in vain

wrote a new song, put it up on my myspace page:

"In Vain"

VERSE 1
I ain't tryna front like i'm so evolved and above all the petty disputes
it ain't easy for me to love freely like i got nothin' else to lose
you can't come around here as you please brotha you still gotta pay your dues
i'm not tryna jaded but i can't help havin' attitude

HOOK
they say you gotta learn to stop to start
and while i know we both played our parts
on my end it won't be in vain

i took a chance and it messed up my heart
but i'ma channel it into my art
no i won't let it all be in vain

VERSE 2
yeah i'm hurt this here's a cry for help but you can take it any way you please
i gotta get it out my system, the only thing i'm thinkin' bout is release
i'm tryin not to give in to my urges and beg baby baby please
it ain't an issue of pride but more an exercise in futility

HOOK 2X
VAMP
FADE

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i'm tempted to read his blog, check on his myspace page, facebook, anything for any kind of contact, but i'm also afraid of what i may find. i don't want to stumble across a blog where he's talking about how much better off he is, or whatever lesson he learned from that experience, or him suddenly forswearing men, or at least men with drama, or any other baggage, like that was all i was. *sigh*

2 more songs to go.

more exercises in futility

i want him back so badly. why do i keep wanting someone who doesn't want me? how can i stop it from continuing? i'm so lost without Julio. there's this part of me that just KNOWS that no one else would want me, certainly not anyone that i wanted the same way.

i feel isolated. but i have to make myself get out there. there's so many things i wanted to share with him, and now i can't do that.

low point.

so hard to keep it together...

it's a terrible horrible feeling, knowing that the other person isn't thinking about you. at most they're relieved that they never have to deal with you again. meantime, you can barely function without choking down a sob, your face (at least you think) a mask of composure for the world outside.

it's a terrible feeling, having someone else put their arms around you, or trying to kiss you, knowing in your heart that only one person ever really had the right to do those things... wanting to throw up when you realize that whoever it is holding you now can never take the place of the one that went away. becoming even more nauseous realizing that the one that went away surely has no such reservations of holding somebody else, kissing them...

everything hurts so bad.

congratulations, i hate you.

you self righteous son of a bitch. i hate you. i hope i never see you again. i ain't gon' pretend like i have any charitable thoughts, but how fucking dare you pretend like you did nothing wrong in the relationship.

and then to presume to say that we CAN be friends someday?! how fucking noble of you. come up off the soapbox asshole! you are selfish, insensitive and inconsiderate, and it was stupid of me to have tried to blame myself when i was nothing but good to you. i hope to god you get played so fucking fiercely that you learn never to fuck with anybody else's heart again. i hate you.

weblog 11092007-1

last week i tried checking out an AA meeting. some of it was like what i saw on TV. the main difference was that it was me walking in. it was good that i went, if only because it was brought to my attention that i am not an alcoholic. i am no more abusive with alcohol than with anything else that would be deemed potentially self-destructive. yes, there were many things i needed to change about myself, but AA, apparently, was not the answer... i got the impression that some of the people there kinda were rollin' their eyes at me.

i started therapy today. nothing really got done. the first time is usually a whole lotta nothing, mainly decompressing and bring the therapist up to speed on where you are, and what you hope to get out of it. i didn't know where to start.

i talked about how lost i felt. how terrible i've been feeling. how isolated. expressed concern over goin' crazy, becoming somebody's sob story. no longer being "Dominic" but dismissed as drama.

was i so bad? did i treat you poorly?

work ended on a stressful note. i was exhausted by the time i got to therapy at 9am at Callen Lord, after which i went down one flight to where joshua's office was. we chatted for a bit, and while going through my check-in sheet for therapy realized that my emergency contact was still javier. crazy. although at this point irrelevant. feeling the way i did i had to force myself to care, and had joshua change it to my mom's information.

wearily i headed back home and promptly crashed, minus the ambien. woke up around 5:30pm, only because Diana texted me to remind me about dinner. i was drained and tired still but was up for it, since i haven't seen her in a while. i didn't want to go to whatever workshop she wanted me to go to with her tho, and asked if i could just meet her later for dinner. she sounded put off by that, and just said we'd chill some other time. good job, Dominic.

i could've gone back to sleep since i was so tired, but was also afraid of lethargy taking over... it would be so easy to just let it all go, but i reminded myself i would be the only one that cared if anything bad happened, and why should i let myself down like that? yes, i feel like shit, yes i'm depressed, yes i am disgustingly still in love with Julio, but i needed to keep myself occupied.

so again i went to the gym. after i went home and made myself some dinner. tito was home so i went upstairs to have a talk with him. i decided i was too volatile to make any decision about moving to his place and subleasing, and confided all of my anxieties. feeling like a second class citizen because of my status. not feeling i had a right to complain or want anything from anybody.

i may very well be moving back home to Queens by the time Thanksgiving rolls around... i really don't want to have the dinner anymore... not without him...

what am i doing? i know he ain't thinking about me. he has basically shut me out. why am i in denial about it???

please... work it out with me...

goin outta my head

not a pretty place to be right now, so i have been trying to distract myself, and as a result have been making sure all my free time is booked up, even going so far as OVERbooking my time. i can't bear to chance it that people will flake, leaving me hanging, and quickening my anxieties.

to that effect i have actually gone to the gym more often. i'm loving the new location on 145th Street in Harlem.

by the time my overnight shift ends at 8am i've tried setting up breakfasts with various friends, acquaintances, potential rebounds...

(i don't really want to see ANYbody but Julio tho... all i ever wanted was to be able to spend time with him... i never asked for anything else...)

obsessing over my goddaughter and pouring all the love i have left into her tiny frame, and pathetically grateful for any attention she gives me.

haunting hookup sites for basically no damn reason at all... i entertain the idea of meeting new people only to flake out my damn self. despite knowing it ain't what i want i can't help but travel the same paths... feeding my own version of insanity... but i don't know that i expect a different result.

just distracting myself, as usual... there were instances during various parts of the day where no distractions would present themselves i'd start sobbing uncontrollably for all of 15 seconds before i could pull it back together...

also on the productive tip i went to open mic, in no small part thanks to the urging and encouragement of Jason. I am indeed very grateful, because even if i don't feel especially good about it, much less motivated, i am aware that i'd look back at these times and regret not having done SOME-thing...

finally i got some footage of me performing "Why Did You Call", as well as a remix of "So Unfair." also there to support and hopefully be entertained was Mal. long-time myspace friend Morgan ALMOST made it on time, but i appreciated the sentiment at least...

why did u call (live)

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so unfair remix (live)

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Jason also managed to get me to go with him to the "Pig N' Whistle" where his coworkers were engaging in drunken karaoke... i tried to be a good sport and signed up to sing, making sure to pick something easily recognizable. the first attempt, Lou Rawls' "You'll Never Find" wasn't well received, but then again the mic levels weren't that great and they could barely hear my lower register, but my second attempt i knew would get em wylin. I figured I may as well please the natives, in this case straight up WHITE FOLK in an IRISH PUB, and launched into New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle."

During the bad times i wish you were there to hold me close, or speak words of encouragement, but it's when things are going really well that i get saddest, because i want so badly to share them with you...