any of those things i want to stop loving him. i don't want to feel anything for him anymore. that way i can just let go...

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PRACTICE RUN

this coming weekend Julio will be coming up to New York. I am going to treat it like it's my last time we are ever together. what am i going to do differently this time around?

answer: try to enjoy every minute and every second that i have left. savor the last moments i have left with him... make it memorable...

SATURDAY...

he'll probably come in around 4pm. he claims he'll just sleep on the bus, and try to catch the early one, but his track record shows that he doesn't care enough to inconvenience himself by getting up earlier. The weather promises to be shitty so what can we do, where can we go to spend some time together?

i could take him to Queens. see where i grew up. walk around the neighborhood.

-take him to the thai restaurant near my house.
-go see a movie.
-filipino restaurant?
-sleep together, of course. literally and euphemistically. i need to load up. i'll
no doubt have another year long dry spell after that...
-play video games. i will probably offer to give it away to him. it'd be a good
excuse to get the Playstation 3, anyway. somehow... as if i can afford it.
-go to village underground. what are the odds of putting together a song just for him by then? not very good, but worth a try.
-hopefully nina will be home and he'll get to meet her...

...god i'm depressed.

weblog 10082007

i need to get out more, i told myself. and that ain't hit home any more than when i actually did, and was promptly reminded that there's a whole world out there that ain't on myspace.
I went out Saturday with my friend Miles, who I know from Myspace. He went with me to my friend Wade's "Welcome Back From Your 3 month Sabbatical in Australia" party. Wade was late though, and I didn't feel like being around people I didn't know, so Miles and I went drinking at the nearby lounge. Regardless it was good to be out, and I resolved to get out more, even for a little while, before I went to work at midnight. It definitely helps keep me from willing the phone to ring, or ding (in the case of a text message), waiting to hear from that special someone who ain't thinkin' about you coz they're out drinkin' they DAMN selves. *sucks teef*
Sunday I had no real plans, but after doing my mass text greeting to a bunch of people on my phone book, decided to go to old college buddy Shannon's get together at the the VIP section of Chelsea Piers' Bowling Alley.
Shannon does not have myspace. No wonder I ain't stayed in touch with him. My friend Andre who I met up with to go to Shannon's shindig also did not have myspace. *sigh* I know this because they both looked at me with such disdain when I asked them if they were on myspace. I just wanted them to see my music page, but apparently in any number of circles it ain't caught on like THAT.
This was driven home as I started getting more comfortable. The Long Island Iced Tea helped, as did my initial lucky streak bowling. I started to socialize more and ran into a few old acquaintances. They also did not have myspace. Not James, not Melvin, not Joshua, and lastly not Wayne. I felt like such a loser asking if they had an account, only to get shot down.
Finally, after a bajillion gutterballs, a random partygoer approaches me offering pointers on how to play, which I no doubt needed, but who's to say when next I'd find myself in a dark (bowling) alley? I thanked him, and he seemed to want to get better acquainted. Alas, it was time for me to leave for work, but he seemed like a decent guy that I could network/politic with, but there wasn't enough lead-up to an exchange of numbers. So again, I asked:
Are you on myspace?
NOPE!
Feeling like a tool, I humbly took down his email and phone number and gave him mine. I hope he ain't tryin' to kick it to me. Usually people stop wanting to be friends when they realize that I'm not on the market.

weblog 10072007-1

it's 6:37AM at work as I start writing this... what did i do last night? well... my day started around 4pm, i guess, when Andre texted me asking if i wanted to chill. i was still groggy, however, having slept poorly for most of the day, and deemed it too early to rise out of bed. Then Martin calls me. I know it's him because "Give It Up Turn It Loose" starts playing on my phone. I dread the phone call, feeling guilty over not making time to hang out with him, CJ, or even Blandon, arguably 3 of my closest friends, not including the rest of them whom I've been ducking. Who am i kidding, I was ducking all of them, for one reason or another, but ultimately because I didn't feel I was feeling stagnant, and halfway embarrassed for my lack of professional growth.

This time I steeled myself and picked up the phone. Naturally, my anxiety was unwarranted, and we slipped back into our usual conversation dynamic. I knew I was going to Wade's "Welcome Back" from Australia party, and so invited him to come along, since he also knew Wade, if only in passing. Originally, I had asked only Miles to accompany me, since he was a new friend and was more inclined to listen to me angst about this guy I'm in a "situation" with. I don't mean to minimalize it, but I daresay I'd be mis-speaking if I presumed to refer to Julio as my boyfriend, howevermuch I may feel for him.

In any case, I can only imagine my other friends are tired of hearing me using them as a sounding board. Mid-conversation with Martin, Miles texts me asking for the meeting time, which I answer after I get of the phone. I tell him to meet me at 7pm in Chelsea, where the get-together is. By that time it's 4:30 and still I am laying around in bed, hoping to hear from the object of my affections, but not wanting to be the bother that I was suspecting I was being.

Finally, I drag myself to the bathroom for a shower and grooming, having settled on a black v neck t-shirt and jeans. The whole time there's a disquiet in my heart, but still I fight the urge to pick up the phone, whether it's to text or call Julio.

I'm going to try something. From now on, and at least for the next week, whenever I have the urge to call him, text him, or WHAT-ever, just to spout sentimentalities, I will instead put it down in this blog, documenting and describing the very feelings that overtake me. I don't want it to be one-sided anymore. At least, I don't want him to know how I feel when I'm feeling it when I haven't gotten any indication that he loves or misses me back. I can't make myself pull back and become TRULY distant. I don't want to get in the habit of becoming disconnected, for fear that the practice of it will make it a reality. I love him. I don't want to stop loving him, even if it hurts me. Therefore I will only speak it out into the universe, via this blog. As much as I want him to know, I don't want to drive him away. At least not until and if I have decided to cut my losses.

Anyway where was I? Ah, yes. I met up with Miles at 7pm, and we went and had pizza, chillin', and killing time til 9 when Wade's shindig started. Still time was ticking away too slowly and we decided to go chill at g lounge. Despite myself we had Stoli Raspberry and Red Bulls, and I actually enjoyed my buzz, as well as my conversation with Miles.

Admittedly I couldn't stop talking about Julio, concluding that despite whatever grievances I had, I am so in love with the boy. I don't know what to do. I'm going to start occupying my time a lil bit more... just... need to keep myself from wondering if he's thinking about me. I don't want to fish for it. Everything I do for him I do because I want to; because I want to make him happy, and that makes me happy. I wish he thought of me in the same way but he seems to mistake romance for corniness. Miles joked that I should get him a "Romance for Dummies" book. I chuckled, but for some reason I couldn't get the idea out of my head. Would it work? It was so ridiculous that I thought it just might, but only if he was willing to try. Was he willing to try? I fear not, but I must try to trust him more and give him the opportunity to answer.

I left for work around 12:30AM, since Chris agreed to stay an hour later in exchange for a favor I did for him earlier in the week, and was still a little bit lightheaded from having had a total of four drinks, although I was otherwise none the worse for wear. No blackouts, no black mood. It felt validating, to say the least. Doesn't mean I'm going to drink more often, but that I should only drink when I'm in a good mood, not to drown my sorrows.

part fiction, part real.

PART ONE: Sweet Kentucky Ham

Rosemary Clooney covered a song written by David Frishberg on her album "Girl Singer" called "Sweet Kentucky Ham."

Personally, I hate ham. I can tolerate the real stuff i suppose, but just the same, gimme some roast beef. Pastrami even. Still, the first time I heard this song, it really touched me. While the message was simple enough, it was articulated so well that i could really feel her on the song: certainly i have felt that kind of longing for something, and yes, some-ONE, not in my reach.

please take a moment to download it and listen before going back to the rest of this blog...

PART TWO: Cooler Than the Other Side of the Pillow

i grew up looking up to my older sister, Dolores. she was two years older than me, and i would follow her around everywhere, even when she would try to shoo me away so she could hang out with her cool friends. even when we fought and did shady shit to each other i still thought she was the cooler than the other side of the pillow. even as we grew apart i still admired and respected her.

well, 90% of the time i did. there was one thing that i wholeheartedly disagreed with and wanted so badly to distance myself from, tho, that she did, and it pertained to her romantic life. when it came to her boyfriend/s, Dolores was a real bitch. at least, from where i was standing she was. i would hear her on the phone, not knowing the whole story maybe, but enough to know that she was chewing out the person on the other end, pointing out all the things that they were doing wrong in the relationship.

and the ghost of a memory would come back. echoes of my mom's shrill alto berating my father (who i have finally come to realize deserved it, but that's another story) for his shortcomings. so maybe it does go further back, but nothing hits home like repetition.

i dreaded ever being like that. i still do. and it was hard not to see growing up. i was the only boy in the household most of the time. i lived in a studio apartment with my mom and two sisters. there was very little privacy. sometimes not even the bathroom was private. and so i resolved at a young age never to be that way with the one i'm with. i didn't want to complain, bitch, or berate. i knew i didn't like it when other people tried to change me, so i was loathe to do it to anybody else.

so where does that leave me when I'M unhappy with the one i'm with? especially when i am still disgustingly in love with him? and yes, for all the right reasons. i even love the things that frustrate me about him.

PART THREE: Strike Three..?

sunday night, we lay in bed together, after having sex. you ain't came. again. and i felt guilty. like, maybe i wasn't doing the right things to please you, or maybe not doing it enough. i thought maybe i could get inside your head about what you think about during sex, speculating on what aspects of it came into play for you leading up to.... just before... and during... that moment when you would achieve orgasm. i wanted to know because i wanted to figure out if there was anything i could do to help facilitate it... in short: please you. still i was frontin', tryin' to play it cool and maybe a little too casually asked you what it was about sex that got you off... if it was the intimacy, the closeness, being with somebody that you have feelings for... or was it the power? the interplay and dynamic between two physical beings--

"it's just SEX!"

you cut me off...

"it ain't about power or intimacy. i ain't about no head games," you said. "I enjoy the sensation... it's JUST SEX!" you repeated emphatically, then brusquely got up to shower.

emphatically. brusquely.

the SENSATION? the FEELING of it? JUST the sex? anybody with any cognitive ability would have come to the same conclusion: if it was JUST sex, then it could have been with just ANY body. i may as well have not been in the room. i was stunned. i couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. it really hurt. but i lied about it because i didn't want confirmation. i still wanted to believe that it meant something. that it still did.

mutely i lay in the dark, staring at some fixed point just outside the window, trying to breathe quietly, calmly, doin' everything to suppress the shuddering sighs that herald tears slowly welling up, over and down... i front like i'm just droolin on the pillow, as usual. *shakes head*

i should have gone home the next morning, but Miscommunication reared her ugly head again, and just because i wanted to , i let myself become a latchkey kid for the day, so i could spend one more night with you. all the while conflicted. angsting all day monday till we met up. i was trying to distance myself. trying not to care so much. i couldn't make eye contact, coz i knew i'd give it all away. i wished i was colder. wished i didn't care. i had all this time on my hands while you were at work, still stinging from last nights dismissal coupled with all the other things you said before, but in the same vein. that it wasn't anything, but at the same time that it was. but how can it be both? how do you manage to be so affectionate and inconsiderate at the same time? how can you hold my hand in public, but callously call whatever it is that we have "a situation" should friends inquire?

i couldn't tell you if it was my heart that was hurting, because it felt lower... in my gut, but off to the side... occasionally spreading to the nerve endings in alternating waves of tingly discomfort and emptiness... i just wanted to numb it a little bit... so i swung by the liquor store on the way to meeting you... i don't remember what happened after you started watching the Heroes episodes upstairs. courtesy of my signature Blackouts. but if my state of mind up to that point was any indication, not to mention your behavior the next day, it couldn't have been any good.

it would be a conceit to say that i would do anything for you, because surely taking a bullet for you, walking through fire, working 3 jobs to get you that hypothetical-maybe-metaphorical "ring," all those things are so much easier than just BEING A BETTER PERSON.

changing my way of thinking so that maybe i stop taking the YARD after the INCH.

thinking that maybe all my stupid human tricks will charm you into becoming more for me than you are willing to be.

why can't i take you for YOU? but no, i do, i really do. it's why i'd rather beat MYSELF up. short-change myself and saying that i'm the one that's not good enough. better than thinking that YOU aren't good enough for me, because then there'd be nothing i could do about it to make it better. it would mean acknowledging that i can't control something, and leave it in your hands to fix if you want to. i dread that you don't want to.

i can't decide if i would be stronger for leaving or staying.

EPILOGUE:

Dolores is married now, with a daughter i adore, with and by the same man she bullied and badgered all those years ago. and he seems happy too.

so maybe i SHOULD be more demanding..?